Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. That's like the best warmup in improv.

That's the best warmup in improv.

Yeah, let's do it. But instead of doing numbers, let's just do random words association based on what the person right before you said and see if we could come up and make a theme.

OK, so Adal, you're still counting us in with numbers. OK. But then as soon as you're done counting us in, it's all words. OK. OK.

6, 7, 8, 1.

Thanks for everything.

2-1-foo.

2-1-4.

3 for everything.

That went great.

Oh well, I feel pretty adequately warmed up. Should we use that as the cold open for the episode?

God no. Guys, I have a sneeze stuck in my face. It's so stuck. Now that I said it, now maybe it's gone. Do you have pliers? Do I have pliers? Yeah, let me grab some pliers and a vacuum and I'll be back in 40 minutes.

Just start tinkering.

Aaron, oh, and welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, the podcast. I'm JPC.

I'm Erin. That's Janet, our fourth host, and that's Adal, our first host. Hi. Waving.

Not saying anything, but waving.

I think we've got to cut the numbering thing out of it completely. That's Janet, a host. That's Adal, a host.

Well, I feel more comfortable. Did you guys ever watch Dance Moms? Heard of, never watched.

Is that where Honey Boo Boo is from?

No, but Adal, your associations are right on the money. She's from Toddlers and Tiaras. It's basically the same thing.

Is there a rapper from Dance Moms?

Is there a rapper? No. Oh, JoJo Siwa is from Dance Moms. I feel like I'm talking to, like, my parents. You guys just have some associations from this world.

Now, Erin, I will say, I have no context for who JoJo Siwa is, but anytime a video of her dancing in front of paparazzi comes up in my feed, I will make time to watch it.

Yeah, of course.

Because it is unbelievable.

Anytime that crosses your desk, you're like, well, this is about to be insane. Welcome to the show. Welcome back. Um, solo dance, group dance, duo dances. Sometimes the girls won't get a solo because the dance teacher's mad at their mom. So they'll cut the solo because the mom got mouthy.

But is it all self-contained? Like, are they competing outside with the real world?

They're competing outside with the real world. And they have to use songs that the show can afford. And they're doing way more competitions than they ordinarily would, so these girls are getting like six hours to learn these dances, being thrown in the most offensive costumes you've ever seen, doing these dance competitions.

These are like pageants, right?

They're skill-based, though. These little girls are incredible dancers, and I think some of them are still professional dancers. Like, they are very, very talented. Oh, the girl from the Sia music videos, do you remember? Chandelier? She's one of the moms from... or she's one of the moms. She's one of the girls from Dance Moms. She's not one of the moms.

You just gave that mom the wish of her dreams.

Did I see a video, Adal, to blow your mind? 40 years ago. So she's a grandma now.

So a big part of the show Dance Moms that I think stayed in the zeitgeist is they would do a pyramid every week where Abby Lee Miller would rank how she felt about the girls. It's Chloe. Chloe, your mom was acting like a real bitch this week. And you slipped during your cartwheel. I know you can do better, and that's why you're at the bottom. Next up, Nia. Nia, you got cut from the group dance, and so all these, like, these seven-year-old girls have to metabolize being ranked with cameras in front of their moms. And obviously, they can't regulate their emotions in this, and it's a fucking nightmare mess.

Do the moms ever fire back of, like,

Thanks for watching.

It's like in The Knick?

Yes. And then she's like, you can't talk to Paige like that! You can't talk to my daughter like that! Well, we'll leave! And she's like, great, leave. But what am I talking about?

I get really passionate about this. Is this show on the air anymore?

No, it would never fly today. It's in The Hague. Yes. And then also there's this woman who's even crazier than Abby Lee. She's from Candy Apple Dance Studios, and her daughter hates

I would not watch the show but watch you describe each episode to me in person. I would love. I will start a YouTube channel that is me.

You can see me openly smoking weed and drinking a milkshake going like, here's the deal. One of my favorite reality TV clips of all time is from Dance Moms that I will send to you guys right now. And it is Abby Lee, the crazy dance teacher, is on her cell phone during one of the girls' solos. And a mom comes up and whispers in her ear, like, you're such a hypocrite being on your phone. You always tell us not to. And it startles Abby so much that she like gasps, and she's in a wheelchair at the time, and she reverses out of the wheelchair, out of the building, and then starts like speeding away. She starts speeding away from the cameras on her wheelchair. They're chasing her down the street.

Erin, not an accusation, not an accusation. Are you sure you didn't get high and start watching Benny Hill?

I think I might be watching Benny Hill. I think I got high and watched Benny Hill. And they're chasing her and she goes to the police station. And she says- What? This escalated so quickly.

This is a clip?

Yeah, it's a clip of her going like- And Casey, you can put that here.

No, I don't think we can. Legally, I don't think we can. But legally, Erin, I don't think we can.

Well, Casey, you'll watch the clip, Casey, and then you can describe it. So here is Casey describing the clip. You just did that! You just did. This is Ted's pour.

Hey folks, it's your editor Casey here. I watched the clip and it's pretty much exactly as Erin described it. So there you go.

It is so funny that she immediately, like anytime I get slightly startled, I want to zoom to the police station.

Okay, she's in a wheelchair at the time. Now, now, painting a picture. Great qualifier.

Erin, you seem to be absolutely smitten with reality dance shows. Did you, were you a dance youth?

I was a dance youth. I danced at a studio called Hazel Boone in Massachusetts. Hazel Boone? Was the person's name Hazel Boone? The original, the woman who made the studio's name was Hazel Boone, and then it was passed from daughter to daughter. And she was like a rock cat. So it was like a really tap dance forward dance studio.

I love Hazel Boone.

Unfortunately they couldn't use that song in the show so they had to use Row Row Row Your Boat instead.

I will again be tap dancing to Happy Birthday.

But I love to say you think you can dance growing up. I still will go on YouTube and watch some of my favorite dances from that from time to time.

That janitor dance. Top notch.

Maybe I'll make a little list of them for the newsletter. Anyway, Janet, thank you so much for being here today. I'm sorry I've spent all of our time with you describing dance moms.

Oh, you startled me so much by putting the attention on me that I'm backing away in my wheelchair. No, Ted, please. The cameras can't keep up with you. Why am I out of breath? I'm in a wheelchair.

I wanted to bring up a topic. Janet, I got good news. We're not going to start doing riddles right now. We might do it a little bit later. Adal, let's do an Adal's Topic segment.

Let's see, do I have a... And now here's Adal with the thing he wants to do.

Ah, there we go. Thanks, Paul F. Tompkins. That's awesome. Wild that he popped in just to give that one line. Now he's just hanging out on the Zoom here. Paul, you can... Okay, yeah, just hang out. I want to bring up, is wheelchair What is the laziest named item in the world?

It feels like, do you know how in foreign languages, the only reason I know this is I remember in Spanish class in high school, we were like, computer, what's computer in Spanish? And they're like, computer. Like, everybody got computer at the same time, so we all just agreed on the word computer, you know? It feels like one of those translations where it's just like, yeah, wheelchair. It's that. It's just that.

Yeah. I was just trying to think, because I'm doing my Duolingo in French, and I remember that wheelchair came up fairly recently, and I think it's like fauteuil roulant, which is really just like a rolling chair.

I keep thinking of examples where I think they just did a really bad job naming the thing. Like, Butterfly is not lazily named. It's just wrong on all accounts. Yeah.

Yeah, what's going on with that?

Why is it called a butterfly?

It's always Charles Butter. You look it up and you're like, okay, Charles Butter. Is it because it spreads its wings? Saw the first one.

Interesting. Raincoat's pretty lazy. Sunglasses are pretty lazy.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, what would you like sunglasses to be called if not sunglasses?

Log flume. Log flume. Oh, yes.

Or a wheelchair. Butterfly. I was gonna say, that's what I would have named Butterfly.

Okay, oh, please. No, is your segment done? My segment's done. Okay.

And that was Adal with something that he said.

Thanks, Paula Thompkins. The other one that I always forget that I have is I always, I have the...

Wish I was in this.

I can't really use it when Janet's here but I forget that I could use that in other contexts so maybe one day it'll make an appearance. Okay, Janet, back to your very important choice. Would you like for us to do on the show today some listener-submitted riddles that are just, I mean, themeless, they're just listener-submitted riddles, or would you rather do the continuation of some animal pun raid riddles that are based on crafting animal puns?

Or, bonus third choice, we spend the rest of this episode with me describing various episodes of Dance Moms.

Yeah, I mean, that's always our third choice. That's always available.

It's always available. It's just sitting out there. It's like the sweater, but it's just me trying to remember all the names of the moms on Dance Moms.

We do an impromptu review crew where Erin is the only one who has watched Dance Moms and it was probably 12 years ago.

Sounds like me at every sleepover. Clearly very into it. Very into it. I'm starting to suspect you might be Old Man Puzzles. Hard to put my finger on what's giving me that impression.

The deduction wheels are already turning for Janet so she's got a head start at the Riddle answering department here.

What do you think she's going to pick? Should we make a bet?

Does it have to be one or the other? We can't like do the first half is and then the second half is the other one? Erin, if I know Janet... I'm burning through two episodes.

She loves a good pun.

I don't know, bitch. I did not say that. I for sure know you didn't say that. Okay, let's see.

Erin! Keif! No, you know what? We can absolutely piggyback and forth. I think that that's a great call. Why don't we start with some animal pun, Riddles? Piggyback and forth sounds like a pun.

Also, how piggyback do we see? Is that a pig sex thing? I'm just realizing right now, since we're talking about why things are named what they are, when you say you're giving someone a piggyback ride, when have we ever seen a pig riding on another pig unless it's sensual?

I think a piggyback is a shot of Jameson and a shot of bacon, I believe.

That's where the original term came from.

That's where Pickleback came from, and then we dropped the... What's another, what's a Nickelback song that I could do a pickle joke with?

And it doesn't matter, and it doesn't matter.

Look at this photograph.

That's Nickelback, right? Yeah, I always get them and Creed confused. You guys might remember these animal pun raid riddles. They were submitted by Ted with two D's and the way that they go and this is an example that we have used before but it's I would say like this mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it's a rabbit and that is a haircut haircut so it's gonna get you to like a It's going to get you to a word and that word is going to have the animal's name in it and the action that the sentence is describing in it.

Okay? JPC, I'm so sorry to interrupt you right before you're about to launch off into Riddle space.

Say launch off.

I don't know, I heard the countdown and that you're about to launch into a riddle. Piggyback originated in the 16th century from the phrase pickpack or pick-a-pack, which meant carrying something on your back and shoulders. By the 19th century, it's one of those things that people shortened so much that it became colloquially known as a piggyback.

It's like an ocean sesame situation.

Yes. Interesting. Yeah, so it really is just a totally different, just completely different words. It's because of all the mumblers, all the mumblers before me.

I'm from a great line of mumblers and we have ruined the English language.

Is there a fairy tale where someone, or like a myth or something like that, where someone like carries a pig on their back to market or something like that? Isn't that something? I have a very clear mental image of that from like a children's fairytale book.

Are you thinking about this little piggy went to market? Are you thinking about your toes? Are you thinking about your toes?

I think I looked at the Kama Sutra and I saw someone with their toes behind their back and I thought, oh yes, we can use piggies to work it.

Now, we are going to get to these riddles. Is there something in dancing with the dogs? Erin, it's like people paired with dogs and they have to learn to dance with the dog.

I will watch it every week. I will watch it every week. Any dance reality TV show I'm in.

I dance with my dog a lot. I already dance with my own dog. We could be competing. Here's the thing.

I know the ethics of some of this stuff is kind of out the window, but is it ethical to dance with your dog for a TV show?

Because you have to do a lot of- Isn't that what those, like, dog show, like- I guess so, right?

Where they do that- Yeah. And those are fine? We've all agreed that those are fine, right?

The Enchanted Pig is a Romanian fairy tale. And a prince takes the form of a pig. Okay. I doubt that's what you're thinking of, but maybe.

Prince takes the form of a pig? Why does he do that? That's the most backhanded compliment I've ever heard someone recall. What an enchanted pig. Thank you.

He takes the form of a pig.

I'm on it. While Erin is looking that up, we'll start with these animal pun raids from Ted. These mammals took full advantage of their position as the only primates on Madagascar. Ooh. Took full advantage of their position. Leverage-mer.

Lemur court advantage.

No, Adal, you have it.

Leverage-lemur. Lemurage.

Lemurage!

It's lemurage!

That can't be right.

That can't be right. Does it form a real word?

So the word is leverage, which was what Adal got, and lemur, and it forms the word lemurage. So it doesn't form a real word. It's a What, like a pun on, I don't know, it's not, yeah.

I would like to see a scene. Sure. Janet and Adal, you are two lemurs that have been brought to a zoo here in America, and you really were, you were in Madagascar, and you were sort of the king of the castle, and it's your first day of school, and you're kind of meeting the other animals, and you realize that you might not have the lemurage that you had before. In JPC, you can play whatever animal you want.

Got it. Oh, I don't know. This looks pretty weird. This doesn't seem like a fun little parade.

I gotta tell you something. This is... Everybody's eyes here are a lot less wide and scared looking than ours.

Yeah, I agree.

And I'm afraid we're gonna be made fun of. I really hope that's not the case.

Yeah, let's blend in. Let's blend in. Oh, here comes someone. Blend in, blend in. Hey, cheeseburger.

Hey, my regular friend, I see.

Corvettes. Chocolate. Radishes. Pepsi Cola, buddy.

You're in my tree.

I was going to eat the leaves out of this tree. You're in my tree.

Oh, this tree?

This tree here?

I didn't realize this was a tree. I thought this was a bank. Huh? Are you two new?

Oh, okay. Hey, okay.

Well, I was actually, I was born in captivity. So I'm, I can kind of give you the lay of the land if you want. So you guys are I'm Typically what I suggest for new people is... Oof, these giraffes look sick.

What is wrong with those giraffes?

Yeah, need Pepsi Cola. America.

Hey, hey, hey, hey man. Don't get them throwing Pepsi Cola in here, okay? I just got down to my ideal giraffe weight. If you fuck this up... Seed.

Oh my god.

I saw a video the other day of a giraffe being born. Previously on Zoo. Why are humans so helpless when we're born?

I guess because we can be.

It's because of our big brains. Our big brains take like most of the development time and most animals don't need brains as big as humans. They can develop like muscles and stuff like that where we spend all of our time developing brains.

Huh. Not me though. I don't know what I was doing.

If human hips were wider, we could gestate longer. Like elephants gestate for like two years and giraffes for a long time as well.

But why aren't our hips wider?

Hey Erin, you're preaching to the goddamn choir here. You know what I'm saying?

I'll take my answer offline.

You know what I'm saying? No, I have no idea. Blame God.

I always do.

Here's the next one. This reptile can hide its body by changing colors but not its love for sleepy herbal tea.

Wait, a reptile?

Chamomilian.

I am unfortunately getting way too deep into the science of this because I had to stop short and go, isn't it an amphibian? Or maybe a chameleon? I guess chameleon's a reptile. I'm an idiot.

You know what?

You needed to cook your brain longer. I needed to cook my brain longer!

If you give me most animals and say 50-50 between reptile and amphibian, I'm getting 50% of that test right every time, baby. I'm in the same boat.

Salamander for sure, amphibious. I think the best way to remember is, can it be in water?

Welcome back to Ambivian.

Wait, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. I'm going to add a quick spontaneous one. This, and this can be really hard for you guys to guess, this member of politics is taking advantage of its ability to keep something from being discussed or passed while in a session.

Salad gerrymander?

Yeah, I mean, my understanding is you could just say salamandering and that's just a squashing of two things together. Salamandering. Did I do it, Ted?

Well, I would like to see a scene. GPC, we will have you be salamandering.

We? We the people? Yeah, we the people.

We're going to see you do that. And you're very passionate. And Adal, you are sort of the speaker and you're trying to get him to knock it off so we can continue with other animal business.

When you cut us, do we not bleed? When it gets cold, do we not fall out of trees? I'd like to reclaim my time. When our tail gets cut off, do we grow another tail?

Can I get another minute back on the clock? I would like to reclaim my time.

It sounds like he's asking what he is.

Are our tongues not pretty quick? Do we not eat a bug?

If we see a bug, can someone stop that trumpeting?

It's a trumpeter's wand. They're allowed to do this.

I would like to reclaim my time.

No, you're never getting that time back.

Erin, I would like to see a scene. Oh, wow. Five to ten seconds of you being Mr. Chameleon Bean. So it's Mr. Bean as a comedian.

It's going to be completely silent. Yeah.

Ready? It's just for the three of you. Or Casey as well. It was just seen.

I feel like he throws in a lot of like... That's Yoda.

That's true. That's Yoda. That's Yoda. He does make Yoda sounds though. It's true.

Okay, Adal, I want that on my desk by Monday morning. I hope you didn't have plans this weekend.

You can have it on your desk now.

Despite having a long, awkward horn, this small whale can still perform some sick surfing tricks. Gnarly whale.

Gnarly wall. Gnarly wall. It's gnarly wall.

Who got there first? Was that you, Erin?

Janet? I said it, but I said gnarly whale, so I'm disqualified.

I would like to see a scene. That is a disqualification. Yes, I understand. Erin, you are gnarly WALL-E, so you're like WALL-E the robot, but you're like a surfer. You've only watched, like, Point Break. You know how WALL-E just watched, like, classic movies?

You know.

Well, this gnarly WALL-E watched Point Break.

I'm fucking dying. Adal, my brain's moving so slow today that I literally, from my computer, saw the scene concept coming at me and it was like, bloop, bloop, bloop.

And Janet, you're interacting with this robot you just found in the dump, which is Erin's robot.

Wow, this thing is in pretty good condition. What happens if I... Mr. Bean? Well, are you?

Surf's up. What?

Surf's up. Surf's up? Why do you sound so frail? Maybe if I just dust you off a little bit and cough out some of those banana peels, some of those dump banana peels.

Bring me to the water. I want to shred one more time.

Oh, we are in Iowa, my friend. I don't know how you got all the way to this dump. Not Iowa. Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze. Oh, we can watch Dirty Dancing. I can take you back to my place and we can watch Dirty Dancing. No!

No!

Okay, you seem real needy. I'm gonna go ahead and just accidentally kick you over and put some more trash on you.

One of them's a cop? What's pretty great about their surfing cops?

Yeah, yeah. I think Keanu Reeves is an undercover cop.

What do you mean shrug? JBC, show me. Act it out.

Oh wait, I forgot I'm here with JBC.

JBC, you're like a Jeff Garland type, like in WALL-E. Nixon mask, and then someone, they shoot up a bank.

Starting to feel like, oh yes, you're either clairvoyant or this is charades.

And then they skydive. And then what happens? They shoot someone from the... Oh, they shoot at the plane.

We cut to three weeks later. Ladies and gentlemen, please... Welcome to Ames, Iowa Community Theater. Please... Place is a dump. Get out. Get out, sir. Please give a round of applause for... No, we're doing it in a dump, right? Yes, it is in the dump. Please give a round of applause for these robots who are putting on a production of Point Break.

Stick em up! This is a bank robbery at the beginning of the movie Point Break. I am not a crook. What is this movie about?

Johnny Utah, I don't know how to quit you. Johnny Five is a live on stage scene.

Let's see. Erin, have you seen Point Break? Yeah, like a million years ago. Let's see. Former Ohio State quarterback and rookie FBI agent Johnny Utah.

Yep. The best name.

I saw this for the first time recently. I had never seen it. By the ex-president. Oh, I see. I see.

Janet, what caused you to want to, or I shouldn't say want, what caused you to watch Point Break?

What compelled me? I feel like it was for something.

Sure.

Which is so true of so much in the comedy podcast space. I think I like needed to watch it to have seen it to discuss it on something.

JPC, I did remember this, right? It's like undercover cops infiltrating the surfer community.

And then he gets too deep in, right?

Yeah, but that's what I guessed.

And they're also skydiving, I want to say?

Well, yes, they are skydiving because they're thrill junkies.

Either Gary Busey or Nick Nolte, one of those guys.

Wait, who?

Either Gary Busey or Nick Nolte.

Can we watch it for review, crew? And Janet, you come back with pleasure. Thank you, Janet.

Let's watch, because they remade it as well and it's not as good, but let's watch Point Break and we won't tell each other which one we're watching and we'll just try to compare notes. Great. Love. Is it, is it, there was someone in Point Break, is Joey Pants in Point Break?

That sounds right.

Who's Joey Pants?

Joey Pantoliano. Come on, Joe.

I'm sorry, Joey Pantoliano. Joey Pantoliano. I also know his name is Joey Pantoliano. Does he call himself Joey Pants? Because I've only ever heard of him as Joey Pants.

I think he might. I think he leaned into that. He might have started it.

I could be misremembering this, but I thought that Joey Pants gave himself a bigger role in that movie than he should have had.

You're right. He was supposed to, there was some movie he was in where he famously, this is a story I've heard many, many times and I can't remember all of it, but he was in a movie where he was supposed to die and in the scene he gets shot and he starts screaming and screaming and screaming instead of dying and they yell cut and he's still screaming and then the director's like, what are you doing? And he goes, just in case you want to bring me back.

Today we're talking In case you just fade this one ever, because this is how we go to break. This is how we go to break, so just fade it whenever you want.

It also has two girls, Brooke and Paige. And then I think it's Kathy, who's from Candy Apples, who's nuts.

Hey Erin, hey JPC, can you guys help me figure something out? Oh sure.

Always.

I have this charge. I'll pull up my bank account here. I have this charge that says JPC tax $5,000. It's like a monthly deduction.

Oh, yes. That should be good. No, no, Adal, go to your Rocket Money app and have them cancel that for you. We signed up for the free trial like three months ago and then we forgot about it and I noticed it. I got like a ping from Rocket Money in my email and they let me know that I had been paying for the GPC test.

Lost another one to Rocket Money! Oh man, yeah. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Unless you're me with the GPC tax and then your savings are dwindling. With Rocket Money, you can do automatic transaction categorization across your accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns and add context. Also, if you have a big event coming up, like a wedding or some monumental expense, it helps you plan and save for something like that.

The app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years and years, way before they were ever a sponsor, and I love how easy it is to read and how intuitive it is.

Yeah, I love Rocket Money, but Erin, I do hate that voice. Was that JPC? It sounded like a Rumpelstiltskin type voice. Did you hear that?

Yeah.

No, so that's just like, that's a voice alert I have on my phone every time someone unsubscribes to the JPC tax. I don't know where it's from or how to turn it off.

That's kind of scary. We'll deal with that later.

We'll let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle.

Lost another one to Rocket Money!

Yeah, that's not even coming from your phone.

Yeah, is that coming from inside of our heads maybe? Yeah, like heaven maybe?

Yikes blikes. Oh, JPC, it's that time of the year where all of my goals have kind of gone out the window because I am busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And it is hard to figure out, like, when to cook and when to go grocery shopping and meal planning. I'm exhausted.

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Oh yes, I don't often, I love the word scrumptious. I don't get to use it often. These options are scrumptious and healthy. I've been enjoying the Five Spice Glazed Chicken Thighs, the Chili Shrimp Rice Bowl, and one of my favorites, the Picante Carnitas Pork Rice Bowl. Nom nom nom nom nom.

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Look, Erin, for a limited time, and that might be all you have, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to Tempomeals.com slash Riddle. That's Tempomeals.com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E, for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com slash Riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply.

I look it. I look it.

Erin, you're standing in front of a mirror.

I look it.

They do exist! Hey Adal, Erin, I am freaking out. Okay, so I just got an email from, uh, do you guys know Casey, the editor of the show or whatever?

Oh yeah. Sleepo?

Yeah, Sleepo. Oh my god, thanks so you know. I got an email from him that says he hasn't been paid in seven years and yeah, I'm kind of... Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all, paying Sleepo,

dealing with Found Dracula, who's sort of a Dracula that uses Found, banking, bookkeeping, etc. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps.

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You wanna say?

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Okay, guys, I'm getting an email from the brand. They say they never authorized Found Dracula.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm not official. I'm just a Dracula who uses Found.

I could swear that they wanted us to use you.

Could have sworn that they were desperate for us to do this.

I've crossed through fields and I've climbed through mountains and here I am, at the Great Temple, to ask the Master

Excuse me? Excuse me? Yes? Oh! Uh, how do I? What do I? How do I? When am I going to buy a car? How do I buy a car?

Ah, you've come to the right place, for we are the Car Gurus!

Yeah, and I kind of came all this way, but then I heard that actually it's a website and I could just go to the website?

Yeah, GPC, with CarGurus Discover, you can skip the filters and describe what you're looking for in your own words. Simply type what you want and CarGurus Discover instantly surfaces real listings that match your exact needs. It's so easy, you don't have to go on this long journey while you're buying a new car.

It's no wonder CarGurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data. Have you brought a offering? Yeah, I mean, I have an offering and I'm also looking that dealership mode on CarGurus app puts you in control. You can compare side-by-side, check pricing, and estimate your final cost so you can navigate the dealership with confidence. And with more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars, so it's easier than ever to find the right car and the right deal. Honestly, I feel like walking all this way was kind of a waste of my time.

No, Mama, not a waste, Mama. Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at CarGurus.com. Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S.com. CarGurus.com, Mama.

And Casey, I know I never do this, but I'm going to need a clip of Adal saying, no, Mama, CarGurus, Mama.

Yeah, I would like one, too, for personal use.

Mama's for all.

Candy Apples is just the most perfect name for a dance studio of a nuts person.

Yeah, if I walked into a place called Candy Apples Dance Studio and it wasn't just like a man sitting on a folding chair being like, this is a front, leave, this is, we're money laundering, I'd be like, oh, no, you're right, yep, got it. Good on you.

That's so fucking funny. Fronts should do that. It's just a guy reading a newspaper going, oh, ah, nope, sorry, this is money laundering.

Alright, here we are. We're going to do more of these animal pun raids. We created a research facility to figure out why this is the most popular dog breed in America. Golden Receiver.

Lab, lab, labradoodle, lab, lab, labradoodle.

You've got the dog, Janet.

Lab, dog, dog lab. Yeah.

We created a research facility

Laboratory, labradoridor. Labrador. Labrador. I was working on a dog.

No one's gotten the combo word yet, but everyone's circling it. No one will. It's labrador in laboratory. What do we, how do we think? Labradory. This says... Ellen DeGeneres is... Labradoratory. Labradoratory. A labradoratory retriever.

Labradoratory. I'm going to go ahead and say boo. I would live in a labradormatory.

I'm going to go ahead and say boo. Boo.

Can I have some of your shampoo?

Here's your next one. It sounds like Steven Wright is a ghost.

This small rodent exhibited great honor and nobility when it pulled a thorn from a lion's paw.

A mouse-er-size.

It's a mouse-er-size. It's a mouse, but it... Great honor and nobility when it pulled a thorn from a lion's paw. It did something out of the goodness of its own heart. You could say that it was... Mousetastic.

Mouse.

It's not mousetastic. Mouse is actually the end of this word. So if you get the first part of the word, it's going to throw mouse at the end.

Courage mouse. Honestly, Adam, right now, don't laugh at that one. That one felt really good, Adam.

After lemurage, which I think was the lemur hemorrhage or something, I think anything is... To use the example of haircut, and then to have these be... I will say this one's actually pretty close.

The end of the word that you're looking for does... Hey Riddle It's kind of like, uh, what's lava called when it's under the ground? Magma.

Magnifamous.

It's Magnanimous.

Oh god, wow. Magnanimous.

That one hurts. But again, that one, it kind of sounds like magnanimous. Like magnanimous is just magnanimous without the e. Magnanimous. That's maybe the best one so far. Okay, well hey, we still have like five more.

You know what, Ted didn't know what he was doing. This large wild cattle will happily give you the scoop on what's going on around town. I got into scoop. I'm so sorry. That's awesome, Adal. That's awesome. That's awksome. That's awksome.

That's awksome. Free press.

Gossip.

It's not gossip.

I don't think we've had the animal yet. Noo. The noo. Cows. Noos. Just G-N-U.

It's not new. News actually fucks. That works so well. You actually get a gold star for achievement and you can take the rest of the riddle off.

Oh my god.

Can you repeat the riddle? Yeah, it's this large wild cattle. I'll stop there and help you guys.

Bison.

It's not bison.

I gotta tell you from the sidelines, I am floating on a pool noodle drinking of Bartles and James right now. I love taking the rest of the riddle off. Buffalo Down?

It's Buffalo Down, Adal! It's Buffalo Down.

Adal, thank God you're here.

Thank God you're here, Adal, to get Buffalo down for us. I do want to see a scene. Adal, you are going to be... We're like animals at a watering hole, but you're the animal that has all the hot gossip, and every other animal is trying to get you to spill what the tea is.

Ooh, what do we have here? Water, water, water. I'm thirsty, okay. Dip my tongue in, lap it into my throat. I heard... Hey, Terry, Terry. What's up? I heard that the impalas... No, I shouldn't. Water, water, water. Lap some into my mouth. Gulp, gulp, gulp. Alright, bye everyone. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

What? The impalas? What?

Oh, you heard something? What'd you hear? Oh my God.

Jeff.

Jeff are you trying to sort of I heard that the Impalas have been farting into each other's mouths You didn't hear this from me Jeff. Bye everyone.

No Jeff. Hold on Are you trying to get us to talk about anything but last night or wars of war, huh? I just feel like you're kind of wanting the gossip to be sort of off of you like you walked over here kind of I was at home last night the whole time

Jeff, we weren't all talking about you when you came up.

Like last night was last night.

Everyone gets drunk on their birthday and makes mistakes.

Gossip about me? Okay, this is news.

Oh, yeah, some of the news, we're talking about it as well. They said guilty as charged. They've been gossiping about you, Jeff. Oh, Jeff.

What did I do? I kind of browned out. Oh, well, then we don't have to remind you.

I think then that's fine.

Right? No, we should, we should remind, we should, I mean, we should let him know. It's, we should let him know because he could, he needs to probably, um,

Emotionally process the embarrassment.

You called your ex your mom's name and you called your mom your ex's name. And then you called both.

Oh no.

Oh no. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

What's an iceberg?

I don't know.

We just say that phrase. Does anyone know why we say that phrase?

From the 16th century.

Alright, here's your next one. When he and his brethren fell from heaven, they did so in flying V formation.

Um, Satan Goose.

You're not there with Satan Goose. Beelze Goose. You're so close.

I just watched the squirrel. A squirrel in my tree just fell out of the sky right after you. You said that and it dropped like 15 feet straight onto another tree. I think it's fine but I just, I'm so sorry.

We summoned Beelze-goose and then the animals have been dying. Oh that is so dramatic.

I'm sorry. No, I mean, I can see that the tree down below, because it's a hillside, is like wiggling and moving. Like, it's fine. But I've never seen a squirrel just fall through the air like a dead weight. Oh, he's probably so embarrassed. Yeah. So sorry.

Janet, you dug that story. One, it's going to give me the best dream I've ever had tonight. It also made me realize the answer is probably Guccifer.

It's Guccifer. It's Guccifer.

It's Guccifer. I want to see the whole Bible depicted in animal form. I would like to see a scene.

Janet, you don't because that is something that exists probably.

It's Guccifer, but it's also Geesis. Geesis Christ.

I would bet dollars to the donuts that Untitled Goose Project was originally called Guccifer. Guccifer.

Probably. I'd like to see a scene. Are you sure? I do. I am sure. Adal, you are goose- or no, I'll have you have JBC. You'll be Goose-opher. Adal, you are going to hell as a human and you're surprised that the devil is you.

What the fuck, Erin? Just give me a character.

No, no, no. You're not you. Not you, Adal, but a version of you.

Ugh.

Oh.

What the- what? The last thing I remember, I was climbing a tree and I fell and I- my- What? I hurt my- Hello?

Hello?

Oh. Oh, you're- you're also dead?

What? No. I'm very much alive. Oh, is this- Well, as much as- as much as one could be alive. Okay. Welcome to my domain.

Heaven?

And guess again. I'll give you two shots. Little hell joke.

Purgatory?

No, it's hell. It's hell.

Oh, I guess when you said hell joke I should have assumed.

Yeah, yeah. No worries. Hold on. You are a human?

I'm an adult.

Okay, yeah.

I can see that. Which is human-esque.

When you died, you said you fell out of a... You were saying you fell out of a tree? Yeah, I was gonna say I fell down, but I... Did you... Did you see if there was anything below you when you fell? Nah, I wasn't... Here's what happened. Here's what happened. Okay. You probably fell on a goose. And the soles got intertwined and switched a little bit. Because this is Goose Hell.

I'm Goosever. Well, those are swans. Those are trumpet swans.

Yeah.

They know what they did.

Please help me. They know what they did.

They know what they did.

Everything should have its own hell, right?

So it's all siloed.

Hell is all siloed. Is heaven still just a free-for-all? Or do all dogs go to dog heaven?

It's just dogs and Mormons, I believe.

There's three tiers in Mormonism. One is for dogs.

Is Mormonism the one where you get your own planet when you die?

I mean one of, I'm sure many, I'm sure many religions give you your own planet.

When they saw Mormonism was doing it, like all the other religions were like, this weekend only! Sign up to be a Lutheran and you get your own planet! First 100 ladies through the door in their own planet. Take it back. I remember in college, you could get the Mormons called on you if you went to the Latter Day Saints website or whatever and then put in one of your friends' address and said, I'm interested in... This is like the most tame version of swatting. Yeah, you're like, Mormon swatting people.

I call the Mormon swat team on my friend.

You know what it was? It wasn't even that. What it was, was you could get them to send you a copy of the... Book of Mormon? I'm gonna say Mormon Bible? Close enough.

Do they have a better name for it? Book of Mormon. Book of Mormon! Like the play, musical.

They would send you the Book of Mormon for free. Anyone could get it. Like, you could just request it. So if you're interested in seeing, like, what the heck's in this thing, but then they would have your address and then they would also send some missionaries out just to, like, triple check. You didn't want to, like, swing on in, get your own planet.

Yeah.

It's fun. It's fun to swat people with the board. It's marvelous fun. Here's your next one.

This arctic mammal has developed a serious mental disorder as a result of global bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar

Oh my God. Would you like to sit on my lap?

No, thank you. Sorry, I was trying to get a last-minute appointment. I had a really bad panic attack the other day at work, and I just thought that this would help.

Would anyone like some cookies?

Oh, thank you, honey. Sorry, this is going to be a private session.

Oh, a private session.

Oh, sounds a little sexy.

Okay, the clause is famous swingers. Guys, I really am here for therapy.

Yeah, honey, get out of here. That's super inappropriate and, like, probably against the law. Oh, okay. I'm sorry for interrupting.

I'll see you guys at the bar later, maybe for something else, but for now... Great.

Let's keep those things separate.

We'll go start building a condom. Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry.

I forgot that an elf was right underneath me. You gotta get out of here too, Scrapples. Okay.

Scrapples, I'll see you at the candy bar later. So I just feel like sometimes in a snowstorm, like I disappear. You know what I mean? Like I can't see myself anymore. Like I don't even recognize myself.

And if you had to categorize that behavior as either naughty or nice, what do you think you would be?

Well, that's the thing is I want it. In those moments, I want to be nice, but I feel like I'm kind of no one in those moments. Like I kind of disappear. You know what I think might solve it? I think just go to the bar later and have it a bunch of sex.

What's that? You said it, not me.

Swinging with people. You're right. That's probably the best solution to my emotional problem.

Hey, what'll it be? Let me guess. Coca-Cola?

Hey man, fuck you. I want a Bud Light, please. Can I get a Coke?

Make that two.

Hey, we don't serve your kind Coca-Cola's here. Only bears drink Coca-Cola here.

That is one of the most memorable Christmas commercials.

Oh yeah, when Santa fucks the polar bear?

I feel like that is, as far as my life goes, that is the first time I was, I guess, aware of ASMR. Before ASMR was labeled was the polar bear commercials because they drink, much like Mr. Bean, they drink the Coke and they're like... Right? Those are commercials you're thinking of?

I don't I don't remember them making ASMR-y sounds. I don't I don't remember that I I remember like the crisp like I feel like they did a lot in the lab to get the crisp like coke bottle coming off and that's like Yeah, that's yeah.

I thought you were gonna say it was your first awareness of like CG.

Oh, maybe.

Hopefully you would have known about CG before that.

In the

The Budweiser. Those are three frogs.

Oh, okay, we moved to a different commercial. I gotcha.

Yes, I'm sorry. I was trying to think of my first instance of seeing CG in commercial. All those Clydesdales, those are all CG, right? They don't make horses that big, right? Please, God, tell me they don't make horses that big. Oh, are cladsdales exclusive to Budweiser? Can no one else... If, like, Dodge Durango wanted to have horses at a commercial, could they have cladsdales, or is that horse-only?

It would probably be stupid, but I don't think that they can own an animal.

I mean, I think if you can trademark animals, you could trademark humans, and, you know, Apple could be like, no other humans can be in commercials, and then we'd all be... Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

I just don't think I've ever seen anyone else do, like Mr. Clean can do a commercial that's just Clydesdales if they wanted to, right?

But Mr. Clean can't be in like a Subway commercial.

No, the commercial's gonna have both men in it.

It would be cool if he were.

You can't license Mr. Clean to also just eat a Subway sandwich and at the end it's just Subway and you're like, are they going to talk about Mr. Clean at all?

Like the product? You guys, I thought we booked Mr. Bean. We got Mr. Clean.

The Charmin Bears are just like in the force. They're like, do you know that you could bet on presidential elections with Cal-She? And they're like, huh, interesting. And you're like, what the fuck did I just see?

What the fuck was that? And the Keebler Elves are like, up here, up here.

Scrabbles. Now the Brawny guy and Mr. Clean are fucking, right?

They're definitely out there fucking. Just kind of running through it. Here's your next one. I do want to see a scene real quick.

We're going to see a commercial for, um, this is a commercial for orange juice. And, uh, the three of you, Janet, Erin, and JPC, you're each going to enter at some point as a very famous mascot or a spokesperson for a different brand. Got it. Oh, let me go into the fridge here. See what we have to drink. Milk, no water. Oh, orange juice. Yum! I'm drinking some now. All done with the orange.

That's great! Ah! A tiger! I'm not here to kill ya. Why did I even say that? I'm not putting anyone at ease when I say that. I love orange juice because I love breakfast. I won't say what else I eat. But it's all grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Just make sure you put that orange juice back in the refrigerator when you're done. Remember, only you can prevent orange juice from getting too warm. Ho ho ho! Did someone say Christmas?

I fucking knew it. This is gonna launch into a Santa thing again. And I'm gonna get horny all over again.

I in my mind I was going through my like the mascots I know and I was like first I hit Mr. Peanut was like Mr. Peanut.

Me too and I was like what does he sound like?

No fucking idea what he sounds like. Fancy.

I was also thinking Mr. Monopoly and then I was like that's not a spokesperson. It is.

Does the Trix rabbit talk? Again, I just don't know. He sweats.

He sweats.

Right? In all the commercials, he's like... If I hadn't committed myself to be Santa immediately without even knowing what Adal was going to have us do, I would have brought in maybe the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Pillsbury Doughboy, yes. The other one my brain went to, I went to, I don't know why, the Gordon's Fisherman, but then I hit that and I go, no, what does he sound like? Do you know the Gordon's Fisherman? He's on like the fish stick box, he's just like a guy in a yellow raincoat.

I confuse him with like, isn't there like a Fisherman's Friend cough drop, like a lozenge, that does basically the same guy?

Which is actually pretty addictive.

And then the other one I went to was Jolly Green Giant, and I'm like, None of these people have distinct, like, these, these, again, these are just like cartoon mascots on packaging, so they wouldn't have like a known voice, but.

Yeah.

To be fair, the Jolly Green Giant, kind of aping Santa Claus.

Oh, he does go ho ho ho, doesn't he? Wait a minute.

Yes, he does. Ho ho ho, I'm ho ho horny.

For beans.

Santa?

Horny for beans.

Um. Alright, hold on. We gotta do more. One more. We have three more. We gotta get through these. Despite being extinct, this creature is still very worried about its status as king of the dinosaurs.

Projects led by these red-rumped primates often turn into wasteful and impractical messes.

Baboons. Yes, baboon.

Red-rumped primate is baboon.

What's the clue?

What's the other? Wasteful and impractical messes.

This is like a... Yes! Janet, really?

Yes, it's baboon doggle!

In my mind I was like, what's a... is a boondoggle a thing? And then I think I was imagining a dune buggy. Okay, here's your last one. You guys have done a great job, and everyone's done an equally great job is what I'll say.

No, I got one. They got a hundred. Let's not joke. I didn't cook long enough. Erin, we said a lot of things.

That doesn't mean we got them right.

That's right.

I don't know. You didn't get a lot.

I think you're going to get this one, Erin. This ocean predator makes cynical and ironic remakes about being older than trees. Shark. Megalodon. It's shark. We got shark.

Shark.

What's the other hint?

Ironic remarks about being older than trees.

Welcome back!

We'll see you next time. Okay, Erin, since you got that one right, and you're so good at being sarcastic, I want to see a scene. You're going to be like a... This is like an underwater stand-up comedy club, and you are going to be playing a shark who's doing stand-up, but they only do crowd work, okay? So you're going to be coming to us for crowd work.

Anyone here on a date? Anyone here on a date tonight?

We're on a date, yeah. The two of us are on a date.

How long have you two been in a relationship?

Um, it's our first date.

Your first date. Uh, wow. How'd you meet each other?

Coming to the show.

You met each other here at the show and now you're on a date?

Well, this is our first date. We met up at the show. Yeah.

Where did you meet?

We go to the same school.

You guys are way too young to be in here. What do you mean you go to the same school?

Of fish.

I don't really like people in my audience who do like groupthink and just sort of follow what other people do. So can you guys get the hell out of here? Everyone should applaud me, right? I'm getting all these fish that like they just need. Oh, this is my impression of being in a school of fish. Oh, you guys are going right? I'll also go right.

You have a big fish on your stomach.

Yeah, he cleans me off, bitch. I need it medically. You're going to come after me at something I need medically? That fish cleans my stomach, bitch.

I'm also a Yes fan who does a lot of wooing and cheering, so it seems like the crowd's more into it than they are.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much to that trumpeter swan in the back. No, get this guy out of here. No, absolutely not. No more Santas. No more Santas on my watch, I don't think so.

It was Santa Eel, Erin. You don't want to see Santa Eel?

I don't.

I don't want any more branding of Santas on this podcast. It should be Santa, Santa Ray, like Manta Ray.

When an eel bites your heel, that's for real, that's a moray. That's a Santa.

I do like Moray Eel. Yeah, that's great.

I like a crowd work comedian that goes to the crowd, asks them a question, and then kicks them out. A crowd work guy who's just gradually working his way through kicking every little rib out of his shell.

I love it. Yeah.

Janet, you did a great job. Ted, you did a great job. And everyone here did a great job. And now it is time for the saddest part of the show. The part of the show where we basically stop doing the show and we tell you about stuff that we'd like you to check out. Janet, do you have anything that you would like people to check out?

I'm going to resist making an April Fool's Day joke and instead tell you to listen to E Pluribus Motto, the podcast I do with the great John Hodgman, where we explore mottos. I'm blanking on anything else that a state chooses for itself. Mottos, flags, state snacks, state flowers, state trees, state bees. It's really just an excuse for us to talk about cute stuff and try to come up with new and better non-Latin mottos for states. It's a lot of fun. on the show.

I'd like to plug Quality Time. It's my monthly show here in Los Angeles. It's a different theme every month. So come check that out if you haven't yet. Adal, anything to plug?

Please check out Gum, Shoes, and Dragons, the delightful D&D slash Columbo podcast that we do with our friend Anthony Burch. You can check that out, Gumshoes and Dragons. And also there was something else I wanted to plug, which was, oh, please go back and watch the Coca-Cola commercials with the polar bears and let me know if they do make little Mr. Bean-esque sounds, because I swear, I swear that's when I was first aware of like a pleasing sound, which was like the polar bears drinking and they're like, yeah, like it's so satisfying. So please watch that. JPC, anything to plug or a review to read?

Hey, this is also, this Friday is the first of our month of April of the Penguins. Penguin Baseball is back on Patreon, so check it out, patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle. We'll have Casey, Tony, and Janet Varney will be there for the draft. We have five new exciting teams. It's going to be a fun April, April of the Penguins. That is Patreon for Hey Riddle Riddle all month long. Hey, I also have a review to read. This review comes to us from Sintwine. Sintwine says, fun stuff. It's funny. I like it. Short, sweet, to the point. Great job, Seth Wein.

Thank you.

Erin, I have another animal pun raid thing here. I guess Ted just sent this one to me. So this is a type of bird that can't fly and plays baseball, but is also from outer space.

Hot dogs. Come on. I didn't even get to participate in it. I don't even get to do it anymore.

You gotta be fast. You gotta be fast, Erin.

Larry Parrish in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardemus and Emmeline Morris.

Hey there, balls and eggs. If you liked that, you are going to love this. It's April of the Penguins on Hey Riddle Riddle, which means more penguin baseball. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start a seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a headgum podcast.