Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Erin Keif. Boston. Near Boston. Massachusetts. Okay, put your tassel to the left, I think.

Walking across the stage to get my favorite of the room diploma. Falls. Somersaults like Willy Wonka. Gets back up. Falls again. This time it's bad. Limps. Tries to do it with a smile.

Dog pulls down your gown.

Oh god.

John Patrick Coan.

Stands up, starts to walk to the stage, gets kicked in the stomach by that Michael Jackson dancing robot, falls to the ground, goes, ooooh! Robot falls down next to me, starts spazzing out, guy comes, looks at the two of us, looks at the two of us, looks at the two of us, grabs my foot, drags me off stage. Abdul Rifai.

Yeah, that one.

Galesburg, Illinois. Takes off robot helmet after kicking JPC. Stands up to a big thumbs up. Doesn't get diploma because I didn't graduate. Just walking. Is that what they call it? Walking? What's it up on my phone? Not getting a signal. Holding up my phone. Dean impatiently tapping his watch. Goes to shake hands. Psych. Falls down. Dog eats me.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, hosts, on graduating after 8 years of Riddle. This is the Hey Riddle Riddle 8 Year Graduation Ceremony. We began way back in July 25th of 2018.

So we're grade eights. Next year, I mean this year, right? Next episode, we're going to Riddle High School.

Oh my god.

We're going from being big fish to small minnows. Oh god. And if movies have taught me anything, we're going to get hazed. Oh yeah.

Well, yeah.

Smoked out.

I'm sure the hazing is gonna start now. We've been haze-free on this podcast for eight whole years.

We had a Hollywood handbook on.

And a single tease or prank occurred on the show. Two haze days. Can I tell you what's fucked up about it being eight years?

Yeah.

That is the length of high school and college, right?

That is a long time. For some. For some. Some people can go an extra semester if they want to.

Yeah, or less or more, whatever. But a person can change a lot between their freshman year of high school and their senior year of college. Sure. And so now I'm starting to meet listeners who are like, I was in the eighth grade when I started listening to you. And now I'm a full grown up and I live in an apartment in the city. And you're like, I don't know if I love all of that.

What's the biggest way, Erin, in the last eight years you think you have changed?

Hair color?

Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, well, yeah. I would say... If you had to take a guess, could you tell me what your hair color was in 2018?

That's hysterical. No. I think I had dark hair. I think I was going full black hair with bangs. I don't even think I was doing any dimension in it. I don't think it had even a little bit of red. I think I was full dark hair. Yeah. But it's anyone's guess. Yeah. I think it was medium length bangs. Yeah. What color were your hairs? What color are your ears?

Probably actually a lot less gray.

Yeah, I definitely have way more gray and way less hair. Something I want to talk about, speaking of big changes, you know, we graduated after eight years. Obviously, we're talking about big changes happening after high school, throughout college, etc. I have talked to our lawyer. Of course, that being… They found him! I want to say Botticus Wrench. Yes. The robot lawyer.

Botticus Wrench playing Atticus Finch. I wonder where the similarities are. Does he have kids? Does he have glasses?

Is it still scouting, Jim? We'll have to work on it. We'll have to workshop it. Casey put in something good here. Casey put in something good here! Here's what I found, and feel free to pooh-pooh this, but I have found, if we're talking about big changes, if we're talking about the show, if we're talking about what's going to happen after we graduate at eight years, because we are entering Riddle Adulthood or Riddle High as we were. The title of our show legally is Hey Riddle Riddle. That's legally our title. Our lawyer said that means legally we only have to do two riddles.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

And if you were to, I don't know, dissect the show and apply the title to it, the first third is the hey, where we just kind of chat. And then we have riddle sections.

Sometimes way more than a third. Sometimes way more. Sometimes over half.

I propose that we switch fully to the first half of the show being chatting and catching up and discussions. And the second half being riddles. Two riddles. We could solve this legally by calling it Hey Hey Riddle Riddle or just Hey Riddle, or we can keep the title as is just to save face and money.

What about Hey Hey Riddle?

I like that.

So we could do two-thirds chatting. I like that, Erin.

Or we can say Hey Riddle Riddle.

And our listeners can be like a boiling frog, where we just keep adding more heys and taking away riddles until we never have to do riddles again.

What if we change the name of the podcast to Hey Hey Hey, and then in parentheses, Not a Fat Albert Podcast? But then we are giving air to Fat Albert.

Okay, yeah.

All right, hold on. What if we elongate the hey? We add more vowels. That's what I was saying. But then we start taking one letter away from each of the spellings of riddles. And that's another way to sort of slowly make the hay longer, carve away at the riddles.

I love this. Here's the thing. It's Hey Riddle Riddle, right? That's what we've called the show. I do think that even if we keep the format the same as it has always been, If you listener, dear listener, are listening to this show and we don't do the mandated minimum two riddles on the show, you are entitled to get your money back for that episode only. Now, podcast is free.

So... Wait, what's the statute of limitations of this?

Um, it's like a really tall, like, gargoyle thing with, like, griffin arms.

Okay, but if someone is not up to date, how far past our recording date are they allowed to, like, file a claim?

Erin, would you rather be up to date or down to fuck?

I'd rather be... somewhere else.

How do you guys, in all honesty, how do we feel about the first half being a little more casual? And maybe this leads to us bringing in segments. Maybe the first half is for like, your animal parades, etc. We bring in things to talk about, we bring in other games, whatever that might be. And then the riddles, because here's the thing, much like Helium, Now, scientists have discovered we are running out of riddles. Now, obviously, Neptune, Saturn, chock-a-block with riddles, but we can't drill deep enough.

So, what do we say? Adam, let me answer that prompt with a segment. So in honor of our 8th anniversary, I reached out to our friend Arnie Parrott, who has done many songs over the years for Hey Riddle Riddle. And I said, Arnie, Hey Riddle Riddle, we want to shake stuff up. We're getting pretty long in the tooth. I want you to commission, or I want to commission you to write a brand new theme song for the next chapter of Hey Riddle Riddle, something that we can really use to shake up the show. And I know people love the theme song, so I said, Arnie, do me a favor. Give me three options so that we can have people vote on what they want the new theme song to be. And Arnie said, absolutely, I got you. And he has delivered those three options to us now. Now, here's the thing. I have not listened to them. He sent them in early this morning. I have not listened to them. I think Casey may be the only one who has listened to them. But Casey, are you prepared now for us to listen to Arnie's new theme songs so that we can vote on our favorite? And we do have a question from Erin.

Yeah, Erin Keif, New York Times. I have a quick question, and I'm saying this with all of the love in the world.

You just said Eastern Standard Time.

Oh, Eastern Standard Time.

Sorry. And failing New York Times.

The failing New York Times.

Lying.

I have a question, and I'm not trying to come down on our sweet listeners. I love our Kevins and Susies. In the past, when we have handed them democracy, they have mangled it with their hands. Over on our Patreon, they vote for review crew, and they voted for things that have made me throw up into my sink. So do we trust them with the fate of this high school version of Hey Riddle Riddle. And I'm saying, I just want to say, everyone, maybe vote responsibly.

Yeah.

That's my overall point.

Erin, was it that Hallmark Amish movie that made you do it? Yes.

Oh yeah. Uh-huh.

Not the Grapes or Orange Soda, but the Hallmark Amish movie?

Yep. Oh, so you remember.

Look, no. I mean, I don't trust them with democracy. I don't trust anybody with democracy, you know? If it were up to me, we would be living under the iron rule of a cruel god, and that god's name would be JPC. But... We do have a compact with the listeners, you know? It's like, we put out a show that they want to listen to, they should get a say in what, you know, they are listening to on a week-to-week basis. But luckily, Arnie already gave us the three options, right? And it's Arnie. So, I don't think any one of the three options is gonna be, like, bad, you know? Sure.

I'm excited to hear this.

So we'll play the three options for you guys now, and then I'll let you know at the end how people can vote on these. Casey, are you ready?

Yes, and each of these three options is preceded by a little note by Arnie, I guess like an explanation of the song or whatever. That won't be part of the theme, but just so you know, that's going to play first.

Hey, this is Arnie Parrott coming to you from the deep recesses of JPC's songwriting camp. He said he'd send me to songwriting camp and he drove me to a cave deep in Appalachia. I don't see anyone else for the camp. I think he said if I wrote a few themes, he'd come get me from camp. But I am, again, not seeing a lot of human activity in this cave system. So I'm just going to crank out a few here and we'll see if any of them work good enough to get me home.

Okay, Casey, I'm not sure what that was, but let's not do that anymore. Let's not play any more of those. Just the theme songs.

We got them. We triangulated the coordinates. We got them. We found the kids.

It looks like JPC's basement. We were right. We were right. Send the helicopter.

Do you ever feel stuck in the middle? Something familiar feeling suddenly quite different and quite strange. You're still listening to Hey Riddle Riddle. We're not afraid of simply changing something for the sake of change. Even if it's your most well-known thing.

Okay, kind of power ballad vibes on that one.

Yeah, it felt almost like a Don Johnson sitcom or something. I picture popped collars, I picture jacket sleeves pushed up, Corvettes.

What's the history of passive-aggressive songs being hits? Is that usually something that works? Sort of passive-aggressive songs?

I think the Patreon song works pretty well.

The Patreon song is that. You're So Vain, Carly Simon, right?

That might be just aggressive, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Also, I forgot to mention, this song evokes a dog with sunglasses.

Yes. It definitely evokes a dog with sunglasses. We actually just cast a dog with sunglasses into our studio. We got a big net, like one of those 1960s cartoons, and we're gonna try to get that guy.

That could be something of, I don't know how you guys feel about bringing on a new host. Maybe they, you know, maybe they earn slightly less than we do. Dog with sunglasses. I think that might be kind of fun.

Okay. Dog with sunglasses feels a little redundant for what we already have on the show, does it not?

Let's not name names. Let's keep it passive-aggressive. Okay. Wow. Okay. So that's song number one. Casey, hit us with song number two.

I made a huge mistake. It's Arnie Parrott. I made a huge mistake and I wandered deeper into the cave. I'm very lost. All I have is the laptop and the microphone JPC gave me and a bunch of synthesizers. So all I can do is make more themes, I guess. At some point, he has to come get me. I mean, he knows where I am. Okay. Oh my God, there's a body in here. Okay. Oh my God, there's a body in here.

Casey, just the themes, please.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

That's it. That's our new theme. That's the best sound I've ever heard in my ears.

That was so spooky.

If we didn't already have a Hey Riddle Riddle Halloween theme made, I feel like I already just wrote the Halloween theme for this year.

Yeah. I enjoy every second of that better than the full production of Phantom of the Opera. 100%.

Um my only issue with that is is that false advertising a little bit because how spooky are we usually? Like does that theme play and then it starts and I'm like I found popcorn in my pants and people are like what is the tone of this show?

How spooky are we usually? Erin that's a good question to ask from the ghost of a Victorian doll who's had all the blood drained out of her body and her porcelain skin.

Um, I got, I've been shot.

That's pretty spooky if you ask me.

Um, oh my god.

And Erin. My defenses are down. Isn't it scary if there's a popcorn pervert on the loose? Yeah. Tossing popcorn in people's pants, isn't that scary? That's pretty scary.

Yeah, I guess that is pretty scary from a, from two guys who are, from a couple of guys. Okay, don't worry about it.

In sort of a Midwest sensibility, isn't that kind of scary?

I didn't want to say anything, but Adal keeps flashing it in front of the screen. But what's scarier than Adal with a little band-aid on his hand? Adal, what happened? What happened? Stigmata. Stigmata. Yeah, maybe they don't fix that.

I definitely liked that one a lot.

Okay, so that's theme number two. And then Casey, when I said just play the themes, I meant whatever else Arnie has sent over, and it doesn't even matter where he is or what camp he's at, just play the themes that he is writing for us, okay?

Gotcha, gotcha. And to be fair, Arnie did not say there's a dead body.

He just said there's a body, so... And it doesn't matter because that's gonna be cut, right? Because that's not the themes.

I'm just gonna play the theme now.

Okay, thank you.

Hi, it's Arnie Parrott. I've lost complete track of time and space. I really have no concept of where I am or how long I've been here. The body was Casey Trela. He writes all the themes for Big Grande.

Yeah, okay, that's not... You don't know that.

I'm sure I'm making it out of here.

You're not a doctor, right?

I did write a third theme in the desperate hopes that it might be enough. A lot of editorializing from Arnie. Just the themes though, Casey.

Just the themes from here on out, please.

Okay, I'm getting notes of Peter Gabriel. I'm getting notes of Fruit by the Foot commercials.

I like the homage. I heard some horses named Friday in the background there too. It feels very reminiscent of the current theme.

Yeah.

I loved it.

Okay, I think I have a solution. I have two solutions. Sure. Either every episode from now on we play all four themes and that, hey, and that helps us solve the, you know, running out of riddles because it eats up a little bit of time. Or it's sort of a grab bag. We roll a die, a four-sided die, if those exist, and every time we roll it, whatever number pops up that correlates to a theme, we put that in front of the episode. So every time it's going to be a fun little surprise.

You don't know what you're going to get. You're going to get a new theme every time. I love that.

Adal, this is why you're our leader. It's because you have all the best ideas. You bring everyone's ideas together.

I still think that people should be able to vote for these, so I'm not going to leave this open forever, but for our anniversary month, for the month of August, I'll have this poll up. You can go on and vote now. HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash theme song and vote for which one is your favorite of the theme songs.

There's no write-in voting, right?

There's no write-in voting.

I think there should.

Yeah, maybe we have write-in voting as well.

I mean, how fun would that be to read?

I'm And what are they writing in? I think 99 Red Balloons by Goldfinger should be the theme song.

I think Salisbury Hill by Peter Gabriel would be a better choice.

Then we have to go clear the rights.

If enough people write in the same thing, we will look into it.

And if it's a tie, we play all four themes at the same time. Layered on top of each other. Yeah, exactly. We just have to sit with that. Also, Arnie, phenomenal job. I'd be remiss to say, if you or anyone you know has any information about Arnie Parrott, he has been missing for a few weeks. He was last seen in Asheville, North Carolina. Please let us know. Email us at hrrpodcasts at gmail.

But no rush.

And Arnie, Casey, Arnie's fine, right? Were there any more messages from Arnie?

Yeah, he sent in a fourth one. I haven't listened to this one yet.

Okay, let's play it. Hey everybody, it's me, Arnie Parrott, the guy who writes the theme song for Hey Riddle Riddle and a bunch of other shows. Just wanted to kind of check in and say everything's good. I'm fine. JPC's a cool guy. Really, really nice man. That's nice. Anyway, I am kind of thinking of a different direction for my life. I'm thinking about running away and becoming a pirate. And not like a Swords and Swashbucklers kind of pirate, more like one of the new, you know, Captain Phillips style kinds of pirates. So anyway, if you don't hear from me for a while or ever again, that's probably where I am and it's dangerous. So, you know, draw your own conclusions. But I'm fine. I'm all good. JPC's good. And see you later.

I never noticed how much the cadence and timbre of Arnie's voice sounds like TPC.

Okay, well he's fine. Great, I don't have to think about it anymore.

That is to bed. You can cancel all those emails about seeing him or whatever you were gonna do or whatever.

Phew! Well, I feel better. Oof, that would have been scary.

That would have been rough.

So don't forget to vote HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash theme song this month.

I have a fourth theme here. Oh, okay, please.

Help. Help. Help. Help. My name is Ernie, and I'm writing the theme. And I'm not gonna be mean. I'm gonna talk about riddles and stuff. What roundeless stuff.

Gruff.

That's our new theme.

Oh, that's our new theme. Erin, what you just rapped is our new theme. That's a really good one, Erin. I like how it really shows—honestly, more than any of the other themes, it tells people what the show is going to be about. Laminate it, slap it up top. A primer on what exactly is going to be coming next.

To answer your question from before, I haven't changed at all in eight years. I'm exactly the same, but I'm frozen in amber.

Oh my god. That's so fun. When Casey said he had a fourth theme to play, I was like, oh, Ernie did a fourth one? Okay, what is this? We hadn't talked about this as a bit, but I'm so happy, so happy that Casey took some great initiative.

In all honesty, in all sincerity, how do we feel legit about the first half, big, A little more casual, the riddles, just again, to save riddles, to make riddles something a little more special. If you eat a 10 course dinner and it's all key lime pie, you start to hate pie.

I completely agree. And I think what the issue we've been running into is the false promise of riddles earlier. So if we're just more honest with people and we go, hey, We're running out of Riddle Riddles.

Yes.

So maybe we just take it easy on this whole thing.

Don't you guys have like six years of unopened emails with riddles?

Shut up, Casey! Sorry. Oh my god, Casey!

Casey, take that out.

Oh my god, he's still talking.

We need this show to go on 60 more years. So we can't burn all of those. We gotta slow it down. Here's the thing. I'll do whatever makes you hogs happy. You listeners out there, whatever you want. You want me to eat a spicy chip on the show? I'll eat a fucking spicy chip. You want me to review sneakers? I'll review goddamn sneakers. I don't care what we do. If you want more riddles, we'll do more riddles. I'll do riddles till my fucking ears bleed. I don't give a shit what we do.

That's the spirit. Maybe write in what you want JPC to do in that vote place.

Yeah, but it has to be a song. It also has to be a song title. Kill Yourself by Macklemore or whatever. Whatever you're going to do. Macklemore songs? Yeah, you're right. It sounds more like a Ryan Lewis joint.

He's the problem in that duo. And maybe it's something we test out and see what happens. Yeah, we see it. You know, just go from there. I just think there is sometimes a panic to start riddles as soon as possible because we haven't gotten to a riddle. You're dragging your feet even now in real time. Sometimes that's when we have a guess that we haven't really gotten to have as much sort of How dare you? Can I just stop and say, how dare you? Did you know that eight years ago, the Tom Loyne cave rescue happened?

Wait, which one was that? Was that the one where Elon Musk called everybody that guy a pedophile? Yes. God, what a time. What a simpler time.

Also, LeBron James joined the Lakers. What else? What else? What else?

Can you believe that guy's still playing basketball?

He's still playing basketball. Is he 44?

Is he 44? I think he's 43.

43?

Wow. 42 or 43.

Still playing basketball. Did you know eight years ago, July 16th, 12 new moons were discovered orbiting Jupiter? Maybe that's what inspired Aaron's Jupiter.

Could be.

Could be. Did you guys want to guess what song was number one when we premiered?

Hey There Delilah? Number one, 2018. 2018, Hey There Delilah? It had a comeback. It had a resurgence. Was it Dua Lipa, Aaron?

No.

Then I don't know!

It was Drake in My Feelings. Now let's look up the number one movie.

Oh, Drake's in My Feelings. Yes, yes, of course.

Eight years ago, Succession started. You want to feel old? Avengers Infinity War came out.

That was probably the number one movie.

Oh, Deadpool 2! Deadpool 2! Crazy Rich Asians! What else, what else, what else?

Wow, can you believe that Avengers Infinity War, that was the last Marvel movie they ever made? I can't believe it. Can you believe that? And here we are eight years later, and sometime this year, next year, there's gonna be Avengers Who Gives a Shit? Like, we're really running out culture, aren't we? We're just grinding it down to dust.

That would get me back into the theater, is Avengers who gives a shit. I would have my butt in that seat so fast.

If actors keep retiring and then they come back as massive villains, like if Tom Holland goes until let's say 55 as Spider-Man, then comes back as Magneto, I'll keep watching just to be like, what's this now?

I would see Avengers Who Gives a Shit if it's full production, $300 million budget, they got Chris Hemsworth fully dressed as Thor, and he's just kind of wandering around being like, does anybody care what Thor's doing now?

A soundstage that has no CGI.

No CGI. And he has sort of a Ray Park dual Mjolnir. What was Ray Park's character in Star Wars? Darth Maul. Darth Maul. Sort of a Darth Maul duel, Mjolnir kind of thing. Just because it's all Mjolnirs.

You got Chris Evans, he's Captain America, he's sitting in his car trying to get into the Paramount lot or whatever. He's like behind a long list of people. Yeah, I gotta film.

So funny.

I gotta film Avengers, who gives a shit? Like, yeah, you gotta wait, because there's like, yeah, I don't know. Some production's got a whole bunch of peacocks in there.

And he goes, do you want an autograph? And the guy's like, no.

The guy does the thing where he looks in the backseat, like, looks at who's in the rest of the car, and he's like, uh, I'm good, man.

Don Cheadle's on set, but he just came from Ocean's 36 and is donning a British accent. Pun intended on the dining, huh?

Oh yeah.

$25 ticket. Let's go, everybody.

$25 for regular? You want to see this shit in 3D, 4DX, IMAX?

I want to see this in 3D. I don't need this to be crisp.

You don't need it? You need it. You trust me, you need it. Trust me, you need it.

I don't know, man.

Have a good one. You're going to see every pore on Sebastian Stan's ass.

Okay, have a good one.

Yeah, Sebastian Stan, full nude sex scene. Six minutes, uncut, and I'm not talking about the scene.

We're playing right into Adal's hand. Adal, a riddle, please.

I'm talking about Sebastian Stan's dick. Oh, shoot. You know what? It's time for a break.

Oh my God, he did it.

Okay.

Hey Riddle Riddle, we'll be back in Avengers. Who gives a shit?

Hey everybody, Adal here. Don't panic, I'm trying not to. The three of us were at the Cook County Pie Factory, I'm still here, on a self-guided tour of course, and JPC and Erin leaned over a bit too far and fell into the pie vat, so they've been baked into pies. I'm trying to run around eating through the pies to find them. No such luck so far, but I do want to let you know, this is stressful of course, but one of the most stressful things we have to deal with after a busy day of recording Riddles is what are we going to have for dinner? JPC of course always suggests, I've got a bone to pick with you, and Erin's all, why don't you have a bowl of clam chowder? Forty-five minutes later, two-thirds of us are baked into pies. This all could have been avoided with Tempo. The meals are already prepared, ready in two minutes, and make it a whole lot easier to eat fresh, balanced meals during the week. With over 20 recipes every week made from nutrient-rich ingredients, Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits. And no matter your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with over 30 grams of protein, fiber rich, calorie conscious, gut support, and even GLP-1 smart meals. Glp-1, I guess is maybe how you pronounce it. Personally, I've recently had some favorites from Tempo, including the BBQ Pulled Pork Sweet Potato Skillet, the Fiesta Grilled Chicken and Rice, and The most fun to say, the lean and clean rotini bolognese with garlicky broccoli. Yum, yum, yum. For a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com slash riddle. That's tempomeals.com slash riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com slash riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply. Oh, oh, I bit into a pie. It's Erin. Oh, no, that's a blackbird. Hey everybody, JPC here.

You know one thing I love about summer?

is I absolutely love their linen shirts. I wear my Quince linen shirts all summer long. They're light. They're breezy. It's the best feeling in the summertime. Plus, their tees are soft enough to live in all day, and the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when the summer nights cool down. Everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for exceptional quality Hey Riddle Riddle. So make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle for free shipping and 365-day returns quince.com slash riddle. Actually, you guys, I've said quince so much, I'm now remembering I played Bottom the Weaver. I did not play Peter Quince in Midsummer Night's Dream in high school and one other time after that. Played Bottom the Weaver twice.

Hey everybody, it's Erin. Sometimes the universe is a very funny thing. Right before I started recording this, I got an email notification from Rocket Money, an app I've been using for so long, way before they became a sponsor of Hey Riddle Riddle. I got an email from them saying that they had successfully canceled a subscription for me, that I had asked them to cancel for me because I had forgotten about it. And it's just the best feeling to know that someone is looking out for you. when all these other companies are trying to be predatory and take your money right under your nose. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money is a really helpful tool for my brain because it's color-coded, you can set budgets for yourself, and there's categories. Everything is really intuitive and easy. You can see where your money is going, and you can see it's going to things that you've completely forgotten about. They can help you save so much money every year just by keeping you on top of your finances. Also, I've been using the automated savings tool that they have to grow towards my goals. You can set the adjustable amounts and the frequencies and it's a set it and forget it approach and then you go, oh my gosh, I've saved up for that thing that I wanted or that bill I wanted to pay off. It is so intuitive and I think you should give it a shot. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. Thank you, Rocket Money! I appreciate it!

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Yes, exactly. No, all good, all good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's Our Podcast? here on HeadGum.

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I like that it's all in one place. I know. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, to like different stores or something. It's just all on my website.

Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a- do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload the- Yeah, no, it's all in one place. The video, or the audio, or like- No, it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

Yeah, so you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts. I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and there are custom domains.

Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see. I wonder if it exists.

www.friendsmeetingfriends.com That's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

Hey Riddle Riddle And we are back. And wouldn't you know it, it's time to do riddles. And don't we feel a little more enthused about it?

Welcome back to Early mid-30s.

Okay.

Can you imagine how tired you feel now knowing that it only gets worse?

It doesn't only get worse.

This is the most awake and alert you'll ever feel. It doesn't get better.

That's not sustainable. Welcome back to

Hey Riddle Riddle.

There's a reason why, if one older person passes away, their spouse usually passes away right after, because it's like, oh thank god, I was hanging on for them.

Sweet release. That'll do it then. Woo woo woo. Thank god. Yikes. Alright.

Exit stage left.

Alright.

Phew.

I had a great... Today we're They were like, you know, the Christians that go to Israel, like those fun people. But they were on vacation and one of them died. And like in their hotel room. And then the other one, they were like, the family for a while was like, oh, fuck, we have to like figure out how to get a body like back overseas with this person who's out there. So they're like, OK, well, we're going to fly out there. Someone else is going to fly out there like two days. And then two days later, the other one just died. Perfect.

Perfect. Perfect! To try to get out of, like, a kind of logistically nightmare chore just to die? Hell yeah!

Yeah! And then no one had to deal with it. Because then everyone else was like, yeah, we have great parents here, we can marry them here, whatever. That's totally fine.

That's so funny.

And they wanted to be buried here anyway, because let's be honest, right?

So it was like, perfect! Oh my god. Brushing the hands, everybody's happy! I would actually like to see a scene.

So they're buried in Israel?

Adam will have you be a flight attendant and JPC you are trying to inconspicuously fly back home with your spouse's body so you don't have to pay any extra or special fees for it.

Excuse me, sir. Yeah, I noticed that your spouse, my wife, my wife. Yeah, I know. She's so sleepy. I know she keeps kind of falling asleep and dropping into the aisle. If she could just if there's a way to just kind of stay put. We can't have anybody walking around.

got it yeah no she'll she'll try to stop doing that um but she was just too uh much to put into a middle seat i mean she likes the aisle seat so that's why she's in the aisle seat it wasn't it wasn't a strength issue on my part or anything like that but yeah we'll we'll and just just so you know and i don't know if i report this to you or if i don't need to report it to me the kid sitting behind me Thank you for joining us.

Can I tell you something? I'm not supposed to say anything, but half of the people on this flight are undercover flight attendants. And what we do is if there's something like this, one of them will start kicking the back of his seat or something like that.

Got it.

Yeah. All flights are half full of actual paying customers and the rest are undercover agents.

Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer this. Maybe if it's just a look. The guy sitting next to me on my left, that's a flight attendant, right?

Mm hmm. Huh, your wife hasn't touched her stroopwafel. That's never happened before.

Oh, yeah, these are disgusting. These are disgusting and nobody, nobody wants this.

Something's wrong.

Excuse me, this woman behind me. Thank you. I'm glad that you're over here. And I'm just overhearing what you're talking about. She's kicking my chair so much. Oh, can you get your wife to stop kicking my chair, sir? Please? Can you wake her up and ask her to stop kicking my chair?

You know what? You never wake a sleeping woman to tell her to stop kicking. I do all the time. I'm sorry?

I do all the time.

Who? Who do you wake up?

My wife.

Well, I feel sorry for your wife.

She has to sleep. You feel sorry for my wife?

I do feel sorry for your wife.

She's a beautiful woman. She's a very good woman.

She's probably a fucking flight attendant! She's probably not even your wife!

Honey, is that true?

Ask her! Wake her up!

Honey, wake up. Are you fit? No. You're not a flight attendant, right? Oh my god.

Oh my god. Can I tell you something? I'm also a flight attendant. And so is my dead wife.

Bada bada!

Code orange, code orange.

When a plane is all flight attendants. Me do beedee. Who serves who? Do do do.

Let's do a riddle. Yeah, please. Okay. What is faster than a second? Minute.

I'd like to see a scene. We are going to be Olympians who are on the podium.

at the Olympics. JPC will have you be the first place winner, Adal will have you be second, and I'll be bronze. And JPC, you're kind of being a sore winner. You're kind of gloating that you are much faster than us.

Aha! You did it! You gave it a good effort, I would have to say. May I shake your hand, silver? May I shake your hand, bronze?

That's not his real voice, right? He's putting on some sort of affectation?

Oh, he just did the too slow handshake to me.

Oh, a little too slow. Much like what you did on the track. Hey, and I want to apologize for turning around and running backwards for a little while. I just wanted to get a look at the competition.

This motherfucker's built like Gaston. Yeah. Kinda sounds like him too.

Hey man, that wasn't poor taste, and so is this. We're just supposed to be quiet, put your hand on your heart.

Poor taste? What are you talking about? All of my dust that you are eating? Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, come on. It was a rubber track.

Yes, it was a rubber track, and maybe your father should have worn a rubber so he didn't have to deal with such a slow sun.

That was actually artificial insemination, so... Yes!

And you would know that if you hung out with us at all.

At the Olympic Village, you seemingly sequestered yourself in your room.

You took all the condoms. You brought them all to your room with no one else.

Well, if you know how to do it right, you only need one person.

I had to raw dog a gymnast.

Was it awesome?

It was awesome. It was incredible. I mean, we have to get married now because she's pregnant.

Whoa, after one, this guy gets it.

His feet might be slow, but his sperm... You know, man, our whole lives are very full. That's probably why we didn't get first. Like, I have a wife. I have a family. I have a career that I love.

Hold on, hold on. It's my Ferrari guy. Go for Zeus's, uh, James. Wait a minute. What'd you say?

Wait a minute. God damn it, James. Swan head, Gaston body.

Lightning that you throw at us during the race.

Toga. You caught me. You caught me, okay?

Crown made of golden leaves. Okay, we're not still going.

Keep your voices down. Keep your voices down, okay? Look, I just wanted... They call it the Olympics. I just wanted to feel what it would be like to compete.

You're a god. What are you talking about? This is kind of pathetic, man. The saddest shit I've ever heard.

You didn't get- You're not getting no validation.

It's not the saddest thing you've ever heard. Sadder than a god hanging out in the Olympic Village and just masturbating a bunch in his room. Wait, what are you doing, James? Woah, what? That mean Zeus?

Zeus? Where have you been?

Where have I been? Uh... Not fucking around. You told me not to fuck around, so I stopped doing that.

Where were you? What is that around your neck?

Oh, this? They give these to you for donating blood. Don't have blood, I'm a god. Oh boy.

You missed Dionysus' game. He was waiting for you.

Dionysus can't even stand up straight. It's really hard to convince people that Hercules isn't your favorite just because he's a great athlete and you wanted to be a great athlete but instead you're just a god and a dad so why don't you just go up and apologize to your sons whose names I don't even know if you remember I remember some of my brothers. That's pretty good. I'll tell you what it's not, it's not Athena.

That's my daughter.

I think it's my daughter.

Or is it?

Or cousin? You are 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Hera. Okay. You know what I did? What? I looked at you and I was like, she's got hair. Hair, uh, that's how I remember.

Pack a bag, please.

Okay, opens bag, dumps a bunch of condoms in, I'll be at the Olympic Village.

And why did you run for Canada?

See?

See?

We don't know where Mount Olympus is, you know? It could be in Canada. They got a lot of mountains there.

Isn't it in Greece? Greece?

Did you say Greece? It's not necessarily definitely from Greece, right?

Yeah, I guess we could quibble about.

The new me is not going to die on any hills anymore.

Dianne needs to start on any hills. Did the ancient Greeks, when they were like, the gods are from Mount Olympus, did they like point to a mountain and be like, that's Mount Olympus? Or was like Mount Olympus, like some distant mountain, you know what I'm saying?

So you think that they were talking about Mount Olympus like a girlfriend seg, like, you know, it's like... By Mount Olympus who lives in Canada. Yeah. You'll never see it. You can't climb it. But then, well, to be fair, Prometheus stole fire from the gods. Yes. Presumably from Mount Olympus. He knew how to get there. He knew how to get there.

And do you think any of this is true? Do you think that these gods really existed?

Greek, no. Roman, yes.

Yeah, unfortunately. The one that was a copy? That existed. Let's do it. Let's do it on the show. Finally, let's talk about it. What gods exist, what don't. Ala, sorry guys, that's a bust. Jesus Christ, nope, didn't happen. It's the unsolved mysteries thing where the guy's like, that one was totally fake. Your God's not real.

Real.

I just know that there's a couple somewhere and one of the sides of the couple is like, you're still listening to Hey Riddle Riddle, huh? And they're going to say, yeah, it's the 8th year anniversary today. And they're like, well, what were they talking about?

Yahweh? No way. Didn't exist.

They're going through the gods and which ones are real and not real.

We are the most qualified. Adal, hit us with that next god that's not real.

Whoever, whoever the, whoever Peru. What's a Peru warship?

Odin? Oh, done. That's not a real god. Next! Ra? More like nah.

Quetzalcoatl? What's a, what's a god, what's a goddle? Nope. Oh boy.

And Casey, feel free to jump in at any point. I feel like there's just an absolute infinite amount of these.

More like Vishno. Poseidon, real. Real, that guy's real. Don't fuck with him, he's real. Got a big spear or whatever. Oh my God. Can we do another riddle, Adal?

Yes, and this is one of my favorites I've ever read. If you remove the B, I'm cold air. Without the C, I'm muscle. Take away my first part, and I'm ancient. I can be red, but I'm usually sung. What am I? Remove the B, I'm cold air. If you remove the B, I'm cold air. Without the C, I'm muscle. Take away my first part, and I'm ancient. I can be red, but I'm usually sung.

I can be red, but I'm usually sung.

I'm so sorry, can you walk me through it again? Yes, if you remove the B, I'm cold air. Let's pause there.

Yeah, yeah. So remove the B, I'm cold air. So I was thinking like AC, but then it's like back, BAC, no. GBC, you are hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

With back? With the first thing you said. With AC. Yeah. Air conditioning. You have that right. Interesting.

Okay, so keep going.

Without the C, I'm muscle.

Ab.

Take away my first part, and I'm ancient. And you have it already. With what you've discovered.

ABCs.

It's the ABCs. The ABCs. I do want to see a scene. Gosh, okay, I get that. Erin, you are like a preschool teacher. You're gearing up for nap time for JBC and I. You are singing the ABCs, but you had a rough night out on the town last night, and so this is sort of a newer version because you can't quite remember how it goes.

Alright everybody, close your eyes. Rose up into my water bottle.

Should we take the barf out of the classroom?

Keep your eyes closed.

Ms. Tanoochi, should we take the barf out of the classroom?

No, what barf? Huh?

Ms. Tanoochi, should we put the saw dust on it like Janitor Jim does?

No, we're not going to let Janitor Jim know about this. Because Janitor Jim broke up with me. We were on the dance floor last night and he decided to call it quits while we were dancing to Kesha, of all things, if you can believe it.

Whoa, Ms. Tannucci, does janitor Jim wear his coveralls out? Yes.

Yes, he does. Now, if everyone can just close your eyes and we're going to work on that song we've been working on all week. If you're ready for it.

Ooh, Ms. Tinucci, I heard a loud thunk. Did you close your eyes and walk into the chalkboard?

I did.

Thank you for your honesty. I did, Declan.

I did. It hurt so bad. And I'm even more disoriented than I was before.

Why did you close your eyes, Ms. Tinucci? Aren't you supposed to be watching us?

Yeah, I guess. I guess. But I have the spins.

Remember when you closed your eyes for five minutes and Jeff disappeared?

Yeah, but they've got their best guys on it. They're looking for him.

I guess.

There's a weird smell in the air duct.

Well, sometimes you come home and you realize that you forgot to feed your cat, and you're not sure what to do with the body, and so you're trying to get in touch with the vet, and you bring the cat to school, and you put it in the air duct, and then you forget about it for six weeks, and then a child smells it and reminds you. You guys are gonna learn so much about the world. Let's work on our ABCs, okay?

Oh, you were gonna sing us the ABCs, Mr. T?

Sing us the ABCs. Mm-hmm. Ahem. ABC if I can leave, texting a sub to see if she can be in my classroom as fast as she can. If I can't get her, I'll ask a man. M-N-C-B What letters did I miss? S-T-Y We got her, we got her.

Rips off mask. I'm Tiny Murphy with ABC News. Tiny Reporter, Big Reporting.

Oh yeah right Tiny Murphy, like you're gonna catch me.

Beep beep. Hey. Hey. I'm not covering as much ground as I had hoped.

Tiny Murphy, get out of my office.

Give me a second.

Yeah, I figured as much.

You're out of breath.

Tiny Murphy, slam can on desk. Small mysteries. You can't handle the big stuff, Tiny.

Please, please, please, Chief. Put me on a big case. You know, a missing politician. I don't know. A space launch.

So this is the sand depot. The sand comes in, and then the construction orders come in for the sand, and the sand goes out. So anyway, this is what we're missing. It's one solitary grade of sand.

God damn it.

We don't know where it went.

We don't really have a lot of suspects, but uh... I want, did you know I want a tiny Pulitzer?

Sir, there's been a murder in the sand. Oh sorry, I didn't realize you were giving a tour.

A murder in the sand? Oh no! We hardly have anyone around who can do something about a murder in the sand. Tug's on your shirt!

Down here!

I'm Tiny Murphy! Tiny Murphy from the news? From ABC News. Tiny Murphy, call ABC News and see if they can send someone over. Thanks a lot, Tiny Murphy. It was good of you to call. It's me.

This guy's even smaller. This guy's way, way smaller than Tiny Murphy.

Itty Bitty Andy, and I'm here to report on the murder. God, they gave the case to Itty Bitty Andy? And I closed it fast. It was another serial killer.

Itty bitty Andy and tiny Murphy solving mysteries all over town. Itty bitty Andy and tiny Murphy. Turn that frown upside down. Solving mysteries down the block.

Tiny gun, tiny badge on my desk. Scene. Scene. We get guns and badges?

Okay, well can I do that as a Patreon episode or will you guys be mad?

We liked what we heard, Erin. Adal, I know we've already done more than our two riddles, correct?

Uh, I think so. Maybe just two? Maybe just two.

Can I hit you guys with some late-breaking news that just came across my desk? Now, by the time this comes out, unfortunately, this event will already be over. But, for us here in the present, it is big news. Olive Garden has announced that they are bringing back the never-ending pasta pass.

Did someone text this to you?

Oh, a couple people. For $100— She has Olive Garden alerts. For $100, you get 13 weeks of unlimited pasta at the Olive Garden. Now, they only sell—it looks like the last time they sold this was in 2019, and they only sold 24,000 pasta passes. The last time they did this sale, the passes went within minutes. That's too much pasta. Do you think it's my year? Shut up. Hold on. Hold on. Before you answer my question, shut up. That's too much pasta. Shut up. As your doctor, I can't.

You're fired.

You're fired. Okay. I excommunicate you, doctor. You're supposed to give me two weeks, but that's fine.

If you're already getting texts about it, it's too late.

What do you mean?

It's too late. You haven't tried.

The pasta passes have not gone on sale yet.

Oh, okay. When do they go on sale?

Well, it'll already be over by the time this episode comes out, but it is for us, and it'll be on Thursday, the pasta passes go on sale. They sell out within minutes, but it's like those people that wait in line for the iPhone, right? Like, I could be one of the lucky ones. $100 for 13 weeks of unlimited pasta, Erin?

And you can take the pasta to go, or do you have to order other stuff? Is it like with purchase of other things?

I guarantee that you cannot take the pasta to go. I bet you have to sit in the restaurant. I bet you have to talk to the waiter. I bet you have to tip America.

You're going to go to Olive Garden enough in a month to get your $100 worth. You're going to go and sit for a full meal at Olive Garden. I don't know.

Let's get a crew together. The pasta boys. The pasta boys. Make a meal out of it. And I do want to say I have some late breaking news. We're It has more sauce.

It has Wi-Fi. The camera's amazing.

Guys, I can't believe that we can do this, but Casey said this is possible. We take you now to the Olive Garden Conference, where the CEO of Olive Garden, Linda Rigatoni, is delivering the keynote speech right now. Now, we're in the middle of it, so we're breaking you halfway into Linda Rigatoni's speech.

It's-a me, Linda Rigatoni. And the future is upon us. We are gonna make a pasta. A thinner, a faster, a better. Peter Penne from the Failing New York Times. Linda Rigatoni, didn't you just recently win the gold at the Olympics for Italy? Hmm. Yeah. How dare you? I am not anyone besides Linda Rigatoni. It is not a fake name.

Oh, okay.

My name is not... Peter Primavera, Pasta Times. Linda Rigatoni, how do you react to the news that you are in fact Hera, dressed up like Linda Rigatoni to get back at your husband Zeus?

Oh, a Hera. I never heard of that name.

Ryan Isis, sorry, Ryan Isis from Greek times?

Did you say your name is Ryan Isis?

You're supposed to be at home doing your homework.

Bob, I'm here to support you.

Oh my God.

I'm here to support you.

I get a home. Wait, what is Harrah's thing?

This guy said his name's Ryan Isis.

What is Harrah's thing? Can we do one more riddle for the road?

Yeah, sure.

I think Harrah's thing is like, isn't it like fertility or being a wife or something? I'll look it up.

Yeah, her thing is getting, her thing's getting cheated on.

That's like her palette. Marriage, women, family.

I'm

Marriage, women, family.

Are those bullet points or? Uh, yeah. Bullet points.

I can bring my gun to the ceremony. Shoot three bullets in the air. Show her how excited I am.

Goes into the upstairs, best man. Let's do as Erin requested. Please. And of course, on anniversaries, Erin gets whatever she wants. Now, Erin. Yes. I could read A Riddle for the Road as you asked, or If my queen permits, you could do a rap.

Wait, you can't, oh, is this part of the $100 deal? You can't take any of the riddles on the road? You have to sit down to do your riddles?

Yeah. That sucks. Finish your riddle, no boxes.

Okay, I'll do one more rap, but just because it's your 8 year anniversary, and just because I don't know how to rhyme, but you guys have to pick what I rap about, and no one is, no one's allowed to show your face on screen while I rap, and no one's allowed to laugh.

Pasta! Erin, it's gotta be about pasta.

Oh no, nothing, no, nothing rhymes with any pastas! Nothing rhymes with any pastas!

That's not true!

Um, hold on. Yeah, I got it. Penne. Puccini. A little bit of a bucatini. Put it down on my plate. In a couple minutes, I'm gonna get to say that I ate all the pasta. Penne. Lasagna.

And a little bit of linguine! Gonna order with a martini. It's gonna be cold with olives at the garden. Say when.

Say when. Say when. Say when.

And all the girls in the crowd say, say when. Say when.

Say when.

Say when. And then the fellas say it. Say when. I'm not done.

Say when.

Say when.

The fellas did the same thing the lady said.

I'mma get it in the spaghetti and I'mma eat it in one sitting.

Don't stop it! Keep it going, keep it rolling.

Roll it back, Casey, roll it back. I want a clip of Erin saying, I'mma get it in the spaghetti and eat it in one sitting.

Ziti, Bucatini, and a little... I don't wanna be meanie.

I can't do this.

Erin, I didn't stop it. You naturally reached the end. That was your first full-length rap.

Whoa!

Erin, you did it! Cavatappi. Tap in. Take a nappy after eating cavatappi. I should have said, I'm gonna take a nappy after eating cavatappi.

Go back in time and put in the lyric, I'm gonna take a nappy after eating cavatappi. Casey, please! Casey, go back in time, please! I'ma getty the spaghetti and I'ma eat it in one sitting.

I'ma take a nappy after eating cavatappi. I'ma take a nappy after eating cavatappi.

I'ma take a nappy after eating cavatappi.

New York City, you listen to me. If you're near a convenience store right now, any type of 24-hour store, go into the store right now and put your hand in the cash register for no reason. Their money is your money, as of right now!

Now Erin, you've had a time turner this whole time.

Rigatoni Casey Toney!

It's been a bit of a plot hole.

Rigatoni Casey Toney! Hot dogs!

That's not Italian.

Oh my gosh. Very fun. I would say one of your better raps, Erin. Yeah, Erin. Erin, that was very fun.

That was very fun. Not good.

Hey there, Bradleys and Whitfords. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We take you to the Preston Shire Country Club with our special guest Damon Royster. You can listen to that and our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.

What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck Bennett. And man, ooh, we got something to tell you. Yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum.

That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcast?

Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about.

Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about, and then we try it.

Yep. Guests like Mark Maron, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Caper Lan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter, and Tim Balls.

Landon Axler, Corey McReese, and Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday.

So subscribe to What's Our Podcast on YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms.

Yeah.

I'm going to go do it right now.