Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Okay, JPC. Okay, little Erin. Get in bed. Get tucked in here. Time for your bedtime story. Separate beds, though, right? Um... Bunk beds!

Yeah, bunk beds. Hey, dibs on whatever Erin doesn't want.

Well, they'll be bunk beds, but the top one will be upside down. Just so you can kind of see each other. Yeah, just how I sleep. Okay, here we go. All right. Tucked in. I'll strap you up into the top bunk. Here we go. Here's your bedtime story. Open the book. All Riddles Are Bad by Adal Rifai. Once upon a time, there was a riddle.

That soothes me to sleep. Good night, everybody.

Well, the moral of the story is all riddles are bad. So go ahead and take your tight little asses to sleep. Will do. And ponder that. And while you're sleeping, remember, I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm JPZ. And I'm asleep. Leave me alone.

And this is Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast where every episode we talk about how we don't wanna do riddles anymore, and yet we still do them and try and solve them and do some improvised scenes along the way. Today, we are joined by two very special guests. They're actually new members of the family, the HeadGum family. Welcome to the family. Thank you, Vin Diesel. Yeah. You should check out their new podcast, Sound Deals, on the HeadGum network. Please welcome Max and Ivan.

Hello guys.

Hello. Hello. Thank you so much for having us. It's an honor to be- are we- are we headgum cousins? How does- how does the family tree set up work here? Are we siblings?

We have the same blood now.

Yeah.

That's all we know.

If our exes sleep together, then we're headgum cousins. Otherwise, we're step potters.

I'm actually only going to say this one time, drop the fake accents.

Listen, if only if only we could.

Too charming.

This is this is what this is what we've got. We can we can try and converge. But now this is we're recording live from Swinging Mayfair in central London. And we're happy to be here.

Are you the first headgum podcast in England? Or are there other other headgum podcasts in England?

Well, we enthusiastically wrote up on our press release that we were the first headgum podcast in England, and I believe that's simply a lie.

No, I think there is another British man who is a headgummer. He was an actor in the play War Horse.

Oh, the D&D. Yeah, he's got a D&D podcast.

Oh, okay. So well, so you're, maybe you can just say that you're the first like English duo head gun podcast. That's definitely true.

That sounds better. We tend to, we like to be the best at what we do by ensuring that what we do is so extraordinarily niche that no one else has actually attempted to it.

Hey, you're talking to the number one Chicago and LA based Riddle podcast in Chicago.

What a mountain to climb.

Are the first British headgum podcast not done by a horse? I assume he played the horse in War Horse.

Yeah, he was the arse as they would call it over here.

The hind. The titular role. He was on the horse. He was the main kid.

We should have him on the podcast, why have you brought us on?

We're gonna kill our booker. So Max and Ivan, you two are, are you primarily known as a sketch duo? Is that correct?

We peddle an arcane and esoteric form of narrative sketch comedy around the UK, Australia, and the world at large where we play thousands of characters On an incredibly low budget. Someone once described it as like incredibly low budget movies, which kind of sums up what our shtick has been in the past. Thousands of characters.

Can we meet 400 of them now?

I'm glad you asked. Because Ivan's actually got a couple for you here. Like this guy. Well, hello there.

My name's Paul. That's perfect.

Shaky Paul for you. Even down to the name, you were just playing Paul Lind. My name is Paul, bye bye birdie. Circle gets the square.

400 of those characters are just that one, I'm afraid.

Paul has multiple personalities, all very similar to that guy you heard.

Love it, love it. If the two of you are plagued by the stigma of low budget, then I gotta say, the world of podcasting is exactly the right place for you. It's like a breath of fresh air. Yeah, it's like a low budget fairy tale that we're all living in. We love it immensely.

Absolutely. We're delighted to be here. We think we're possibly the very last English comedians to get a podcast, which is kind of, you know, an achievement in its own right. But it's a wonderful thing.

Well, I think Steve Coogan is still struggling to shop his way around.

Just hasn't found his network yet. No. We are willing to have him as a guest on season two. We're in talks.

We always ask all of our guests, what is your relationship with riddles? Do you enjoy puzzles, riddles, lateral thinking problems? Did you do them as a kid? Do you hate them? What is your relationship with them?

I would say I love them if I get them right. And if they make me look stupid, then egg on their face because that's not how it should be.

Oh, you're gonna fit right in.

That's what I always say about prom dates. I love my prom date unless they make me look stupid, Sarah.

Why are you still going to prom? You're like 40. No, no, no. In the past. In the past. Oh, no.

You're getting into a time machine and going to proms in the past? Ugh, okay.

I believe my initial relationship with riddles was formed when I read popular fantasy book The Hobbit at a precociously young age and then went and tried to talk to my friends in school about the sequence where Bilbo does a riddle for Smeagol, Gollum, as he then is, about what he's got in his pockets. Looking back, the real riddle was, why on earth was I, at the age of seven, trying to include my friends in this conversation that in fact alienated me from all of them?

All my favorite people went through a phase where they talked a little too much about Lord of the Rings at school. So, you're in, I think, pretty good company.

Thank you, Erin. Thank you. I finally feel accepted.

Well, for our episode today, our JRR Tolkien is going to be JPC, I believe.

Yeah, and I was actually in the war of the puzzles. I was never in a war. Which side did you fight on? I was just a, you know, a mercenary, gun for hire. I'd tell riddles to whoever was asking for them, more often than not, riddles to people who were not asking for them.

Did you know that the Volkswagen was created by riddles? And that Fanta is a riddle drink?

Riddle Coke, that's what they call it. So today, for today's episode, I will be asking everyone riddles. And knowing, Ivan especially, that you don't like to be embarrassed, we are going to do as best we can to protect your feelings. Max, unfortunately, you did not, your story was not as horrible. I should have specified. It's too late. Much like those seven year olds on the playground, we will be trying to demolish you.

Grief, it's all coming back.

It's a podcast about riddles and also unpacking trauma from our childhood. We just kind of mix everything in. So yeah, I'll be starting us off with, I think maybe some listeners submitted riddles that I think are a little bit on the easier side and they maybe will scale up in difficulty. I even kind of went out of my way to find one that had, I would say like a more British flair. Not necessarily sure that the person who submitted it is from England, but it's got at least a couple of words in there that I'm like, those sound like British words.

I can't wait to see what you think has a British flair.

He said woo, but he didn't shout it, he just said it kind of a quiet, woo, woo, woo. Barely politely over a cup.

Yes, a woo, a woo.

And instead of a chop, he just patted them gently on the chest. Great job, chin up, tip of the lip.

Okay, so this first riddle comes to us courtesy of Rachel. Rachel writes specifically, give these to JPC specifically as requested by yours truly, signed Rachel. This riddle reads, What tastes better than it smells?

What tastes better than it smells? Interesting, interesting.

Now, like I said, these are kind of warm-up riddles. They're just meant to get the kind of juices flowing. There's not a lot to them. It's just something that tastes better than it smells.

I've already got the riddle sweats, to be honest.

RIDDLE RIDDLE RIDDLE

Ivan, you can't start distributing egg on everyone's face immediately. That's absolutely unacceptable.

People ask me this all the time. They're like, why don't you have guests on the podcast more often? And I say, we're not sadists. We understand what we're asking.

They hate it.

People don't enjoy this. I genuinely think that if you'd said one more sentence about how easy the riddle was before you said it, Ivan would have just got up and left the room and just walked out. Okay, okay. I've got a possible answer. Right. Oh, I can't wait.

Could you repeat it, please?

Absolutely, I absolutely can. What tastes better than it smells? Okay, okay. Let's take some pressure off of you Adal, Erin. How are we feeling about this riddle that we have potentially and probably done on the show before?

I don't mean to stir the pot, but I think I know it.

Now keep in mind, Erin has 160 episodes of this show under her belt.

Yeah, I broke my brain in just the right way in order to do these.

I myself am oscillating between two possible answers. One is kisses from grandma, and the other is, I believe, the actual answer. So we'll let Max and Ivan take a stab at it.

So, I mean, so we have potentially two different answers. I mean, unless we've telepathically thought of the same one.

No, I think you should go first and then I'll let you know.

To ease some pressure, there are no losers on this podcast besides the five of us doing the podcast.

And everyone listening.

We're all in the same boat. So my answer would have been something along the lines of a dog with no nose.

You just wrote a great joke.

Am I not on Hey Joke Joke?

And that's very clever because it can taste, but it can't smell.

Well, I mean, yes, and that's- I see what you're doing there, Max. The old thinky pee there, the old thought process.

Could also be like a very, like a popular country song, too. I love the idea of a dog with no nose. It's kind of got like a Boy Named Sue energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A truck with no steering wheel. Sure. Oh, that's a whole bus. That's all I'll say. A dog with no nose, a truck with no wheels, yes.

A man with no heart, no how he feels.

Someone grab a pen! We're writing a hit!

I want to see a scene. It's just going to be a continuation of our writing a hit. So Max and Ivan and Erin, the three of you are in a country band that only does country songs that are very, very based on tropes. Beer, horses, trucks, etc. JPC, you are their manager and you are trying to help them write and record their brand new song.

Well, hey there, folks. I've just bought myself a new beer horse truck, and it's inspired me to rattle out a couple new verses today.

I think it could take us in a different direction to our previous album, Horse Beer Truck. All right, all right.

Well, yeehaw! I'd love to hear it.

Yeah, I love that. Now, just so I have clarification from the three of you, you're all the primary lead

We're all set up on my end, we're recording everything, so whenever you're ready, please take it away.

Yeah, take it away, man. All right, b-beer. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-beer. Beer, beer, beer, beer.

We're an a cappella country group, by the way. We forgot, this is the new direction. I got a truck to my left and a beer to my right.

Beer, horse, truck, we're feeling all right.

I spent maybe six months studying abroad in England and everyone I met who learned that I was an American

I'd go for that or deep pan pizza?

Yep, it's lasagna basically.

It's terrible.

It's really the worst food. It's pizza soup and it's terrible. Although, my fiancée Mariah, she was away this weekend and I was at the store and I was like, I'm gonna buy a deep dish pizza.

Oh sorry, Deep Pan Pizza is what you think of in Chicago.

That's not the answer to the riddle.

I thought I'd had a stroke and Ivan had solved the thing and very casually was like, well of course, it tastes better than it smells. Deep Pan Pizza of course tastes better than it smells. At which point you all nodded and were like, well but of course. And I was like, well... I've clearly been- I've got locked-in syndrome and my brain has just awoken and the rules of life have completely changed because none of that resonates with me at all.

The answer is Al Capone.

Okay, fabulous. I love if we invited you on and it's just all Chicago-based riddles.

I'm ready to answer it, I think. Okay, wow. Erin, I would love to see you, I would love to inter- wait, no wait, did we get Ivan's answer?

Okay, so you didn't get it. Okay, so it tastes better than it smells. Now, I'm thinking of success, but in some kind of sport where you sweat a lot.

Thanks for watching!

If I'm pleased, you must stop egging every- that's like the third egg that you've flung at Rachel.

Erin, would you like to solve the puzzle?

Oh, bingo bingo, ha ta ta. Erin, it is a tongue. Congratulations.

That sucks. It sucks.

So it's actually great. Thank you, Rachel. But hopefully that'll give you like a speed of where Rachel's mind is at for the next riddle that Rachel submits. Oh, she's a twofer. It's a twofer. Here we go. How do you spell candy in two letters? What's a candy spelled in two letters? Butterfinger BB's!

Remember those? Remember Bart Simpson couldn't get his yellow little mitts off those?

I just love where your head's at because you think that is the candy that is two letters that is the most common two-letter candy.

I love that those old ads were like, the whole slogan for Butterfinger was, nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. So they basically rhymed finger with finger and Slant rhymed better with butter. Just an awful campaign.

Well, this is my big question as I think we're going to be running into some cultural differences here. You have very different, do you call them sweets? Do you call them Bart Simpson?

Bartholomew Simpson as he's known. Bartholomew Simpsonalia, weirdly, is his name here in the UK. Yeah, I mean we recognize candy and in fact Oxford Street, which is just outside our office, has a In the pandemic these shops flourished, they're all called something like World of American Candy or like Essential Candy Store and they're nothing but American candies but that's a bit of an anomaly. In the rest of the UK we call them sweets and they'd be sold to you in like little paper bags by like a kindly old man who fought in the war.

Well, I have a million questions. So I actually would like to instead of a scene I'd like to play a game and I would like the two of you to list some British sweets and candies and if you want to make some up and throw them in you can and we have to try to guess.

I love it. Very nice. Very nice. Okay, licorice all sorts. Please be real.

What I heard was licorice ulcer. That's what you get.

That's what you get if you eat one too many licorice allsorts.

Yeah, I'm with Erin, I think real. Is this, is it licorice comma allsorts? As in you get all sorts of licorice?

It is, weirdly, it should take a comma but it doesn't. It is, allsorts is a plurality of licorice varieties.

Got it.

It speaks to a bag of stuff.

So it's just a jumble of licorai?

Yes, yes.

Indeed. That sounds like it's from Lord of the Rings.

The Jumble of Liquorai.

You must find the Jumble of Liquorai. Only that can decode the languages of old men.

And my sweets. I'm going to say that licorice, what you said, is correct. That's a correct one. That's right.

It is correct. I would like to put the distinction. It doesn't sound correct. It sounds like it exists. Fun Dippin' I just don't think you can make up a name that sounds more American than Fun Dip. That definitely sounds like us.

It sounds real, it could be real. Something's telling me, surely, you know, we import a lot of your culture, I cycle past a lot of your candy vendors on a daily basis. Um, I feel as though, you know, if Fun Dip were out there, the UK, you know, would have heard. Sure, we've got kind of mysterious Victorian alchemists selling sweets that you guys haven't heard of, but I feel like the American dream is huge over here. I feel as though, I mean, have you, Ivan, have you encountered Fun Dip in your day-to-day? I've never Fun Dipped myself.

Um, but I don't know, maybe it's so good they're keeping it to themselves.

Or it's one of those things like, Taffy that I know exists, but like don't really know Couldn't tell you what it is like if I had to point it out in a lineup. I would like it's a it's a fabric Yeah, I need to talk to you about your taffy jacket that you've been wearing about because that is uh It's not gonna. It tastes better than it smells Hey, gorgeous Fun dip. I'm saying it's I'm saying it's fake.

I'm saying it's fake. It's real

Hello.

The most American expression, the most American sentence you can ever say is, I drove my Prius to Cracker Barrel for some fun dip. Love it. Please, what is it? So fun dip is, this does sound very fake, I'll admit it as I'm saying it, it's a rounded So this is a white candy tongue depressor that you put in your mouth and wet, and then you dip it into a separate pouch full of flavored powder, and the powder clings onto the wetness. It's not like Pop Rocks, it doesn't really tingle. But you basically wet the end, dip it in the powder, the powder sticks to the wetness of the tongue depressor, and then you can either kind of lick it off and keep dipping, or you can bite it off and start chewing on the sort of hard candy.

Wow. As Adal describes how you consume Fun Dip, I totally believe that in the time of COVID, nobody's doing Fun Dip. Like, Fun Dip does not- like a candy that involves taking it out of your mouth, dipping it in an extra bag, and then putting it back in.

Not really the- It is not a fun time to be the Fun Dip CEO.

They've had to just rename it Dip in these troubled times. I also like the way you said doing Fun Dip, like it's like a drug.

You want to do some Fun Dip, bro?

Little kid drug for sure.

Oh, it's a, you know, it's a starter drug, absolutely.

I would like to hear some more British candies.

What about if you were to go and buy a bag of Percy pigs?

Okay, hold on.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Oh man, what a silly country.

Any questions? Here's what I will say. If Percy Pigs exists as an actual candy, then J.K. Rowling is just a fucking liar. She's just a plagiarist. She stole everything that she has. Because if that exists in that country, then what she was doing wasn't magical. She was just going to a sweet shop and, you know, writing things down.

She famously sat and wrote it all in a coffee shop. She was just looking out of the window at all of the children frolicking past with their bags of Percy Pigs.

I choose to believe in a world that Percy Pigs is not a real sweet. That's what I will say.

Interesting.

It sounds like the Queen's Butler or like a children's TV show. So I'm gonna say not real.

I'm gonna say that it's not real and then also once we hear the answer I do want to see a scene. Okay.

Well, we can confirm that Percy Pigs are in fact

Thanks for watching.

There's Colin the Caterpillar, which you can buy in cake form as well. You can buy Percy Pigs, Fizzy Tails. When Marks & Spencer had a bad year, I'm fairly certain Percy Pigs literally kept them in the green. And they've recently gone vegetarian. They've all gone vegetarian. The whole range. Yeah, absolutely. So no gelatin.

You guys are having way more fun than we are over here. This place sucks. You guys are having fun.

British Candy has family, what are we doing over here? Absolutely, that's what we're about here, family values. I've never had this thought go through my brain before, but you guys deserve Boris Johnson, I will say that. We deserve Trump, we deserve him too. That is sadly true. We're all sleeping in the beds we made.

Our Candy has a girlfriend.

I want to see a scene, Max, you're going to be playing a fancy little pig on a first date with Erin at a coffee shop.

Hi, I'm- oh, sorry, you go.

After you, after you, I'm terribly sorry, terribly sorry.

Oh my goodness, I love your little monocle and your antsy hat.

This old thing, I just threw it on. Do you come to this trough often?

I've been here a couple times. It said in your profile that you just moved to town.

Yeah, yeah, I'm new here. I used to live in a sty, in my parents' family sty back home. But I've moved out to make it big in the world of confectionery.

That's amazing. And you're a teacup pig? That's so cute.

Yes, I am, yes, half Chihuahua, so... Oh! Yes, yes.

Oh, here comes the waiter. Hi, yeah, excuse me. I would love your breakfast special, and I'll take the bacon. I would like it with bacon, please. Thank you.

Okay. Right. Yes. How wonderful. Yes, I'm sure I could enjoy a fun dip into that special of yours, except it's slightly embarrassing. I've recently become vegetarian, you see. Yes, I'm only eating vegetarian produce, which is why my butler who I brought with me has it on a little plate. Hello. How do you do? Yes, hello, Samuel.

Well, your butler is rather out of breath. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, I have. Explain.

I've just been around the back. Master, the specials... Yes? My brother, he's been taken for the breakfast special, Master. You've got to... Oh, good grief. Yes.

Ooh, here comes my breakfast!

Oh, well, I'm too late, so... Jerry. Oh, Jerry. Well, you know, listen, I said it before, Samuel, and I'll say it again. Jerry didn't do a great deal of work, and it appears now he's giving Erin a great deal of pleasure on the plate.

Right.

And, you know, despite my misgivings, it would be, you know, immoderate of me not to join her in a slice of your brother and potentially my distant relative. Right.

The darker part was the butler was not a pig.

The butler was a human, man.

No, you can't get pig butlers. No, no, no, he was very much.

That'd be ridiculous.

The pig was human, for sure.

Yes, it was, man. All right, well, here. This, I mean, this riddle, Rachel's riddle demands an answer. And I will say that the word candy is operative in this riddle. So how do you spell candy in two letters? If you want to change it out for sweets, the riddle is not going to work. So you have to use the American candy to make this riddle make sense. GPC, is D one of the letters? No, Adal, D is not one of the letters. That's a great question. And you can ask as many questions as you want. The questions are always on the table.

What's your favorite color?

And Erin, I will answer any yes or no.

So I will say no. And was that a clue in itself, what you just said? Um, the questions are on the... No, no, your answer. Basically, I'm saying... Do you think you've got it? Are the letters N-O?

Oh! No, the letters are not N-O. I guess you're definitely on the right track, though, I will say.

Okay. Okay. And the question was... Can I hear it worded one more time?

Actually, yeah, please do. How do you spell candy in two letters? Oh, right, sorry, it's not... Can you? No, of course. Rachel, no egg was thrown at that point. Go for it. I may have an answer.

We love the confidence. With great difficulty?

Or with great confidence. TL! It's just a very confident person at a spelling bee.

That is great, but that is not the correct answer now.

Fair enough.

And Adal, when you said Butterfinger BBs, I thought you were gonna say M&Ms. Because that's two letters, but that is not the answer as well. So I wanted to go ahead and take that off the table because that's not the right direction for this riddle. It has to be candy, not sweets.

Oh, I've got it. Okay. C and D?

It's, it's very close. I'll give it to you because you were halfway there. It is C and Y because the way that you spell candy has and in the middle.

Yeah, I like completed about two-thirds of a thought and then I announced I had it whilst I didn't. Yeah. Nice one.

That's okay. You were definitely using the British spelling of candy, which is C-A-N-D-D.

Yes.

As we all know. Candidity. Yes, that is very good. C&Y candy is the way it's spelled. And Rachel, that one absolutely rocked. Now that first one, that was a real tub of shit. But the second one really brought it home.

Wow, that was actually a good riddle. I actually enjoyed that. And I'm very impressed that you got it. I don't think I would have ever figured it out.

And now that we got a riddle correct, and we actually got one, what we can all do is we can take a nice little break and hear from some of our advertisers. Sweet.

Whoa, who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well.

You guys, you're looking in a mirror.

Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something.

We look like that?

Yes, it's because you are wearing your new quince high quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adalyn, your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button down if I do say so myself.

Wow, our styles are truly timeless, versatile, and designed to become dependable pieces that we will reach for day after day.

Also, everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And Erin, you're doing the splits!

Look at me go. And it's not just clothing. Quince brings the same approach to everything they make, from hotel quality bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and thoughtfully designed furniture. They make well-designed pieces for everyday living. I'm about to move and my Quince cart is filled with stuff that's going to make my home stylish without breaking the bank.

Did someone say Vince Quince?

Whoa!

Yeah, like five minutes ago.

Yeah, like a long time ago.

Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle. Vince Quince out. Bye Vince Quince. Did somebody say Quince Diesel? No. No. Come on man. Hey Riddle Riddle. What do Percy Pigs taste like? Heaven. Are they chocolate or are they?

No, no, no, no. They're jelly.

They're jelly? Oh, I'm all turned around.

They're real, real good. They're chewy. You basically, everyone has a preference. You basically want, in my opinion, the original Percy Pigs. Oh yeah, it's gotta be the original. But the fizzy tails are pretty strong. They've got reverse-y Percys, which have the different types of gelatin-esque constituents reversed, so the translucent bits are...

Reverse-y Percy sounds like a euphemism for vagina. Yes, it should.

Oh my god!

That's amazing.

Well, this should be a surprise to no one, but we are actually back. We have been talking about Percy Pigs again. Now, I have a question because famously on this show, Erin spent some time in Australia and developed a liking for caramel koalas. Have you had caramel koalas?

When we toured to Australia and performed at some comedy festivals there, the big talk was Tim Tams. That was the shack.

Do you have any Freddo frogs? Because the caramel koalas are the brothers.

We've got Freddo frogs galore here in the tuck shops of the UK.

So Freddo frogs, how do they compare to Percy pigs?

I mean, they don't. One's chocolatey and the other is lovely gummy.

A Freddo frog is a diversion, but a bag of Percy Pigs is a show-stopping crowd-pleaser. If you produced a Freddo in a room full of people and chucked it onto the table for communal consumption, you'd get publicly hanged in the UK. That's weirdly the one crime that it's still legal to do that for.

I will say, Ivan pulled up a picture of the Percy Pigs, and I have never been so sexually attracted to a candy. Please immediately Google them. They're adorable slash sexy, even.

I'm sorry, you've never been so sexually attracted to a candy? Well, I guess I got a box of Snickers in my apartment that's fucking ruined for nothing. For a lie.

I have a quick question before we continue, and I know you've probably answered this a million times, but what is your origin story? How did you meet and become friends? I've been watching some of your sketches on YouTube and I just was very curious.

And this definitely isn't a riddle, you'd actually like us to answer this one?

I'd like it to rhyme, like your answer to rhyme please.

The story of Ivan and me begins in university.

Oh my god, they did it!

Two men on a comedic mission bonded in a play audition. Well, this fucking rules. Well, now it's so good you have to keep going.

You guys, we look like losers. They're so talented.

Please, Max, carry on. And also, don't make me rhyme. Don't make me rhyme, Ivan Kveches, and won't tell about how we wrote our sketches.

Nobody talk, nobody move.

We wrote some shows and then some more in Edinburgh and then on tour.

Not fair, their English accents are carrying a lot of the rhymes.

When we're live, we might appear to perform regularly at the Soho Theatre. We've got a show, if it appeals, on headgum, and it's called Sound Deals. I'm The show is brought to you by Yeah, we started writing. The UK's got a rich tradition of kind of university comedy reviews and we both very ingeniously went to a university with zero comedy tradition at all. So quickly found one another as the only two people who were kind of into it and made the wise decision to become a full-time comedy double act.

That's so cool. Well, I'm really glad that I asked. I'm glad that I asked.

And I'm glad that you asked too, Erin, because it's nice to learn a little bit more about our guests, isn't it?

Thank you.

But enough learning, because now it's time to take everybody's ass to school with our next riddle. This one comes courtesy of Tom. Thank you for the riddle, Tom. Okay, Tom writes, this riddle is the most stupidly hard riddle I have ever heard of. It's not fun because it's stupid, but I thought it might be interesting to hear your thoughts on it. So that's the way we're being set up for this riddle. I promise you, our fans do like the show. Get your eggs ready.

I've got 10.

I've got 10 eggs and they've all got Tom's name on them. Oh, Tom, be careful here. Okay, so the riddle is, you see a letter that originated from senselessness. What does it read? You see a letter that originated from senselessness? You see a letter that originated from senselessness. What does it read? Now, I will say, I didn't, I couldn't make heads or tails of this fuckin' thing.

Can I say, so I, so this is right in my wheelhouse, because I once, I was pen pals with a gentleman named Senselessness, who was staying in Norway, and he once sent me a letter, and it read... Now is that Good King Senselessness?

Okay, gotcha. A song I know on recorder.

A letter from senselessness. What did it read?

Yeah, so okay, you see a letter. Here's the operative word originated from senselessness. What does it read? So that you're looking for a letter. And it originated from sense like a letter of the alphabet. S. Yes, like a letter of the alphabet. Now, Adal, you bring up a great point. You can just guess every letter of the alphabet and you will get this riddle correct.

That'll take at least 50 goes though, guys.

I'm sorry. Yes, we are using the British alphabet, so we are looking for 50 letters.

Is it like W, where it doesn't make sense to have U and W? I don't know. No, it's not. Originated from senselessness. Is it a letter of the alphabet that that composes that helps make up the architectural structure of the word senselessness?

Yeah, I love the way that you phrased that.

That was amazing.

I love the way that it sounds like a fucking college professor. But yes, correct. That is the answer is yes to that question.

Okay, so would it I mean, is S the first letter of which originates like, but

So that's a good, yeah, a letter that originated from senselessness, and S is the first letter, but the answer is not S. Sure, I'm glad, because that would be very unsatisfying. Sure, if it was just the first letter.

So of course, they want you to guess E, because that's the second one, but surely we cannot choose the second letter. So I must choose N. I would appreciate a clue.

Okay. Oh no, I'm sorry. I should have read these clues ahead of time. I saw that there were clues. These aren't helpful. Clue one is, the letter is not one that is posted. So it's not like a... You already got that part, that it's an actual letter, not like a postmarked letter. And the second clue is, there are hidden instructions to follow. Okay, I think... You got it?

Okay, so if we take out Ness... N-E, because it's sense-less-ness. So if we take out N, E, and S, we are left with L. So my answer is L. So, you are so close, but it is since-less-ness.

Oh, since. Sorry, what? So you are taking since-less, N-E-S-S. So basically, you're taking N-E-S-S out of since.

So it's E.

So, correct, you were right there, but the letter is E. Wow. We're removing the letters N-E-S-S from the word sense. Sense-less-ness, which gets us to E. When you started on that road, I was like, oh.

So close.

I just swept in at the last second.

Egg on my chest on that one. I think I'm throwing the egg up in the air and I'm head-butting it.

I think I understand how you got there. So sense-less-ness.

This is more in tune with the Nintendo Entertainment System that your parents bought you, the NESS.

Which was just my mom and dad standing behind a cardboard box with a window cut out. And they say, you tell us what you want to play. And I said, not divorce. And they played it anyway. I want to see a scene. Ivan and JPC, you two are brothers, but you are separated by a vast, many, many miles. This is maybe in like the early 1900s or late 1800s. Sure. So you are separated and you're writing letters back and forth to each other to keep each other abreast of what you're up to, and the letters make less and less sense as they go on.

My dearest brother across the sea, things go well in America where I have made my home. I got a job as a dock worker unloading ships and loading cargo onto ships. I hope that it is enough to support me and my family, of which it surely will. I hope you are well, brother. Love, always, Charles.

Dearest brother, it brings me great joy to hear of your safe arrival in America. I would like to let you know that mother is doing well and father is tending to the oxen. Please, please send some money desperately. We need urgent care for the oxen. Yours, Robert.

Dearest Robert, I got your last letter and hope to support the oxen soon. Little bit of a hiccup with my job. I'm working at a docker's packaging plant. I thought I was going to be working at the docks. I wore waders, those little rubber boots and everything. Turns out I'm just folding pants. They're paying in pants though, so if the ox need pants, I'm your guy. You know, next ship over, full of pants. Until then, all my love, your brother Charles.

Dearest brother, I know it takes a while for these letters to cross the seas, and I appreciate your offer for pants, and would like to take you up on that offer, so please do send a pair, urgently. The oxen are now hungry, and we are willing to feed them anything.

My dearest brother Robert. Again, pants incoming. I mean, it's possible. Here's the thing, totally messed up again. Not a Dockers factory plant. Apparently it's just an old Dockers warehouse where people are now doing a thing called docking. Which, as I understand it, is when two people put their penis... You know what? I don't really want to write it down in a letter. Google it, I'll say. I'll say Google it. Anyway, no money yet, no pants. Kind of opening up my mind to some sexual possibilities I didn't know were a thing for me. But more coming soon. All my love, your brother, Charles.

Dear Charles, this is your father. Robert read your last letter, attempted to make the oxen dock, and he was trampled to death. The funeral is next Thursday. Do come home. Frederick.

Dad, next Thursday, it takes like a month to get home!

Scene.

Imagine thinking that was worth a whole letter. Dad!

That cost $800 to send!

But no, Tom also said at the end of the email, love the podcast, keep doing what you're doing. And Tom, we'll never stop. Until someone stops us, some brave person stops us.

Okay, so now- The only person who can stop Hey Riddle Riddle is a good guy with a podcast.

Jake and Amir. The next riddle, this is the one that I was excited about because I think that this riddle has, you know, I believe some British flair to it. So, this is from Allison. Allison writes, These are some of the classic Knights and Knaves logic puzzles. They're probably best for Erin since she likes math, and I actually did more complicated versions of these problems in my college math class, but they're fun, I promise. Erin, did you say that you loved math on the show at one point?

I said I kind of liked math in 2018 one time, and now people keep sending me math problems.

Sounds like we got ourselves a math head over here, guys!

Okay, so you find yourself on the island of knights and knaves. Knights always tell the truth, and knaves always lie.

And real quick, just for historical context, I know what a knight is. What is a knave? I think it's a type of bread.

Okay. Yes.

It's a scent.

It's one of the pig's cousins. Yes.

Okay, no further questions, your honor. Okay, so, knights always tell the truth, knaves always lie. Whenever you meet someone, you don't know if they're a knight or a knave. They both look like bread. So, question number one. You meet Billy and Franklin. Billy says, we are both knaves. What are Billy and Franklin?

Um, any adult who goes by Billy when their name is William is just full of shit and a piece of shit.

Billy Holiday? Huh? Oh, no. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Walk it back, walk it back.

Wait, Billy and what's the other person's name?

Franklin. And Billy says, we are both knaves.

And what does Franklin say?

Franklin? Quiet as a fucking doormouse. And what does Bash say? On Tuesdays at 7 p.m. TNT. I don't know. Okay, okay.

We are both knaves, is that what they said?

Yes, Billy says we are both knaves. Now remember, knights always tell the truth, and knaves always lie.

And did you say that there has to be one of each? Because if so, clearly this guy is lying.

No, there does not have to be one of each. You just can't discern just by looking at them what they are, because they both dress the same. But we need to know what the two of them are.

Sure. So the paradox is, of course, that if Franklin is a knave, then Billy is telling the truth, but he can't possibly be telling the truth because he's claiming to be a knave.

Exactly. Yeah, so if he says we're both knaves, um, yeah, exactly. He can't be telling the truth because knaves lie. A knave would never say they're a knave.

So surely he has to be a knave and Franklin has to be a knight.

Bingo, bingo, ha-ta-ta, Max. You got it right the first try. Immediately, immediately nailed it.

Listen, we have to deal with knights and knaves every day here in London.

You have to answer that question just to get to the Percy Pig Isle. Yes.

I would like to see a scene. Yeah, it does have to be everybody. Adal, Max, and Ivan, you are going to be knights. And Max, let's have you be a knight who's sort of like stretching the truth of some of your conquests, like you're trying to impress your knight friends, but you're clearly lying.

Ah, hail and well met, good night. Not, sorry, good night. Good, comma, night.

For the good, comma, night is just beginning. Good evening, night. Good evening, night.

Much easier to say. Good night and good luck, and good hail, and whence from you came?

Whence cameth I? Ho ho ho, baby, baby, baby. Let me tell you. Please do. Well, um, you know, I, uh... Oh, Sir Pillows, you are too modest.

Please, regale us with your stories of adventure.

Well, there were rumors that I drank too much ale and fell asleep in the sheep pen. Oh, hello. But actually, your boy here was up to some pretty heroic stuff. Don't know if you've ever heard of real big dragons, anyone? Oh, yes, never seen, but yeah, definitely heard of. Yeah, well, there's a reason you've never seen them, because when I was, when my twin brother was asleep with the sheep, not with, not comma, many commas between me or he and they, Sheep, and it could have just been one sheep, or even none, but that doesn't matter. The point is, I was elsewhere with those soft sheep, because I was dueling bravely with the biggest dragon this kingdom hath ever witnessed. Really? Yes. Us knights can only tell the truth.

Yes, yes. And you were dueling with a dragon. Congratulations! This is one of the biggest stories that I have ever heard in my life.

Yeah. Yes, this is amazing. This is like that time you told us you pulled that sword from a stone and many witnesses had said that it was a sword that was just laying on the ground but there must have been a stone somewhere because surely you're a knight and you only tell the truth and I believe you all the time. Well, I mean, this is it.

And you know, egg on their faces, I say, if, you know, listen, I'm very clear that the sword was pulled either from or by or at least near a stone and I, you know, detail, people get hung up. on detail, frankly, and maybe we should all just chill out a bit and accept... Oh, Sir Pillow, you are sweating profusely. Yes, well, it's all the wool fibers which are on my body for... They fell from the dragon that I was embroiled with, and quite a tussle it sure was. Wow. Sir Pillow, how big we talking? Oh, you know, it was... Fifteen. Fifteen? Wow, that's huge. Yes, the biggest number yet invented.

Oh, knight, thank goodness you're here. There's a huge dragon on that hill that must be slain. Oh, quick, some pillows.

Anywho, I've got to... Off you go. I'm part of this new roller derby gang, and we've got to meet just down the... Listen, it's quite a thing. We'll be right behind you. Some pillows, please. The village needs you. Lead the charge. Sir Wimblethorpe, I think you could probably give it a real good go. I'm only good at fucking sheep! Shoot!

Scene.

What a great Welsh knight.

Yes.

God bless. I'm only good at that. Okay, so Allison has included two more riddles. Now that we get the basic premise behind the Knights and Knaves, still on the Knights and Knaves, next you meet Stephanie and Diane. Stephanie says Diane is a knave. Dianne says neither I nor Stephanie are knaves. What are Stephanie and Dianne? So Stephanie says Dianne is a knave and Dianne says no, neither one of us is a knave.

I know what I think it is.

That is almost the same as just knowing the answer. That's a guess. We call that a guess here across the pond.

Oh, really? Okay. In England, you call them guesticles.

Who said neither of us are knaves? That was Diane?

Yeah. Stephanie says Diane is a knave, and Diane says neither one of us is a knave.

Sounds like the lady doth protest too much. Could be. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say Diane is a knave and Stephanie is a knight.

Okay, any other, any other takers on this?

Um, can, can you repeat, please? Because I feel like I know what it is, but also I've completely forgotten it.

Stephanie says, Diane is a knave, and then Diane says, neither I nor Stephanie are knaves. So Stephanie is claiming Diane is a knave, and Diane is saying neither one of us are knaves. And Adal's guess is that Stephanie is a knave and Diane is a knave. I have the same guess as Adal. Erin is submitting the same guess as Adal.

My logic receptors have basically dissolved in so much fun dip.

You can bill us for that by the way. We turn people's brains to mashed potatoes.

But basically that's where my head got to before I ran out of reasons why.

Now, if you do bill us for your logic receptors being fried, keep in mind that we use the American Medical Insurance Program. We do not have a National Health Service. Okay, great. It's fine. Well, Hey Riddle Riddle is responsible for a portion of it. The grand portion is gonna unfortunately- It's fine.

I'll solder them back together myself. Don't worry, honestly.

But that is correct. You're correct right there. Stephanie is a knight, because Stephanie's telling the truth, saying Diana's a knave, and Diana's lying, saying neither one of us are knaves. That's a lie. She's a knave. Stephanie is a knight. Bingo, bingo, ha, ta, ta. Congratulations to Adal, Erin, and Max. Ivan, unfortunately, egg on your face. We didn't wait long enough.

We are running out of eggs rapidly over here.

I want to ask real quick. So, Ivan, your name is spelled I-V-A-N, which I assumed was Ivan. Is that typical of England in terms of pronunciation or is that unique to your name?

It is not typical to England. So the typical English spelling would be Ivan. You are correct in assuming that. But I am, my dad's Argentinian. My parents met in Spain. So I go by Ivan. Uh, the Spanish pronunciation. Very nice. And I would appreciate if you could sexily say it in a Spanish accent every time. Iván.

Iván. There we go. Thank you. I need to workshop it more. That was it. I need more time. That was good.

That was good. Hang on.

Iván.

Iván. No. Had it and lost it. Now you sound like Cookie Monster. No. No.

I don't sound like Cookie Monster.

Speaking of everyone getting their bang on, you meet Marla and Brian. Marla says, we are both knights. Brian says, either Marla is a knight, or I am a knight, but we are not both knights. What are they? Brian's a coy little character, isn't he? I guess I should say that Brian is wearing like a turtleneck. He's very odd. Well, let's just say one of us is a night Brian Brian also like he's trying to get everybody's email because he has a poetry reading coming up and so he's like yeah Yeah, we're getting bad vibes from Brian. Yeah So yeah, Marla says we are both knights. Brian says either Marla is a knight or I am a knight, but we are not both knights.

I feel like there can be two answers to this.

Erin, interesting. Well, what do you think those two answers would be?

Well, this is gonna sound lame, but I think they could, they're one of each. So like I feel like Marla could be a knight. Oh, no, I can't. No, I can't. There's only one answer. It's only one answer.

Oh, Erin! Shut up! She's narrowing it down. Okay.

She's a... Marla's a knave and Brian's a knight.

Interesting. Interesting. Does anyone want to cosign on Erin's answer there?

Please, I can't get this apartment without a cosigner. Please.

I feel that is correct. I think that's correct as well. Also, is it Brian? Sorry. It's Brian, yes. I mean, he's putting out quite a lot of options there. You know, Marla is just saying one thing. Mm-hmm. Brian's like, it's a little sweaty. Yeah, you know, three different, it could be this or this or this, you know, he's, I feel like he's hedging his bets.

Did he offer three? Well, he said either Marla is a knight, or I am a knight, but we are not both knights.

So there is technically three of them.

Yeah.

Okay.

JPC, I have an answer, but I don't know if it's permitted. Can I run it by you? Absolutely. Everything is permitted here. They're both knights, but they're very, very drunk. You know when you're drunk and sometimes you forget how old you are and stuff like that?

Yeah, there's some additional context for this, like it's last call, Brian and Marla, they weren't really talking for most of the night, but they've kind of taken a view of the bar, they've seen that they're maybe their only options, she's already given them the email for the poetry contest, so it's pretty much a foregone conclusion what's going to happen here, but yeah, we're just humoring them with this last call. But Adal, no, that is incorrect.

Thank you.

And by the way, that's me and JPC's origin story. He didn't have it rhymed, but that is how we met.

Oh, it's beautiful. Americans, we don't usually have it rhymed. That's not something that we typically do. That's very old-fashioned way of doing it.

Not as much Shakespeare in school, so. Worked against us. More Dan Brown.

Can I, I'm going to change my mind.

Yes.

I'm changing my mind, and I'm saying that they are both knaves.

Oh. So here's the fucking shocker. Both Ivan. I'm sorry. Let me take that again. Both Ivan. That's too vampire. Let me do one more. Ivan. Ivan to suck your blood. We'll leave it. Ivan and Erin are both correct because the answer to this riddle is that you just don't have enough information to determine what Brian is. Marla is definitely a knave because she's saying that we are both knights and that can't possibly be true, so she's a knave. But Brian could either be a knight or a knave because if Marla, let's assume that Marla is a knave, If Brian is a knight, then his statement is true because he's a knight and Marla is a knave. But if Brian is a knave, then his statement is false because neither he nor Marla is a knight.

Wait a second, you said the answer is we don't have enough information? That's not a fucking answer. Fuck you. I want to see a scene. Erin, you are the head of some sort of secret organization. Ivan, you are one of the top agents of this organization, much like a James Bond type. And Erin, you are sending Ivan on a mission, but you are not giving him at all nearly enough information.

Ivan, will you step into my office, please?

Yes, mom.

Here is your envelope with your next mission. Excellent. It's very dangerous. The most dangerous one we've ever sent you on. Wow. Be sure to tell your family goodbye before you go.

Well, look, I... First of all, I don't have a family because my only family is my loyalty to the country.

And I guess I... We didn't ask you to do that, by the way.

No, and I'm willing, I'm willing to do it because I love, I love this country. And I'll do anything, anything for it. And I'm willing to risk my... Sorry, there doesn't seem to be that much in this envelope. I'm just... It just says, it just says... Off you go. Well... Sorry, what's the actual, the actual mission? I mean, the letter just says complete mission.

Yes. I figured that would be enough. And then I wrote this little diagram. It's a map. Hold on, let me scratch it out. It's like, when you get there, you're going to do like a loop.

Okay.

And then, no, sorry, let me start over.

And just clarify where there is. First of all, I just need to know where that is.

Oh, um, what is that place? Ah, it's like, it's like America's little hat. It's like above it.

It's like, shoot. Canada.

No, you know what? Southeast Asia. Right. You're going to Southeast Asia, and oh gosh, they said it's urgent, you have to be there now, and ooh. Hello. How about you go, and then I'll give you a call when I remember any of the details.

Mind if I pop my head in? Q here, your superior. Good luck with all the old, well, you know, I assume you've been briefed. Here's the piece of string you'll need. Anyway, ta-ta, I'm clocking off. I'm going on quite a long summer holiday now, but all the best. Cheerio, bye-bye.

Thank you so much, Alison, for that riddle.

Max and Ivan, thank you for surviving a recording of Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh my goodness, guys. You did aces, you did absolute aces.

Thank you guys so much for having us. And thank you for finishing on a riddle which was, you know, one of those where you go, oh, oh, okay. And that's really, that's how I feel when I meet most riddles. So, you know, my expectations were met.

That's how most riddles go. There's not enough information. You've been initiated into HeadGum. Anyone who has a new podcast on HeadGum always swings by our little abode and you get kind of initiated into it like a fraternity. So congratulations. Thank you for hazing us and we look forward to- We can't call it that.

We can't call it that. Thank you for, legally, for hazing us. Now fuck this pig. I've still got eight eggs.

Oh nice. I think you guys are so great and I can't wait to listen to your podcast.

And we can't wait to have you guys on our podcast at some point once we're recording the next series.

Give us your plug.

Absolutely. Sound Deals is the world's best and indeed only podcast shopping network where every week in the Sound Deals warehouse, Ivan and I, in the manner of two enthused QVC style presenters, sell a whole series of objects which are completely made up by our producer and by our listeners, which we get told about in real time.

Yeah, we've got wonderful special guests and they don't know what they're selling until they are selling it either.

So if you enjoyed these two English comedians and want to hear some other English comedians that you may not have heard of, and some that you may have heard of, and indeed some Americans down the line, then yeah, please give us a listen. We're thrilled to be on the HeadGum, HeadGum, part of the HeadGum family.

I can say if any of those products that you are pitching involve coming up with impromptu rhymes, gonna be a home run. Slam dunk, 100%, nail it, out of the park.

Extraordinarily hasn't come up yet, but I mean, I'm sure down the line. Next episode, baby.

And JBC, thank you for saying it'd be a home run. I think that really connects with the show.

I was using as many American nomenclature as I could possibly fit into that for scoring.

In England, it's a home run-wood. Yes.

Erin, Adal, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

No, just I would say check out Max and Ivan on their like all their stuff on YouTube was making me laugh really hard when I was watching it. So give it a Google.

Thank you. And I would say if you don't plug us at this point, yeah, you know, we're not for you. I would say I want to plug our Patreon. You can go to patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle and subscribe to our Patreon and get some bonus content weekly. And also I would urge you all to send us an email to submit your own riddles or to tell us about candies from your region and maybe send us some Percy Pigs. That's hrrpodcast at gmail.com. We look forward to hearing from you.

Email us those pigs. No, Erin, I just want to congratulate all of us because Max and Ivan were our first British guests. But Erin, next week we have another special guest coming from a place even farther away and that place is Jupiter. Cheers forever. Waka waka.

Created by Adam.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey there Walls and Drugs, if you liked that, you are gonna love this week's Patreon. We go back to the well of our state series with South Dakota. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a HeadGum podcast.