Which Riddle Riddle?

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Okay, GPC, help me roll this cake in. All right, Aaron. Oh, this is... John T. Reilly is gonna pop out. Aaron, we got you a giant cake for your... I mean, I know it's your birthday when we record. It's not necessarily your birthday when this comes out, but... Here's a big cake for you to blow out.

I know what this looks like. This is a giant cake. Someone's inside this.

Okay, okay. That's your cue, buddy.

Where are the air holes?

Oh no.

Adal, where are the air holes?

Oh no. Erin, Erin, we have to come clean with you.

Adal, the air holes, I say, grasping your collar.

So the cake goes faster? I forgot.

We have to come clean, Erin. This is not your birthday cake. This is... Since this is coming out four days before my birthday, this is my birthday cake. And what I wanted for my birthday is, check the top, dead John C. Reilly. So I get what I want for my birthday. And Erin, could you be happy for me for once?

Rolls Cake out of the room. Rolls it down a hill. Alright. I'm still alive. Whatever. Let's just start the episode. It's everyone's birthday, I guess. Casey, happy birthday. Adal, happy birthday. Everyone has a birthday.

No, they're in the summer. It shouldn't be. Yeah, ours are both in June.

Cake's JPC rolls him out of the room. Erin, we didn't fall boys.

We didn't fall boys, Erin. Oh boy.

How are you feeling another year older?

Yes, still alive. Huh? Who would have thought? Who would have thought? Um, how's everyone doing? JPC? Are you caffeinated? Are you ready to record?

Yeah, for sure.

Adal, how are you feeling? Did you stretch? Are you ready?

Oh, no, I didn't stretch. Do you mind if I do that now?

Sure.

Okay, that was me getting up to stretch, and now the stretching begins.

I did my version of my morning stretches, which is waking up and realizing that it snowed, so I have to go out there and shovel. And by morning stretches, I mean shoveling without stretching, and then being like, yeah, shoveling does really take it out of the old back, doesn't it?

Do you have a fancy shovel? I'm not a homeowner in the Midwest like you guys are, so what's the deal? Do you guys have snowblowers? What are we working with?

We don't. A Chicago sidewalk is not really big enough to warrant a snowblower. There is a guy on my street that has a snowblower, and every time he's out there doing it, he's snowblowing half the block, because I feel like that's the only way to justify having a snowblower.

In our neighborhood, there's one guy who has one, and everyone's like, can you come do mine?

Yeah. I think if you have one, it honestly does not take that much longer to just snowblow everything. But I don't have one of those. Maybe I've told this on the show before, but I did buy one year, and this is probably a couple of years ago, I bought a like electric snow shovel. So it's like a snow thrower. It's not like a snow blower, but it's like a shovel. It's like an attachment that you put on and you push it like a shovel and it just shoots it like 10 feet in front of the shovel.

It seems like a weapon.

Yeah, it's like a weapon. But it only shoots in front. And so if you're just doing like the sidewalk in front of your house, like it would be great if I had a long driveway to shovel.

Yeah.

Because I could just shoot it out into the street, which is like where you want the snow to go. But instead, I just shoot it like deeper into my neighbor's sidewalk that they'll have to shovel eventually. So I'm like, this is like not, this is not a sidewalk shoveling shovel.

Also, don't you want to not put the snow on the street? You want to put it on your lawn so you can drive down the street.

Well, I don't give a shit about my street. Actually, I would prefer if no one was able to drive down my street because then people wouldn't go 100 miles down my street. I don't drive down my street because I have an alley. So me throwing all of the snow in my street would just be like additional snow barricades so that people aren't driving like fucking maniacs down my street.

You are a terrible member of the community.

Oh yeah, I'm the terrible member of the community, not the people who are doing 100 miles an hour down a residential road.

I was like, you don't like having fun.

I would love to have way more, like four or five more speed bumps on my street. And there's already two speed bumps on the street. I also constantly am hearing people fuck up their cars by driving so fast over the speed bumps and just hearing like scrapes in front of the cars. I'm like, yeah, well, you know, if you live fast, you die hard.

You gotta be going so slow down those streets, especially in Chicago. There's kids running everywhere. They're running amok.

You're not on a street that warrants anything over 30. No, no.

It's like a neighborhood cross street.

30 in an emergency, too.

It's insane.

Like 30 if your wife is giving birth.

But no, I just have a blue plastic snow shovel that I use to shovel the snow. Every time I use it, it's absolute back-breaking work.

We got a nice one that's um it's got like an extra handle on the side to make it more I guess comfortable but it's been pretty solid. I do want to get some sort of like they have what is it called there is some sort of I don't know if it's a snow thrower but there's some sort of little machine that I would like to get for my for my alley because we get snowed in a lot in the back alley to where we can't

Oh, it's like a lawnmower thing where it like, you push it forward and the snow comes out the side, right?

Uh, I believe so. Yeah. Yeah, they have those. Those are like mini lots.

Yeah, little residential snowblowers. But the key is to have the snow come out the side. Because if it just shoots the snow in front, it's a useless tool for most activities. But if it shoots the snow out the side, that's exactly where you want to be.

It's a cordless snowblower, 20-inch brushless electric snowblower, directional plate, so you can choose where it shoots. That's even better. That's even better.

You guys used to be 26, and look at you now, huh?

Now we're choosing where the snow shoots.

Yeah, me too. I'm shoveling snow too.

Where does the time go?

I guess if you make it to Maine, this is all gonna be like, you know, knowledge that you're gonna be begging us for.

That's really true. You're right. You're right. You're right. I shouldn't tease. I shouldn't tease.

You're going to have hung up in your kitchen, you'll have an array of oyster gloves. Yeah. It's going to be quite the life, Erin.

I'm going to be mostly shucking up there.

You did say shucking, right?

I don't remember.

If I lived in rural Maine, though, and it was like we got like 14 inches of snow, I'd be like, I'm not shuffling. I didn't want to leave in the first place. That's why I'm in Maine.

I'm in Maine to not- Yeah, that's why I'm in rural Maine. Yeah.

I'm in Maine to sit by a fire all day.

Yeah, I'm just going to do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I also don't think I'll be there for so long in the winter. So it'd be like, I guess I'm traveling four times tops. Yeah, I'm living easy, man.

I guess so. Also, I've definitely had days where I look outside and I'm like, I don't know if I can really shovel right now. So I just toss a ton of sidewalk salt, which isn't the same as shoveling. That's more for ice, but it makes little holes.

It's doing something.

It's doing something. You feel like a sucker also at the beginning of the season when you shovel, because I'm looking at my weather app and I'm like, it's going to be 50 degrees in two days. Can we as a society just agree to not use the sidewalk for two days? No, unfortunately we can't. Kids have to go to school and shit like that.

I'd like to see a scene, if you don't mind. JPC, you have a new snowblower and it is designed to blow all the snow in your neighbor's yard and Adal, you are that neighbor.

Hey, morning neighbor.

Oh, there he is. There's the man.

Yeah, just setting up the new... It probably came out because you saw the new snow blower.

Yeah, that is a beaut. What is that, a 57? This is a 57.

Yeah, you have a discerning eye.

Cherry red, you got the whitewall tires.

It's customized. It's a little customized though, obviously. Gorge. Gorge, Tony. I'm sure you can see my PVC pipe device.

Pretty good, pretty good. The one thing I'm not loving is that you sort of walled me in. My son was out here making a little snowman. Oh, was that your son? And now he's walled in like he is a medieval king. I think I have 20 minutes left of air.

I got the Fortnite package on this thing. So it's got, it's got a system that kind of just builds walls out of the snow. Really one touch, one button press. It's actually, it's actually... Not a problem for me.

That is pretty sweet. It's pretty sweet.

I'm trying to stay calm, but I know it's only 20 minutes left of air, so I'm really breathing kind of heavy.

Okay, Ricky, we're getting to it. 20 minutes, by the way.

That's also a lot of air. Kids don't do anything for 20 minutes nowadays, you know what I'm saying? Sleep, I guess.

I guess it was like 20 minutes, but it started kind of like six minutes ago.

Ricky, we got it.

Okay.

The adults are talking.

Okay.

So anyway, I tried to kick the wall down. I know.

And it was packed pretty tight. Yeah. I know. You want to use it. You want to give it a try. Why don't I do this, Ed? Why don't I do this? I'm already up here. I'll just blow your driveway for you, man. It's no problem.

Honestly, that would really smooth things over.

I can add a couple walls to the fort here. Maybe a couple of roofs.

Starting to feel a little lightheaded.

Ricky, we're bargaining, we're haggling.

Should I pray? Should I pray?

We don't believe in God.

Okay.

Oh, that definitely couldn't hurt. See?

Oh yeah, what is that, Pascal's Wager? It's not like you're double dippin'.

Pascal's Wager where you're... You might as well just pray to God once at least or something.

There's a dead God in a box and whether or not you open the lid of the box. Schrödinger's God. Yeah.

Guys, you know what we should do? We've never tried it before. We haven't revealed who Old Man Puzzles is yet. We should all say we're Old Man Puzzles so no one can catch us and we don't have to do riddles. We go like, I'm Old Man Puzzles. We Spartacus it. Have we ever tried doing that?

I have a question for you. I don't think so.

Yep.

We're getting to the end of 2025. We're going into 2026. It's going to be our 19th year of this podcast.

As we go on, we remember all the times we spent together.

The last couple of episodes, you've been kind of angling for the dropping the riddles thing, dropping the riddles thing, dropping the riddles thing. Have I? It's been a few in a row. Okay. I just want to know, do you have an idea for what else you think that you want the show to be?

What, to be part of a team you have to have a good idea if you don't like the current idea? What, you have to have a pitch if you're going to be a naysayer?

Yeah, like with me and healthcare.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, like me and with every, like, institution that I have to interact with in my daily life, yeah. No, you know, yeah, that's an unfair, that's an unfair standard to put on you, Erin. You don't have to have a pitch. I was just kind of wondering, it's like one of those things where, like, you keep getting haircuts asking for someone to, like, notice the haircut. I didn't know if I, if you wanted me to notice it so that you could say your piece on it, you know?

Everyone gets haircuts so that someone notices the haircut. That felt loaded with judgment.

Erin, let me get you a soapbox and a microphone here.

Thank you so much.

Well, yeah, go ahead and... Slips on the soapbox.

Right in the teeth.

Microphone right in the teeth.

JPC, what if we keep doing riddles, but like, Hey Riddle Riddle seems too positive a title for our show.

Yeah.

Given how often we are not crazy about riddles. What if we switch to something that Adal pitched in our pilot, stuck in the riddle with you?

Okay, so how would Stuck in the Riddle with you be different or would it be different?

It is three originally Chicago improvisers doing puzzles, riddles, lateral thinking problems and using those riddles as a jumping off point to do scenes.

Okay, and this is also a good way to confuse and lose 30% of our audience.

Great.

In terms of not being able to find us.

And if they cared, they'd find a way back.

Can I have a pitch, and we just, we changed the name from Hey Riddle Riddle, but you're right, it's too positive on riddles, and we changed it to like a name that I think more reflects our feelings on riddles, Erin? Yeah. All right, here's my pitch for the name. So that's, it's like, it's kind of like, that's really how we feel. Spell it.

A-R-G-G-H-H-H-R-G-G-H-H-H-H-H-G-H-H-H.

And find us wherever you listen to podcasts.

We keep our same amount of reviews too, so people are like, how does this fucking show have 1,500 goddamn reviews?

No, I want to do Riddles a few more years, and then we'll pivot.

Okay. I think Kathy famously says, And I think Erin famously says, GBC? Oh, she got it! She helped me! God! That's probably more akin to what Kathy sounds like versus ACK.

Yeah, ACAP. I was looking at our ratings and we actually have 3,200. I said 1,500. We have double that. That's actually pretty cool.

How many of them are one star?

Erin, let's not dwell on how many of them are one-star.

How many of them are two-stars?

There are a few that are two-stars, which is always interesting to me. But the thing about the one-star ones are very few one-star reviews are, they're just ratings, they're not like written reviews. So very few, like sometimes people give us one-star and they don't leave any feedback. And I'm like, okay, fine, not for you. But the ones that leave feedback are the ones that are the funniest ones to me. But I don't give them any space on the show because I don't want to encourage people to leave one-star funny reviews.

What if we kind of did what 3DM does and we talk and do bits for 50 minutes and in the last 10 minutes we do two riddles?

I love it.

Okay.

We just, we reverse, we flip it and we just do, we just do only riddles in the last like 10 minutes. Okay, yeah, that's fun. That's at least fun to try one time and see how people like it.

3DM does and we record at Scott's house.

Okay.

That sounds fun.

Yeah, why not?

He's got a pool, right? That sounds pretty cool. Can we stay and be in the pool after or do we have to?

One time I looked so crazy I did a comedy bang bang and after there was a coyote right outside and I was like look a coyote but no one else saw it and so I looked kind of crazy. I was pretty embarrassed.

Was the coyote kind of laughing at the whole situation?

Yeah. The coyote also crushed it on comedy.

Was the coyote in the pool as well? Big sunglasses, white spot of sunscreen on the nose? Yeah, exactly.

Classic LA stuff.

Yeah. Classic coyote by the beach.

Complaining. So Adal, should we try this out today? Fifty minutes of just chatting and doing scenes, hanging out, and then we'll do some riddles.

JPC, it's almost your birthday. You make the call. Why? Don't put that evil on me.

All right, Casey, you make the call. Casey, you take the shot.

I don't want to be blamed for this. This isn't my episode. I'll happily be blamed for this if I'm Old Man Puzzle for this show.

Okay, Casey says cancel the show. All right. This has been freedom. Oh, brother. Uh, alright. Okay. I'm not Old Man Puzzles though.

This gives Old Man Puzzles... I'm not Old Man Puzzles. I'm not Old Man Puzzles. I'm not Old Man Puzzles. TPC do the thing.

Okay, and now it makes it seem like I am Old Man Puzzles when I say it, because I'm the last person to say it. Well, I'm not Old Man Puzzles. I mean, I'm truly not. Well, I'm not either. Neither is Adam. I'm truly not either.

Welcome to Who the Fuck is Old Man Puzzles? The three of us.

Okay, we can solve this. I was Old Man Puzzles last episode. That's just a matter of law. That's fact.

It feels like I was last episode.

Every episode we try and suss out who the host is, and if we figure it out in the last five minutes, we do a riddle. Yeah. Guys, we solved it. We did it.

I can be Old Man Puzzles, but we're going back to that orange book, and those were riddles that you guys absolutely hated, but it's the only thing on my desk. So if we have to, I can step in.

No, thank you, sir. Let me see. I have access to... Hold on. I have these 30-second mysteries that a listener gave me at a live show this year on our tour in Mystery Grahams. So we all have access to riddles.

And Erin, Mystery Grahams are sort of the Bernie Botts' Every Flavor Beans, but for graham crackers?

Some of these taste like pee.

Hey Erin, speaking of things tasting like pee, I don't think we ever got an on-mic review of it, but how did you like those birthday Dunkaroos? Did they taste like your childhood?

Oh my god. So good.

Wow.

Like, you have to get Dunkaroos.

I've had them.

I know, but just recently. Have you had them recently?

No, it's been a while.

Yeah. Like you guys are both dessert people. You like a sweet. I made, um, I used my Ninja Creamy with the Dunkaroos and made like a little ice cream, Dunkaroos ice cream with it. Unbelievable. I also turned one into a milkshake. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Turned one into a milkshake. Would you burn a wish on that?

They said you want to wish for more wishes or a billion dollars.

It sounds like what a witch says about like a monkey.

I turned one into a milkshake! I turned one into a milkshake! Yeah, well, they were like, do you want a world peace or do you want a dunkaroo milkshake? You just, you like break up the dunkaroos into little pieces and then you make, in your blender, you make a little milkshake and so there's like tiny little pieces of dunkaroos.

Oh, like a... It's almost like a Dairy Queen trademark.

Yeah, like a mix-in for like a DQ. So, but did you just try the Dunkaroos by themselves? Like, just have a Dunkaroo, dunk the cookie, eat the cream? Yeah. That? Yeah. And it was good? It was better than you remember?

And I had some last night. It was great. It's so good.

Wow.

I do think that the ratio is a little bit off. I think there could be more frosting. Of course.

Tradeflation.

Exactly. I was like, I just think that there needs to be a little bit more frosting for how many little

It's it's quite a little it's it's a tiny pocket if I remember.

Yeah, honestly, I'd say switch to that ratio. Yeah, other side is all frosting.

I only need like five of the cookies. Would Teddy Grahams be good to dip into a Dunkaroo? That would be incredible. And that's mixing your your mammals.

Yeah, I mean is that illegal? Oh that's suddenly illegal?

I feel like mommy's little advice is never mix your mammals. But I remember Teddy Grahams being very good.

If you're going to dunk a Teddy Graham in Dunkaroo sauce, then you're going to have to take one of those Dunkaroos and put it in honey. Because turnabout is fair play.

I don't know how good that would be, though.

Well, it doesn't matter. It's fair.

It's like Too Faced says. And I took my Ninja Creamy and I made Big League Chew ice cream, and I don't want to talk about it.

That sounds scary.

That gave me a stomach ache just hearing about it.

Gum ice cream sounds like the most stressful experience. Can you imagine like being on mushrooms and someone gives you gum ice cream and you're like, oh god.

I've seen bubblegum flavor ice cream at ice cream stores before and I'll be honest with you, I've never even asked for a free sample of that. I don't have any interest in fucking around with bubblegum flavored ice cream.

I also don't love cotton candy flavored ice cream, even though it's gorgeous.

It's too much. Oh, it's beautiful. In Greece, recently I had mastic ice cream, which is some of the best ice cream I've had. They add, I guess, mastic to it, which makes it like chewy and kind of stringy, and it is so freaking good.

And mastic is a type of dog, correct? It's like a big dog.

There's a bull mastic. Yeah, there's different types of mastic, but they're pretty large.

If the dog isn't harmed, then it's fine. But if the dog isn't harmed, then what part of the dog is the mastic that they're putting in the ice cream?

They turn it into a milkshake. And then into mastic. Give it a shot. With our Ninja Creamies, what would be a good candy add-in that's not the first 20 listed? Oh, I see what you mean. I remember growing up, Dairy Queen used to have nerd blizzards, and I absolutely adored them. Then they stopped making them. But if you take nerds to Dairy Queen, they will turn that into a blizzard for you.

Whoa, really?

Because my sister did that for me for my 35th birthday or something.

Like I can bring a bunch of leaves to Dairy Quint and you can be like, mix it in! Mix it in!

Nerd sleeves. They're not your hostages. They will refuse some requests.

I don't know why this was the first thing to pop into my brain, but Mike and Ikes, I feel like would be good.

That'd be fun.

That'd have some chewiness to it.

I wonder if they got too hard. There's some candy I wonder if it gets like cold, if that's sort of impenetrable.

A couple years ago, I had a friend made cookies for like a holiday party and I asked for the recipe and the recipe had Heath bits in them. And I'm like, Heath, Heath is like a toffee candy, but I'm like, I don't remember the last time I've had Heath, but the cookies were great. And so I bought some Heath and made it myself. And every time after I knew that it was Heath, every time I tasted it, I was like, I wish this wasn't involved in the cookie. I wish I had just, I wish I just left this. I'm not a toffee fan. I just don't, I don't like toffee.

Toffee's so good. I feel like a soft maple cookie would be good or snow caps.

You know what I always think I'm going to love because it's an intersection of two things I very much enjoy is like an espresso or coffee mix-in with like ice cream. I'm always like or back when I was drinking like an espresso martini I'm like yeah oh I'm gonna love this this is gonna be exactly my shit and every time I have it without fail I'm like I like them both separately I do not like them together it's just tastes that I don't need to be blended together.

I never mix my coffee addiction with my booze. Like, I love coffee so much in the morning that I think if I started having, like, alcoholic coffee flavor, I think it would turn me off in the morning. That would be sort of the end of the road.

It's like, I'm not going to put aioli on porno, you know? These are things I have to enjoy separately.

Do you, are there any, like, waffle-y, maple-y ice creams that you like?

Now, I'm not a big maple-y fan when it comes to ice cream, and by the same token, I don't like... My preference is never for, like, an Italian ice. I don't like that, like, flavor ice thing. Like, I like my ice cream or gelato to be, like, kind of just, like, chocolatey. Or I guess I like a fruity ice cream as long as it's not, like, an Italian ice. Like, I fuck around. If I'm getting a sundae or something, I'll put a scoop of strawberry in there for sure. But I don't want... I don't want... I would not just have a cone of strawberry ice cream. I would never do that.

Huh.

The strawberry has to be covered in whipped cream, chocolate, and crushed nuts.

I'm Old Man Puzzles, and can you believe I've made it this far?

Whoa. And I'm Old Man Puzzles. And I'll say the best ice cream I've had recently was in Vermont. They do maple creamies, which is like maple soft serve, and then they add in crunchy maple bits. And it's an embarrassment of riches.

I mean, at the end of the day, who are we kidding? This episode's coming out in December. Nobody's listened to it. Nobody listens to podcasts in the last month of the year. It is 100% proven. And by that, I mean, we do have the data on it. It is a steep drop off in what people are listening to at this part of the year.

Oh, you know what's a really good ice cream flavor? Oh, what? If you add in like a sold-out theater show, a snowball, and a suitcase. This is a riddle.

He's giving us a goddamn riddle.

I'm old man puzzles. This is a 30-second mystery. A man with a desk job habitually responds to emergencies. He provides his own uniform and performs these civic deeds entirely on a volunteer basis.

Read a riddle.

GBC, read a riddle. GBC. He's Superman?

He is Superman. GBC, read a riddle. Is it really? Yeah. GBC, read a riddle. GBC, read a riddle.

I just got a text from my wife and it says, OMFG Spaghetti just yakked on my rug.

That's not a riddle.

It's a thick pile rug too. It's not the kind of rug you want to keep dog yak up off of.

I'm gonna say she got into the pumpkin pie.

I'm gonna say Superman.

Yeah, it was super bad. The answer was super bad or whatever.

Or whatever. JPC, now you read your riddle.

I was looking at these earlier. You guys aren't going to like this. I'll read it.

Read one.

Okay. Four letters for bulletin board fastener. Five letters for operate a vehicle. Three letters for blank and piece. Tack, gas, war. You got war. And five letters for grass color.

Green. Yup. Gas, green.

It's not gas. It's four letters for bulletin board fastener. Tack. Not tack. Push.

Nail.

You guys wanted me to read this. I told you I didn't want to read this.

Well, now we're invested.

Yeah, well now we care so, so much.

War?

You said TAC, right, Adal?

Yeah, like a- Alright, so you got TAC, War, and Green.

Oh, that is right? Yes. Okay. Did anyone get Operate a Vehicle 5 for Operate a Vehicle? Drive? Drive.

Okay, great.

Now take the first letter of the first one, the middle letter of the second one, the middle letter of the third one, and the middle or the last letter of the last one.

T-A-A-N? Tan? It should be... T-A-A-N? No.

Interesting. It wants you to do a five letter word, but it's really only asking for four, it's only giving you four letters. So are you just, you have to add your own for the fifth letter? This riddle book is fucking confusing. Is that from the orange book? It's from the orange book. Yeah. Uh, and also it's telling me that one of the grass colors, the grass color is green and it says, give, take the last letter of that, which is N, but N is not in the solution.

So maybe I've heard rumor that in like the 50s and 60s they made riddle books to drive women insane.

Is this one of those things? Is this one of those books?

I guess so. It's kind of driving me insane. I don't understand what it's asking for. The answer is thumb.

Excuse me? Oh, like a thumb tack?

Oh, oh, oh. No, because tack is just the first one. Excuse me? Tack, drive, war, and green? Oh, are these... Oh, these are all things... Oh, I'm sorry. It's not asking for letters. These are all just things that have to do with thumb. Thumb war.

Green thumb. Thumb war. Thumb drive. Thumb drive.

Adam, can you admit your old man puzzles now and fix this? Green thumb. Adam, can you fix this, please? Thumb tack.

Erin, no, it's okay. It's written very confusing. It looks like there's a diagram where arrows are coming from certain letters to form a word, but it's all words that have to do with thumb. Okay, I get it.

I like that. Not that I know what it is. I am old man puzzles.

How about that?

Rips off mask, realizes it's just my beard. I'm not wearing a mask.

Covered in blood. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Actually came off pretty clean. We're going to do some trios to warm up. A sold-out theater, a snowball, and a suitcase all have something in common. What do those three things have in common? A sold-out theater show, a snowball, and a suitcase. It's packed. They're all packed. Wow, I do want to see a scene. I can't believe I got it. You got that fast. I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a performer in a sold out theater show. And Erin, you are someone in the audience who can't believe just how many people are at this show vocally.

And I'm on stage?

You're on stage performing.

All right, everybody. I know my jokes aren't really landing, but Shane Gillis isn't ready yet. So I have to keep going. Oh, I don't do crowd work either.

I'm just trying to get to my seat. It's right in the middle of the row and everyone's not really moving their legs. My seat's right there in the middle.

I just, I don't have any material for this, so I just have to keep doing my act. I guess I'll just say, could everyone move to let that person into their seat?

I'm seat 18, so I'm right there in the middle.

Does she have a mic? How is she louder than me? I'm E12, does that help? E12.

Oh no.

Okay.

Are you Daphne?

I am.

Are you Sarah's cousin?

Shane Gillis just started another Marvel Snap, so I have to keep going a little longer, actually.

Oh my god, Greg?

Yes, hey! Hi!

How are you? I didn't know you liked stand-up comedy. Um, well, we got free tickets through the company.

If you, if, um... Oh, you ever be given a blowjob and the dick smell nasty? Oh, did I already do this one?

Should I go to the bathroom while this guy does his... I really want to see Shane.

Yeah, I'd wait for Shane.

I like that he says stuff that's right on the edge.

And he didn't do Riyadh.

Can anyone relate to the thing I said about You give a bull jump and the dick smells nasty. Me? Not specifically you, sir, but if you, I mean, you, yes, do you? Has it ever happened to you at all or?

Oh, you know what? I'm, I'm D18. Goodness gracious. I just made all these people move their legs for nothing. Hold on.

I'm, I'm, I'm D, I'm D18. I'm dating a woman who hates my guts because they don't wash my dick.

You guys know what I'm just thinking about?

I'm trying to reverse engineer the joke and it's just like not working at all.

Do you guys ever give a blowjob and the dick smells nasty?

Y'all, you ever go to a stand-up comedy show and then you go in the wrong row and then you feel embarrassed? If theaters had the ability to just raise a microphone at any seat, I think the world would be a worse off place.

Oh, for sure. Certainly, certainly, certainly.

These three things have something in common. Milton Bradley Games, The Wizard of Oz, a list of 1996's top grossing films.

1996?

Yep. Milton Bradley Games, The Wizard of Oz, a list of 1996's top grossing films.

What do we know about 96, Erin? Armageddon. Deep Impact.

Jurassic Park was before that, right?

Maybe 97 or 94? You know what? I'll never be able to know what your 1996 film is. Is it, Adal, does this have to do with the title of a big hit movie from 1996? Oh yeah. Okay, so they all feature Jerry Maguire's.

Was Jerry Maguire in The Wizard of Oz? It was a little man in The Wizard of Oz, and there was a little man in Jerry Maguire.

What is something, is there something in The Wizard of Oz?

Yes, and I meant Jonathan Lipnicki. I didn't mean Tom Cruise who's 5'4". I'm not shaming the short kings out there. I meant Jonathan Lipnicki.

Tornado, Twister.

Erin, it's Twisters.

Because it's Twister the game.

Milton Bradley has Twister the game. Obviously Tornado or Twister in Wizard of Oz and then Twister was one of the top grossing films of 1996.

I would like to see a quick scene. You guys are playing a game of Twister. It's like A week into a family vacation, intentions are running really high already. And I'll be the one reading the Twister instructions. Okay, right hand red. Right hand red and just make sure you don't fall.

Before we play, can we like dry off? Because we just got out of the lake.

I feel like this is like... I got to pick, you said I got to pick the next activity, and the next activity wasn't drying off.

Soaking wet playing Twister with my brother. Okay, right hand red. I've got one right here. Okay, yeah, easy. Separate sides of the board. Right hand red.

Okay. Left leg. Not even foot, because I'm acting crazy. Blue.

Well, that's not going to work. Grandpa's gonna be doing the splits here. What are we doing?

Guess you're gonna have to, I don't know, make it work?

What the fuck?

Guess you're gonna have to go ahead and make it work?

And Grandpa's definitely playing. He's not talking.

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Grandpa.

Well, he is sprawled out. I think he's sleeping. His right hand is on red and his leg is on blue, so... Are you just saying the things that Grandpa's already doing?

Uh, I write, uh, where is, uh... You can call 911. I'm an EMT. I'm here to help.

Where do I put my hand? What?

What is the instruction? I'm an EMT. I'm an EMT. I've just come in here. You just got... You call 911.

Okay, you have to put your hand on red and your left leg on blue.

Guys, I do not have time to... That's way too hard. That's what we're saying.

That's what we're saying. That's what we're saying. That's impossible. From red to blue? We're stuck. Let me try. Two moves and we're stuck. Oh! Oh, my back!

You're 911. Call an EMT. He's right on top of Grandpa. We're gonna have an EMT sandwich.

Same. Same.

Perfect. Hey guys, perfect.

Perfect. No notes.

Should we go on a break? Let's take a little break to celebrate. Okay.

Psst. Adult JBC. Yeah.

My money is just disappearing every month. I don't know where it goes. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's subscriptions that I've done. I don't know. I don't know. Where's it going?

Where's it going? You've signed up for a lot of stuff that you didn't keep up with. Erin, you should get Rocket Money. And honestly, that's not a secret. I don't have to say that in a hushed voice. I'm loud and proud about Rocket Money. Go get Rocket Money.

Yeah, Erin. So Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

If you've got a goal you'd like to save for, Rocket Money can analyze your accounts and find the best time each month to put extra money aside. I'm doing that right now for a down payment if something I want to get, and it's amazing, and they send me little notifications every time they do it. Incredibly helpful.

And Rocket Money has saved users over $2.5 billion, Erin, including over $880 million in Kinsel subscriptions alone. Their 10 million members save up to $740 a year When they use all the app's premium features. Erin, $740 a year. That's enough to buy yourself like, I don't know, like a big wooden hat or something.

And Erin, I know that you told me in private, and so don't mention it on the show, that you sometimes feel weird about calling up companies directly to negotiate your bills because of the names of the company and you don't want to say them out loud because it kind of shows what it is that you like and what you buy. But Rocket Money will try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bill to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to.

Erin, you're giving $3 a month to Fartwater?

Yes. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash riddle today. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E.

Fartwater. H-O-O-D-E-R.

No. I mean, yes, but also no.

Adal, Erin, oh I've got a problem. Oh, what's wrong?

How can we help?

Literally, literally, hundreds of cousins.

Huh. Okay.

I don't know what I'm going to get these cousins of mine. Okay, sounds like a positive nod. Oh, oh, for any family member, any friend, truly anyone in your life. Huh? JBC, Aura Frames.

Yeah, you gotta go Aura Frames.

Oh, Aura Frames. Something that all of my literally hundreds of cousins can agree on.

GPC, it's easy peasy. Upload unlimited photos and videos. Just download the Aura app and connect to Wi-Fi. And then all of the photos and videos just stream on the frame. And the quality is incredible. They're gonna freak for it. Cousins love it.

And here's a special little sprinkle of special salt you can put on the gift. You can preload photos before it ships, JPC. Meaning, you can take a photo of you and each one of your literally hundreds of cousins and introduce that into the frame so that when they open it and set it up, that'll pop up for them.

Plus, you can personalize your gift by adding a message before it arrives. You can say, Dear Cousin, and then you can just type any three-digit number, and it's going to be one of your literally hundreds of cousins.

JPC, you have literally hundreds of cousins.

Yes.

And gift wrapping would be a nightmare for that.

Yes.

So the gift box is included. Every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tags. So you don't have to worry about it.

I love Aura frames. I've given them to all of the family members that I love more than my cousins already. So now it's time to start working through my literally Hundreds of cousins, and for a limited time, you can save on the perfect gift by visiting OraFrames.com to get $35 off Ora's best-selling carbon matte frames, named No. 1 by Wirecutter, by using promo code RIDDLE at checkout. That's A-U-R-A, frames.com, promo code RIDDLE. This deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast, so order yours now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

Cousins.

Cousins.

Literally hundreds of cousins.

Knock, knock, knock. Hey, small business owners.

Oh, we were closed, but come on in.

Hey, let's talk about how found can help wrangle your finances once and for all.

OK, are you robbing me or?

No, no, no, no. When was the last time you felt like you had your business finances totally under control?

Oh, never. Never had it. Never.

Exactly. Every expense categorized, every receipt tracked, every invoice sent. Oh, and you were prepared for tax season. You're both shaking your head no.

You've never experienced that.

Yeah, I'm right on time. I'm Mrs. Found.

Wait, I've heard about this. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices, and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky outdated apps. That's Found, right?

Yeah, I mean, I have a cape for this. My job's pretty easy, I just have to let people know how. Found as reimagining what business banking should be by putting your bookkeeping, invoicing, and tax tools directly into your business checking account.

Oh yeah, they automated things like tracking expenses, finding write-offs, and budgeting for tax time. You can even send invoices for free and pay your contractors. Everything all from one app, right?

Well, the cape really does explain it all. I mean, I love Found. It makes paying contractors really easy, so whenever we hire someone for some of our great Hey Riddle Riddle merch that you can get in our merch store, it's a breeze to get our contractors paid and get great, high-quality art products to you guys.

Well, lady, I'm glad we Found you.

The Adal? That's good. In case that stays in.

Take control of your business today. Open a Found account for free at found.com. That's found, F-O-U-N-D.com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by LeadBank, member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who have already streamlined their finances with Found. Do you guys want to watch me run really fast with my cape on?

No, just leave the cape.

Whee! Here's the cape, and I will fold it. Nice for you.

It's funny, I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was. But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness, which means cornbread hemp's CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan. It's so funny, I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year, and I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was.

Oh, same girl same, but also JPC, your birthday's in December.

Okay, that makes sense.

Well JPC, someone left something under the tree called cornbread hemp CBD gummies. Have you heard of these? You seen these? Uh-huh, yes, I have. They're made to help you feel better whether it's stress, discomfort, the encroaching clock of aging.

Relaxation.

Relaxation. I use cornbread hemp CBD and GPC. Let me just say, toss one in my mouth, I chew it, I swallow it, and suddenly I'm at peace. And I'm old as hell.

All products are third-party lab tested in USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. So you can relax, relax.

Okay, you guys might be onto something with this cornbread hemp CBD, don't me. John Travolta?

John Travolta. CBD? That's awesome.

And right now, Hey Riddle Riddle listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com slash riddle and use code riddle at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com slash riddle and use code riddle.

Age is nothing but a number. The number of years I've been on earth.

Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.

I feel okay.

I feel okay.

Erin and JPC.

Yes.

Happy belated birthday, Erin. Happy early birthday, JPC. Thank you.

Thank you.

John C. Reilly is dead. Yep. But I did find some full-on- Schrodinger's John C. Reilly. What was it?

Schrodinger's John C. Reilly.

Yeah, if he stays in that cake- We'll never know.

And we'll never know.

Dr. Steve Bruhl. I have some full-on riddles here, if we're ready for those.

I'm so excited. See? Better attitude this time.

My wife is still texting me about the dog yak and the carpet. All cats. Disgusting.

It's like she doesn't take your job seriously. It kind of feels like she thinks this place is one big joke and that we can just be talking about dog throw-up all day.

It's so funny for her to say, she's saying the same thing in like every way. It's like a rhyme, not rhyming dictionary, a thesaurus for like the feeling of disgust. So fucking gross. I saw it happen.

Oh no. Are there any other jobs where if you're in the middle of the job you can just go, oh my wife sent me a text, the dog threw up, and then just kind of riff on that for five minutes?

Yeah, are you doing that? GBC, I want you to pick, I want to see a scene, but you get to pick the job that you've decided to say that your wife texted you the dog threw up. And it's a different, very different job than that.

I think you guys have not worked a real job in far too long, but literally every job I've ever had, yes, you would be able to do this.

Alright, I want to see a scene. Pick the one place that maybe it's not a good idea.

Okay. And as you can see, um, my client suffered multiple stab wounds. Um, and I know that for the jury, this is going to be hard to see. Um, but I want to draw your attention to exhibit C. Your honor objection showing evidence. Hold on, hold on your honor. My, um, my wife just texted me. Oh, apparently the dog yacked at home. Oh boy.

Wait, why is the picture up instead of the evidence? Why are you showing the picture?

It's connected. I'm streaming from my phone, so since my wife sent the picture, so it's going... Ah, guilty.

Guilty. Yeah. Jury says guilty. We want this to be over and done with.

What's her name? That's good for me, right? The victim or my wife? Or my dog? The dog. Bob, bold of you to assume it's a her.

Scene.

Missed trial.

Missed trial.

That's her name. Yeah.

Oh, brother.

Oh, brother. Here, let's get into some riddles. I get smaller every time I take a bath. What am I? Towel.

Something that shrinks every time it gets wet.

I get smaller every time I take a bath. Penis? Genitals? Genitals. Genitalia. A penis.

A peni. A penis.

I get smaller every time I take a bath.

Mm-hmm. I'll be honest. I've never used a bar of soap in the bath, but for me what a bath well Yeah, a bath is not like about like cleaning like I clean in the shower to me a bath is about relaxing Sure, but you're not doing soap stuff.

You're not like washing your hair when you take a bath

Washing my hair while I take a bath? No, but here's the thing, Erin. I take a bath and I have tons of soap in there, but it'll be like bath salts or like bubble soap and like that kind of thing. But without fail... But that's not antibacterial.

What's that? Don't you need to wipe down with soap after you take your bath?

Yeah, I go take a shower.

After your bath?

Yeah.

Okay.

When I take a bath, I'm like sweating in there. It's like I need to like cool down and then take a shower and like actually clean myself. Because to me a bath is like not a clean thing. You're like soaking in all of your juices. Like it's... You're sous-viding yourself. Yeah, exactly. You're like making a J.P. Soup, you know, in there. J.P. Soup!

You're not cleaning yourself. Oh, I wish I could say awesome stuff like J.P. Soup.

JPC, do you mind listing the ingredients for, in case anybody at home wants to make their own J.P. Soup?

Oh, that's such a good idea. Yeah, let's see. Chopped cum. Oh, bail, bail, bail, bail, bail.

Yes, it was a bar soap gets smaller every time you take a bath.

Cousin Mirapois.

Do you guys remember the commercials? I think it was Irish Spring where somebody's holding a bar of soap and they take a knife and like cut through it.

Oh yeah, I didn't remember that until you said it though.

It really gave me a weird like romanticizing of whittling soap where sometimes I'd see a bar of soap and just want to like cut into it.

Well now that's like an ASMR thing on the internet is you can watch people carving like crystal soap. Wow. I'm going to send you some links. Yeah, please. Don't click them. They're going to ruin your computer.

Are there like ASMR things on the internet that you use or that work for you?

Oh baby, yeah. Oh, big time, yes. I'm a huge ASMR fan. My sister Kathleen was really ahead of the game. Like she was watching stuff when YouTube came out. She's like, there's videos of people sort of like pretending to brush your hair. And I was like, okay, crazy. And then I watched it and I love it.

Pretending to brush your hair?

Yeah, they're like, hi, do you have a second? This is my impression. Okay. The ASMR. And Erin?

You just brought back the listeners with what you're about to do. People are, the internet is going nuts.

They're turning it off because they're like too many mouth sounds. Okay. Hi, um, do you have a second? I would love to just brush your hair and braid it. Would that be okay? Awesome. Wow, your hair is so pretty. Are you having fun in this English class that we're in? Did you do the homework last night?

Oh no.

Okay, I want to do it.

Yeah, me neither.

Wait, it got so specific. It got so specific. Shouldn't it be, is the ASMR immersing you in a world where now you're in an English class?

Yeah, they'll immerse you in any world. It'll be like, hey, I'm your mermaid sister. Can I do your makeup? Are you, am I having, do we have a different internet? You know what I'm talking about, where they're like, hi, I'm a mermaid, do you want me to sort of touch your face?

Erin, I'd like to try one out. Yeah, please. Oh hey, don't move. Oh, real quick. Oh, let me brush your hair. Don't move. Okay, I got it. I got it. Didn't want to freak you out. There's a big spider in there. Oh, it'll lay eggs. One second.

Adal, you're bad at this. It'll lay eggs. Adal, you're bad at this.

Okay, one, one in your ear.

It's okay. Adal, this is not relaxing at all.

I'm going to grab it. Adal. Be as still as possible. I'm going to grab the spider out of your ear. You're bad at this. In English class.

I think, Erin, I think I got it. And I think... Okay, okay. So, and you were saying what Adal was doing was not it?

Yeah, because it's not relaxed. No one wants spiders in their ears.

Got it.

I just wanted a story, I guess. Got it.

Right, right, right.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll give it a college try.

Hey, it's me. I'm your mermaid sister. I'm just going to comb your hair while I talk about the history of our people. One thousand years ago, King Murgon the Great fought in an ancient battle over the seven mermaid spears that were a collection from Diazogag, the dragon lord of all mermaids, from which our people spawn. The fish scales that happen on our tails Today we're

Okay, new JBC guided meditation, mermaid ASMR, dropping sometime early next year, make it happen boys.

I think, I'm so fascinated by that, but the mermaid sister ASMR, I would love it if it's, they're just brushing your hair, it's a 15 minute video, they're brushing your hair the whole time in that minute, like 14, you know, 14.50, they're like, By the way, we're mermaid sisters. And that's it. It's just at the very end they throw in some extra information.

Or just make it so stressful like real sisters that you're like, I love your hair. Is that my shirt? I haven't even worn it yet. It still had the tag on it. Christine, I bought it for an event. Mom!

Combing someone's hair. ASMR. How am I even supposed to comb this fucking rat's nest of hair? Bitch, have you ever washed your hair? It's all split ends. How is it split ends on both ends? Mom likes me more.

Bitch, you look like shit. You'll never be a mermaid.

Our hair is literally in the water all day. How is your hair so fucking coarse?

You guys, GBC, I'm serious. Come on. That's what I want for my birthday. I want mermaid ASMR.

I've never been big on ASMR on internet videos, but the other day, I may even talk about this on another episode, but I was doing something that involved me researching how to do a function on spreadsheets on Google Sheets, and I was watching someone's Google Sheet video and just kind of listening to it as I was fucking around on Google Sheets. And after I got the thing that I wanted out of it, I continued and let the rest of like the 15 minute video play because I was like, their voice is so pleasant. I'm no longer listening to the instructions that they're doing on how to build a Google Sheet, but they have such a pleasant voice.

TBC, you do like ASMR. You just like like super nerdy people getting their life together ASMR.

Spreadsheet ASMR.

Here's how you balance a checkbook.

Yeah, so if you just copy cell C7 through H8, and then go to the function command, and type in function, parenthesis, exclamation point.

If your carburetor is making a clicking sound, you're going to want to get out of the car. Dad ASMR!

Dad ASMR!

Now we're going to grill today, smoke a full turkey, get our gas going.

Now we're going to go have a little bit of a rage meltdown inside of a Home Depot because we bought the wrong malt and they won't let us return it.

Dad ASMR. Okay, here's my Dad ASMR.

Okay, I'm ready.

Okay, now you're going to want to tell your wife that you forgot bread so you have to go to the grocery store to get bread. You're going to walk out of the back door Go to the car, open the garage door, shut the garage door, but then sneak back around through the back gate, go down the back steps, and go to the basement bathroom. Now you're going to have 40 minutes to take a shit in however you want to do it. Take your time, read a book, hum a tune. She's never going to come down here because the washing machine is on, so you know you have 38 minutes before anybody bothers you. You don't even have to get bread.

Take a shit however you want.

Nothing like the sounds of weaponized incompetence to soothe you to sleep.

Here's my dad ASMR.

I'm ready.

The goddamn Blue Jays need to get their shit together. Bichette was out for too many games. Vlad Guerrero lost his power hitting right when the series started. Kirk was a great pickup at catcher, but with the Dodgers salary cap, being able to afford basically any player they want, it's not even a fair game anymore. Stop pitching to Otani, just walk him. We'll deal with Mookie Betts when we get to him.

Hey Adal, I have a question for you.

Damn it all to hell. Who left the lights on? Who keeps leaving these fucking lights on?

Are we heating the goddamn neighborhood? Did someone buy stock in the electric?

Are we heating the goddamn neighborhood?

Were you raised in a barn? Did your mom tell you that?

Adal, I have a question for you. You're a baseball guy. I've looked into none of this. But I was shocked this year because on a previous episode I had asked you if the Dodgers were just the best. And you were like, yeah, they're the best. But then I saw that the World Series went to Game 7 against the Blue Jays, which is a team that's not even from America, I believe.

That's my conspiracy theory, though.

How did that happen?

JPC is that they want to make more money, so they try to make it go as many games as possible. It's a conspiracy.

It has to be, right? Every year for the World Series, they need two teams. Yeah. So while the Dodgers are the best team, they had to play against someone. There has to be someone.

There has to be someone. I want a baseball team to be so good that they're the only ones that make it to the end and it's just them sort of standing on the field and people being like, woo!

Woo!

You did it!

Yeah. Your baseball team, it won so many of those like those games where they play like one game in Germany every year just as a what's-the-fuck, but they won so many of those that now they are going up against themselves in the World Series.

I love the term just as a what the fuck. I think the real answer as far as I know, and I'm more of a basketball guy than a baseball guy, but I think with baseball, it's hard to be, if you're a star in baseball, it's hard to be consistently incredible, except for your Otanis, your Aaron Judges. But I think sometimes batters just disappear for three or four games, and a lot of that has to do with the math of pitching. Like right hand versus left hand or what type of pitch they throw at you. So it's a lot of math where it's like in basketball Giannis Antetokounmpo can put up 47 against any team at any time he wants, but in baseball I think it's a lot more. It's a slower game that involves a lot of math.

I, the thing that I, the only thing that I know about sports nowadays is that sports betting is such a big thing now that like the players are sports betting on themselves for like weird bets and getting caught doing it. I mean, if I was playing sports, I would be betting for sure. I would be doing that shit every fucking game. I mean, it's like, it's right there for you.

Well to me it's insane of like Ohtani kind of got caught betting. He threw his translator under the bus and everything's fine now. But it is like you're getting paid like 500 billion over eight years. Whatever you're betting, what are we doing? It's not worth the squeezes.

It's the thrill on the thrill, right? Because the betting is an addiction, right? And it's not like you're not betting to make money, you're betting to pay

It's not an addiction if I'm smart enough to hack it, JPC.

What if we started betting on each episode whether or not we'll get the riddles?

What if we did betting on over and under how many riddles there would be in an episode? Because the over and under would be like under three, 100% guarantee. It's gonna be under three.

It's okay. We have a back catalog of so many riddle episodes. People get mad when we do too many riddles in an episode. We're all okay. We're just trying to have fun, everybody.

I'm going to go on FanDuel and see if I can set up some Hey Riddle Riddle prop bets.

How many times is Erin going to say, um, or ah, or okay?

How many lip smacks or tongue clicks is Adal going to do? A train pulls into a station, but none of the waiting passengers move. Why?

Because they're all mannequins.

Erin, you're not- I was gonna say model train. You got it.

It's a model train set. I do want to see a scene. I love model trains. I love model trains.

They're so fun. Do you really? I do. We went to a restaurant recently that had a model train that ran through the restaurant. And by the way, big hit with the kid. Kids love that shit. Oh, cool.

Is it one of those that delivers the food?

It doesn't deliver the food. It just is a train that goes through the restaurant. But every kid in that restaurant was just up out of their chairs, walking to the restaurant, GBC, how likely are you to be a guy that has like model trains running through his basement? I would say incredibly unlikely because I don't have stuff. I did this thing this weekend where I opened up all the drawers in my kitchen and took everything out of the drawers and then got rid of the stuff that I'm like, what is this? I never use this to make more space for things. So there's a zero chance that I'm going to be like, let's have a model train running through here that I have to store for seven months of the year.

If I bought you a little conductor's hat, would you wear that? Of course. I do want to see a scene. Erin, you're like a younger kid, we'll say, at a restaurant with one of these little trains that JPC is talking about. JPC, you are a tiny, tiny little conductor who's in that little tiny train, and you've stopped the train to talk to the kid. To talk to the kid? To talk to Erin, yep. Gotcha.

Whoa, the train has enough momentum to go uphill. So sick.

Sweetie, finish your meal.

Ah.

Oh, don't like your meal. Is that what I'm seeing?

Wait, who said that? Where's that phone? Whoa!

Down here. It's the conductor of the train.

Wow! Sir, I love your little train.

What's going on with the meal?

My mom made me order broccoli on the side instead of french fries.

Well, yeah, but there's still mashed potatoes on the plate.

Yeah, but they're not salty and crispy like french fries.

Add a little salt.

She says I'm too picky of an eater. But you totally get it, right? I don't need to have mashed potatoes. I'm gonna be big and strong no matter what.

You know what they feed us back in the hole that the train goes through? Oh, I- Gruel. Have you ever had fucking gruel?

What the?

If you ate gruel like I did, smile, smile, smile. Way to drop off some waters.

Here you go, just top you off. Everything okay?

Yeah, it's delicious.

Kids don't answer that question. You're acting weird. Kids don't say, yeah, it's delicious.

Honey, that's weird. Are you feeling okay? Let me feel the back of your... Yeah, I'm okay.

It's just all this broccoli is kind of hurting my tummy. I'm just going to lean over here for a second.

Sure.

You work at a restaurant.

Why aren't you just eating- I work at a little train. Why don't you shut that mouth of yours and if you're not gonna eat that broccoli, put a little on the train.

My mom's gonna yell at me if I put- she wants me to eat the broccoli.

Sneak it, dumbass. Don't make it obvious. Put broccoli with a little mashed potatoes and hell, some gravy if you could spare it on the train. I got mouths to feed.

There he is. That's the man who stole my train.

Oh boy, this is bullshit.

Thief? You thief?

They got us cooking pancakes in the back and we can't even sniff the motherfucker.

Bite, bite, bite.

Local Applebee's closed again after a bloodbath happened this weekend. We're gonna go to JBC live in the scene, JBC.

I love that it's an Applebee's that just decided to run a model train. They need to drum up the business.

Yeah. Why don't we drum up some listener voicemails?

Oh, okay.

Casey, will you hit us with a theme?

This fall, Hey Riddle Riddle is live. Travel across the Riddleverse as Erin goes on a road trip, JPC takes the train, and Adal is late because he flew standby. Tickets on sale now at heyriddleriddle.com slash live.

Whoa. How did they know you were doing a scene about a train?

Wow. I guess I talk about trains way too much. Maybe I will have to have model trains in my basement.

This is a wake up call. That was sick.

I love that voicemail theme because it said it was topical and I saw it, but it was like after we had already done our tour, but I was still like, we should still play it. It's still, But, if you go to our Patreon, patreon.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com

Nope, I have called multiple times. I was drunk. I'm so sorry for the drunk dialing, JPC. Very, very sorry. Anyway, I am listening to backlogs of the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon, and I was just wondering, I just got three chickens, and I'm wondering what you think I should name them. Their personalities are, one's kind of stupid, one's kind of troublemaker, and one is kind of bossy. Alright, well, thank you.

Okay, are we the chickens?

No, name them all JPC. Stupid, bossy, and troublemaker, right? That's three JPCs. You're dumbass bought three JPC chickens.

That's your sun, moon, and rising. First of all, I just want to say, definitely keep drunk calling us. I think that we're going to save lives here. Don't drunk call your exes. Don't drunk call your family and get into a fight with them. If you have the impulse to drunk call someone, call, leave us a voicemail. No judgment from us. Say whatever you got to say, but to us.

I wonder what the sensation, the feeling is to wake up, hug over and be like, oh no, did I, did I call a podcast? Like, that must be a interesting feeling.

My favorite thing about the people that call us when they're drunk is no drunk person has ever kept it to under 30 seconds. So I have like the visual voicemail. So sometimes we'll get voicemails that'll be two minutes and I'll be like, that I'm not even, not even gonna attempt to listen to. That's a delete. That's just an instant delete.

Um, I have a pitch for the chicken names.

Okay.

Salt, lime, and tequila.

Ooh. Wow. Okay.

And name the dumb one tequila. So you can be like, tequila! Stop it!

I like that a lot. Oh, I like that a lot. This is tough because I don't know if you're... I assume they're keeping the chickens as... Sex chickens. Sex chickens?

I don't know what that means.

Versus if you're going to use them for meat or anything like that. Because then you don't want to name a duck Greg if you're going to eat it.

If they're using them for eggs though, would you say hen or would you still say chicken? Maybe these are chickens to be raised for slaughter. We don't know.

I doubt we'd be. We wouldn't be naming them.

People eat chickens. That's a good point. Do you name the chickens that you eat? And is there some, is there some respect in there? To be like, I will treat you like a, I'll treat you the proper way before, you know, you are to be my lunch.

You can name one of the chickens, Erin. I don't want to speak for the other guys, but if you want, I'll allow it.

You cannot name one JPC unless you name them all JPC. That's what I will say.

I think, I like the idea of going sort of the opposite direction as what you think you should name a chicken. So I'm going to say Winifred.

Oh.

Okay. Bernard. Okay. And Chauncey.

Chauncey.

Chauncey. Yeah. That's a troublemaker. Chauncey's the troublemaker for sure. Chauncey always has a knife or something.

Yeah. I have a question for the two of you. If you were a chicken and you were being raised for your meat, what is the most embarrassing thing that your meat could become? Nuggets. Frozen nuggets. But yeah, frozen nuggets. Not even like McDonald's nuggets.

Are the ultimate humiliation for chickens.

I think the bigger humiliation is if it's like one of those nuggets that's shaped like something, like a dino nugget.

You're like, come on, man.

It's not even shaped like me? Yeah.

Dude, I actually, I would rather be a nugget. If I was a chicken, my nightmare would be being a part of like a fitness guy's meal prep. Like, I'm not being seasoned. I'm just... Motherfucker.

Tell me I'm not in a plastic Tupperware with some white rice and steamed broccoli right now.

Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Look me in the eye and tell me I am not.

I died for this. JBC, any thoughts on names for the chickens?

I'm Anything to plug?

No. Oh, send us more voicemail themes, 30 seconds or less, and send us more voicemails, 30 seconds or less. All the contact information is in the episode description. Thank you, Katie. I'll also plug our Patreon. I'll also plug our other show, Gumshoes and Dragons, which also has a Patreon. This month, especially, on our Patreon, a little later in the month, we will be doing our year-end sound out-of-context clips bracket, which is... I don't care if other people like it. It's my favorite thing to do. I've been prepping a lot for it. Casey's been helping a ton on this year's, and God, it's so fun. So I can't wait to show that to everybody else. I'm literally so nervous for it. I've been dreading it all year. And you should be. And Erin, that's the correct response. You should be.

I've been living in fear. You've ruined my life.

Adal, anything to plug? Check out Holo from the Magic Tavern, another podcast I do, and these two have guested on frequently. And also I gotta say, yesterday I just saw Predator Badlands with Magic Tavern's Arnie Niekamp, and I went into it being like, I don't know much. I haven't seen many. I've only seen the first Predator and that was forever ago. I don't know what this is. And I had a goddamn blast. That movie is the best parts of Dune, Avatar, Star Wars, Alien, all mixed up into a little romp. Check out Predator Badlands, which might be streaming at this point. Erin, anything to plug or promote?

Um, yeah, this Christmas, I'm buying all my gifts secondhand. And I have a link in my Instagram bio, or you can find it on our newsletter, where I'm listing all of like the Christmas decorations and gifts that I'm getting people that are not going to be giving my money to any big companies. So if you want to join me in that, that's what I'm doing this Christmas. I'm also hunting JPC for sport this Christmas. It's a little gift to myself.

And it's sport for me too, I get a good exercise. I'll also say listen to our editor Casey Toney's other podcast, Gutter. You can get that wherever you find podcasts. Erin, I know that you're not trying to give money to any big corporations, but there is a certain, and it's quite big, it's not really a corporation, but it's definitely an established thing that you're giving money to this year, and what exactly is it?

The planet Jupiter. Can you believe it? I can.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing. Are there any parrots in the music?

Hey there, Halls and Marks. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We're improvising Hallmark Christmas movies. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zameda. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. Yeah. We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So the audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities.

Yes.

We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

I'm really sorry.

I felt the support. Okay, I was trying to be supportive, but I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.