Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Did you guys edit all the scenes?

Uh, I mean, anyone can call scene. We just call scene at the end of, and anyone can call it. Cool. We like to give the guests, especially guests who are improvisers and out. So you can get maybe four or five seconds into a scene and then you could call it if you don't want to edit it anymore.

It's not funny. You don't like the voice you chose.

I like to seem to keep going if I don't like it. So I will just, my character will exit, but the scene can continue.

Yeah.

That's how you learn to get better though.

And I will, can we cancel a scene edit? Like if we want it to continue on.

Everybody gets to cancel Tookens. Oh, we're going to finish.

Hey, what's the cabin of an airplane?

He stabbed him with the knife in the way.

And a little horse?

Very nice. Next up it looks like we have Erin Keif from Boston, Massachusetts. What do you be singing for your audition?

I'm just gonna let you decide.

Okay. How about you sing? How patriotic are you?

Ooh, don't love that question.

How about All Star by Smash Mouth?

Oh, sure. Somebody once told me they'll support. Great, thank you. Oh my god, that hurt my feelings.

Okay, thank you so much. Let's get her out of here. John Patrick Coan from Indianapolis. Sorry, he said to get you out of here. What will you be singing for your audition?

I am from Indianapolis, Iowa. I will be singing Boston's More Than a Feeling. Perfect.

Damn it.

Whenever you're ready. I see my Marianne walking away.

Okay, thank you so much. And you're both my co-host. Congratulations.

Oh, we got it.

You're part of a podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC.

And I'm Erin Keif.

Boy oh boy, now if you're just listening for the first time, here's what we do. We try and solve riddies and pussies along the way, we do some improv, and we're running out of riddles. What is this, episode 140? Okay, it can't be.

But Adal, it's going to be way easier for us to do improv today.

A lot of the burden is lifted off of our shoulders because we have some guests. We've brought in some ringers. Please welcome from Big Grande Improv, Dan Lippert and Drew Tarver, Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Now Dan, you're your old hat at this and we last time you were on we talked about your relationship with riddles which seemed a little unhealthy. Yes. Drew, what is... Drew, what is your relationship with riddles? As a child, were you into riddles? Did you have any riddle books?

What is your... No, I would say overall I'm frustrated by them. I've never like, they've never like dawned on me, like my brain doesn't work in like ways that are like double entendre type of, I'm not clever. And I don't know if Riddles are involved with this but like I'm the least helpful in an escape room.

So you've done an escape room, did you, I guess first question, did you get out?

He's still there.

Well, my family did one and we're all similar and the staff had to, this was years ago, but the staff had to come in every round and be like, you have to look under the candle. Like they were just frustrated with us. But when I'm with like smart people, they can be like, Drew, go over there and do latitude and longitude. And I'll be like, okay, okay. So I'm helpful if I have like a boss.

Okay, yeah. You can do tasks, but you maybe don't delegate.

Dan, will you be Drew's boss for this episode?

Yeah, yeah, I can do that. He's already on probation. He's very probationary.

He's given me a few talking to.

I have to imagine it would be pretty wild to do an escape room with your full family. I did one with a few friends and then my mom. So everyone else, I think I had done a few rooms. My mom had never done one. And my mom was definitely like coming up to me and being like, hey, the chair has four legs. Why don't you put four into that combo in the lock combo? And I'm like, oh, sweetie, no.

mom you don't understand the thing is I was there doing that room and Adal never told any of the rest of us that that was his mom he just like he yelled at this lady

What was it like to have your whole family there? Was it kind of like holidays? Because I know when I go home for the holidays, my sister and I, who are very close, start to bicker over bullshit and all the emotions from when you're a teenager come flooding back. Was there any of that? Or how was that?

Yeah, it was definitely a holiday activity, like what are we gonna do? We've sat here all day making stuffed mushrooms and we're sick of each other. What do we do now? And I think it was pretty... Yeah, I mean like I just really remember being astounded of like how equally dumb we all are, like in the same exact ways. Like our brains are like almost identical. So there wasn't like another type of brain who was like, I actually am good with, you know, clues, but it was just, it was insanely frustrating, but we weren't mad at each other because we were all so in whatever dumb boat we were in. Like we were all just kind of Being like, wow, we are not cut out for this. It was maybe bonding. It was maybe bonding in a way.

So it's four or five people waiting around to be told what to do.

Exactly. Has Big Grande ever done an escape room together?

No. I don't think so, no.

I wonder, how do you think it would go? Who would be the most angry and who would be the most helpful, you think?

That's a good question. Most angry and most helpful. So you're really asking us to sell somebody up.

How bad do you think John would be at it and how much would Ryan fuck the whole thing up?

Well Drew, Susie Barrett who is a UCB performer used to do this thing every year that was like super intricate, super fun called the Odyssey. Is that what it was Drew? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, and she would play in this whole scavenger hunt across LA and all the UCB teams would do it. You'd split into teams. So, and you'd have to drive around and like, uh, I'd solve clues. One of the clues was like, you'd like find a CD somewhere and then you put the CD in and it had 20 tracks of songs, but they were all like balking like a chicken and you had to figure out what every single song was and solving that like led you to your next clue. And one of them was. You had to go up to the like the bat caves where like it's like in Griffith Park in Los Angeles where they shot Batman and it was just you know some of it is just like feats of physical feats and so this one was golfing you had like putt into a hole through the caves and Drew runs up and immediately grabs the smallest putter and they're like all right that's the one your whole team has to use and everyone else on the team is like six three and above and I feel like that is like the essence of the dynamic there.

It's just like I was like oh I can maybe be useful here. I played golf for two years in high school. Like I've been worthless all day and then I locked us into the tiniest putter.

Yeah, I think without Drew, Big Grande is basically the size of like the Houston Rockets.

Yes, I bring down the mean.

But Drew, what you add, Drew, is there was a lot of dangerous driving with other teams, and you are a bold driver who does not care. There was a lot of like racing down dirt roads.

Yeah, it was like there were because when you were like neck and neck you would all get in a car pretty much simultaneously and scream down the road to like a bar. So I guess just growing up in the South and like being around like just riding ATVs and stuff like I care about my life less or something. So I was good at being like, I will cut this person off like a lunatic for this game that means nothing.

What a way to die though. They would have named the game after you every year after if you had done it.

But Dan was pretty much, he was solving a hefty load of what was happening.

Well, whatever I bring to a team with solving, I take away with blame. I am constantly like, okay well, you fucked this one up so we're behind Matt. Just making everyone feel bad about themselves.

Yeah, you will know.

You will know if you messed up. Is that jokingly or serious or passive aggressive?

I think passive aggressively mean. I think a lot of like, maybe some of that Michael Jordan instinct I was calling everyone hoes and stuff.

Jordan famously bulls before hoes. Let's get into some riddles and puzzles and see how you do.

Can I say something before we start? I have to remember this. This is possibly cuttable. What is everyone's opinion on Susan Sarandon before I say this?

Oh, I cannot wait to hear what you're about to say.

I have almost no opinion on Susan's story. No opinion.

I think she's been riding Chris Randon's coattails ever since Princess Bride. Wow.

I think she has great hair, but I think she was miscast in the movie Enchanted, and those are my only two opinions about her.

Okay. I think in sincerity, I always confuse her with Sigourney Weaver, for whatever reason. I always conflate those two. Where I'm like, Susan's random, I loved Alien. And then I'm like, oh Adal, you idiot.

So I feel like... I'm also, yeah, I could be talking trash about somebody else because I'm not 100% sure who she is.

I vaguely respect her, but I can't remember anything she's been in.

I think the most notable thing that Susan Stranden has done in the last five years is voice that she did not vote for Hillary, I believe, and then everyone on Twitter devoured Susan Stranden. She has been the left punching bag for the last four years, for sure.

Are you about to tell us that you're dating her and then we're all going to be like, it's your favorite?

Yeah, I just want you all to know that, no, y'all just did our podcast and my mom just watched the video and I was FaceTiming with her and she insisted that I tell you, Erin, that she thinks you look like Susan Sarandon.

Oh, and I just said she had great hair. I set myself up for the best compliment. That's amazing. Please tell your mother thank you.

She was like, you have to tell her. I was like, okay. She told me on Friday and I haven't told you since then. And so she reminded me to tell you today.

That sounds like an emergency. I wish you had told me sooner.

Thank God I didn't voice. She has a face like Slender Man or something.

Yeah, that's why I asked first because I wanted to make sure they weren't any super negative.

That would have changed my entire weekend if you had told me sooner.

When you ask a group of people, what's your thoughts on this celebrity, everybody goes in with the looks first. They're like, okay, total a go.

I should have said looks. I should have said looks. I'm going to take my sweater off. I'm sorry.

No, no worries. And Erin, who did your hair vote for in 2016? Just so we know.

Oh, not Hillary. I'll tell you that much.

I'm with hair.

Remember what was that, herbal essence? Remember when commercials could get away with that? Those horny ones. Yeah. People coming in the shower.

Oh, come on. Bring those back.

Yeah, come on. Bring the Carl's Jr.

couch back.

Don't be a coward. Bring him back.

I want the Carl's Jr. Herbal essence combo where someone's eating a big cheeseburger in the shower just coming.

There's mustard dripping on their tits while they come.

Ew! Fucking JPC, I've been saying, join my only fans. That's all it is.

Also the best part about those urban lessons commercials was like after they would have an orgasm there was always like a thing at the end of the commercial that someone would be like did that really happen and they'd like wink at them and be like yes it did. That was sex I was experiencing in the shower.

So let's get into some warm-up riddies and puzzies. Erin and JPC, what we'll do is maybe ask you to, if you know the answer, to pull the reins, just so we give Drew and Dan a chance. And we might take note that some riddles are jokes, and most riddles, if not all riddles, are very bad. So here's our very first one.

And we certainly don't want to give the impression that Erin and I are going to be any better at this after doing this podcast for 100 and something episodes. We will not be. Well, we're probably actually worse.

I hate riddles.

We care so much less. So these are quick and light, easy and breezy. And if it helps, you can talk yourself through it.

Drew just looked like he was finding out he was having to get a root canal. He was like, oh man, I'm going to have to take a couple days.

Well, of course we're, you know, the first thing we're thinking is stripes, but then we're thinking zebras. Zebras come slamming in, right?

So it's not that. Slamming in. That's my favorite Led Zeppelin song. Zebras come slamming in.

I don't know why this is the first thing that my mind jumped to because it's not the answer. I think we were just talking about commercials. I thought White Claw. I thought White Claw would be the perfect sponsor for White Claw. But then I was like, I think also Tigers already have a sponsorship deal for Frosted Flakes.

And you think Tigers have a sponsorship deal? Tony the Tiger is doing that for the entire race.

Well obviously it's a union gig for Tony the Tiger.

He doesn't like to speak for all Tigers though.

But they all are repped by CAA. Stripes is a great guess initially obviously but it's not that. It's not that. This is wholly unique to Tigers. Tigers and Tigers alone have these. Is it multiple? It depends. Some tigers have multiple. Some tigers have multiple. Some maybe have one. Some have none. All tigers have none.

Can I guess Adal or is it not my turn yet?

Well let Drew and Dan, is there any further discussion?

Erin, I am not going to get it. So I'm 100% certain. Go ahead. No Drew, I had nothing.

Is it like clever or is this like like it or like like a they have a second dick?

I gotta see a scene. Drew.

Drew, you're a tiger. Dan and Erin, you are also tigers. You're all about the same age and you've been friends for a while. And today's the day, Drew, that you sort of in confidence tell your friends that you actually have two dicks.

That was a fun gym class, guys.

Yeah, that was good. I didn't think we were going to catch that antelope.

Yeah, but we did.

We got him and we ate his ass.

But you guys, and I'm going to give you guys most of the credit because when we tried to surround him, I was tired.

Yeah. You really, yeah, you faded back there and, you know, but we're not going to not split up the meat.

Yeah. Thank you. I got to eat most of the ass, so I'm happy. Does anyone have any deodorant?

Yeah, which one do I use? I'm trying to think which deodorant I use.

Take a couple minutes.

We're not doing aluminum anymore, so we got some natural deodorant. Dove? Is there something to that, Dove?

You can Google deodorants if you need some time to make me think of a fun...

Before we head into the locker room, how are you guys? Listen, I've been hiding this for a while. I kind of been tucking it away and I got two dicks.

Well, say that again. I heard you had two dicks, but that can't be true.

Yeah, I have two dicks. You heard it exactly right.

Yeah. I had been wondering why right around when you hit puberty, you started wearing pants, which I've never seen a tiger do.

Yeah, I mean, that was a dead giveaway. And, you know, I blamed it on being kind of a cowboy.

Yeah, you have this whole cowboy persona. Is that just a lie to cover up your two dicks?

Yeah, it's this whole thing. I don't need the gun. I don't smoke. I mean, I do now after smoking for so long. But yeah, it was just to hide my two dicks.

What did you tell us man? We're your best friend.

Yeah. If anything I'm just curious. I mean and let me know when I... Get too personal, but as, you know, as one for peeing, one's for coming. What's the story?

No, they both pee and they both come. That's amazing. And if one pees, the other one's like, what about me? You know? They're jealous of each other? Yes. Yes. They, they hate each other. They're like twins. Like, like to then they dress this. I'd have to dress them the same.

I know we're all.

Have to. Are they identical or fraternal? They're fraternal. One of them's circumcised, the other one isn't. So they're fraternal in different belief systems?

Yes, yes.

One's Christian and one's Catholic. It's so close.

I know we're all virgin taggers, but like what happens when you have sex?

I would assume, well, one of them is going to be like, both of them are going to be like no sex before marriage, but one of them is maybe going to like not have Quite as much guilt because their church isn't quite as strict.

But the other one will have a lot of guilt.

One's Christian and one's Catholic because that's what's happening.

So one believes Mary was a God in a way and the other one's like, nope, Jesus only.

I'm learning a lot.

Seen. Drew, I'd be remiss if I didn't do this. Can we just see maybe a 10 second clip of a White Claw commercial with Cowboy Tiger as the spokesperson? Absolutely.

Hey, now listen guys, I know that you love beer, but it's making you fat. Well, if you still want to sip out of that aluminum can, but you don't want to get fat, you need to try white cloth. Rarrr.

Take all of my money.

I'm assuming that's why people drink white claws. They'd like the can, right?

I think it's a whole personality thing. Yes. Like most things, it's mainly peer pressure, I believe. Like, someone's like, white claw? You want a white claw? And it's like, uh, yeah, I guess so.

And Android just looked it up. This is wild. Neil Simon's original version of Odd Couple was two tiger penises.

Really?

That makes sense. As roommates, yeah.

And it was phallus and foreskin? Couldn't do one with Oscar, sadly.

Did we get the answer to this riddle yet?

No, Erin says she might know it. Erin, do you know it?

My guess is tiger babies, like what do tigers have? But I think that has a limited imagination.

If that's the answer, the episode's over for me.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Alright, think of a new answer, think of a new answer. No, Erin, you are wrong. The answer, no. Tiger paws. Erin, you're dead on. The answer is baby tigers. And that's just a quick glimpse into how bad riddles can be.

I knew that because I'm trying to have a baby tiger. I did meet a baby tiger earlier this year and it was one of the best moments of my life. Their paws are so big.

We've been in lockdown all

I went on a cruise as a joke in January and I went to the super unethical terrible tiger places in Mexico and I got to meet one.

Wow, cruises and unethical tiger places in the year of COVID and people caring about tigers.

Yeah, I really lived at the beginning of this year.

And that's your solo solo show coming out, right? Cruises and Tigers? We'll do one more warm up and then we'll get into the sort of longer riddles. The next warm up is, walking on the living, they don't even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble. What are they? Walk on the living, they don't even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble. What are they?

So this is something that walks on the living and walks on the dead.

So it's not the thing that's walking, it's what's being walked upon. So walk on the living, they don't even mumble. They being what's being walked on.

The living? Oh, we're not looking for a thing that's walking on them. We're looking for what this thing is that's living and dead.

Correct, yeah. Got it. So walk on the living, they don't even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble. What are they?

I see.

So it's something that is dead that mutters and grumbles. That's basically what we have to solve for.

Dan, you look like you've just gone like eight rounds with Tyson Lincoln.

And he means the chicken. Dan, if you'll fucking answer this, I'll drive.

Walk on the living. They don't even mumble. Walk on the dead. They mumble and grumble? It's Dr. Seuss.

Pretty good memory. They mutter and grumble. They mutter and grumble. What are they? So this is something when you walk on them when they're alive, they don't make a sound. When you walk on them and they're dead, they do make a sound. If that helps that recontextualization. Oh, leaves. Drew, bingo bango, hot toot, dead on. The answer is leaves.

Wow.

Nice job. Very nice job. I'd like to see a scene. JPC and Drew, you are two burglars. You're trying to rob a cabin, but there is lots of dead leaves surrounding the cabin. So you're having some trouble being quiet.

All right. All right. Listen, I got an idea. Okay. As I brought a leaf blower, let's get these out of here and let's go in there and let's get the fucking TVs.

Okay, I love where you're going. I love where you're coming from. And I love where we're going. We're going into that cabin and we're going to get all the TVs in that cabin. Packed with tubes. We hope so. If the intel that we got in the joint was good, then this cabin is packed with tube TV's. Heavy ones.

The big old ones.

Oh yeah.

We're gonna make a big wall for like a 90s music video.

And it's gonna be really hard to stack these things because they are heavy as shit. They got thick glass and a lot of electronic components in them.

Yes, and we're not gonna strap them to the wall because we live dangerously. So they might fall on us and kill us. Hey they might, but you know that's the risk that we take.

We're criminals, we have a plan, but before you fire up that leaf blower, think about it stupid. It's gonna make a lot of noise if there's not another leaf blower to cancel it out coming from an opposite direction.

You're so right. Yes, it's louder than the first problem.

Exactly. Exactly. So we have to think of something even louder to cancel it out. So what I will do, this is obviously by our accents, the south, I have an ATV here. I'm going to crank up this ATV, really get that engine revving. So when you turn on the leaf blower, it's a little bit silenced.

Interesting. Okay. But I've got a quick question. And listen, I want to get to the tubes as fast as you do and I want to stack them up.

Oh, baby. I want to get to those tubes. I want to buy a very basic cable package. Like the only ones that they sell. Yes.

And the fire extras. No, no, no. I'm not paying for Showtime. No, but we still, we want to pay $90 a month, whether we have extras or not, for the basics.

All right.

I've got a question. What's gonna cover up the sound of the ATV? Because you crank it up, they're gonna look outside, they're gonna see you revving, me blowing. We got a problem. Okay.

Yes, we do. We have a problem. Yes. Do you have a solution?

Oh, I do. Okay. I go up to the door. I say, excuse me. We cut to that scene, Dan answers the door. Knock, knock, knock.

Sorry, have you been knocking for a while? I couldn't hear you. I've been watching a lot of TV.

Damn it! Yeah, I've been out here for like 15 minutes.

Oh yeah, I watched a ton of TV. I fell fast asleep. Usually nothing wakes me up.

Okay, good. So you're watching TV?

Are you watching maybe multiple shows in multiple rooms? No, same show. Six TV is one room.

Yeah, I mean nothing. Would you... Mind if my friend gave you a TV a quick rev?

I am sorry. I could barely hear you through the ski mask. Would you mind just pulling up above lips?

What my friend said was, would you mind if I come into your house and give your TV a quick rev?

Sir, could you turn off the leaf blower?

Can I hear you? Okay, okay, okay. Turning off the ATV, turning off the leaf blower, not walking on the leaves. Would you mind if my friend and I came in and just watched TV with you, please? Please. Please.

That's all we want. Can I ask you, fellas? I'm in the middle of nowhere in this cabin. I kind of come here to watch my TVs alone. I'm a hermit. I mean, look at me. Big beard, long hair, mean to people. I'm a hermit, you know? I don't like being around people. How did you find me?

We got a tip from our buddy in the joint.

Yeah, your name is all over everybody's mouth in the pen.

Because you talk about your cabin, all the nice TVs you got in there, thick tube TVs.

So you're saying that I'm big with prisoners? The way I live my life is I am a big target for prisoners. You're huge. I'm getting robbed every damn day to be honest with you.

They're robbing you because they like what you got. It's hard to adjust outside, but you got this castle, this cabin in the middle of nowhere, solitary with tube TVs.

And hold on. One of those TVs looks a little bit like my grandmother's old TV that was stolen from her.

Hey, wait a second. One of these TVs looks a lot like my uncle Nicky's TV that was stolen from him.

Oh, so what you're saying is I go around and steal TVs from criminals, parents, and extended families? And watch me in my cabin up here?

That's what we're saying.

That's what we're saying. Oh, I have never been so insulted in my life.

Sir, it's obvious you're a tube TV thief, alright? What do you do when you got crunchy leaves? When you got crunchy leaves out in front of the house? What's the answer?

You never rob a house in autumn. I only rob dirt when... Because if you tread upon leaves whilst they're alive, they don't mumble nor grumble nor mutter. Same.

That was beautiful.

That's the equivalent of hearing somebody in Star Wars say the word Star Wars. Fantastic. Well, we're going to take a break here in a second. Just a quick check in, a quick temperature grab. Dan and Drew, how are we feeling about Riddles?

They make me feel so stupid. I don't like how stupid I feel.

Yeah, like even though I got that last one, you really walked me there. It was basically the equivalent of that really like frustrated person coming in and telling my family like, hey, you got to open up the window.

Well those were just the warm up we're going to get into our harder and more verbose riddles right after these messages from what I presume are non-tigers. We'll be right back. And we're back and let's get into some sort of entree. So we had our appetizer riddles.

We'll get into the full course main entree, the stars of the show.

Here we go. I just got to put these bumpers back from Dan and Drew's lanes.

They can't use the bumpers anymore.

I'm going to take the tee away so you just have to hit the ball and we're going to actually have the kids are going to start pitching now. So it's no more dads, no more dad pitches, hard pitches. You two probably felt like fucking big men, huh? Knocking out of the park with some tees.

I did the equivalent of fucking gutter balling with the bumpers on those I'm over to right now.

Which by the way, you are also JPC just so everyone's keeping track of them. Yeah, that is 100% true. I think bumpers in bowling give kids a skewed vision of what life is. Let them be happy for just a little while.

It's not all strikes. It's not all strikes and spares, kiddos. Here we go. This one's called Getting Away with Murder. A security guard in a hotel sees a man go into a room in which there is no one else present and which may only be accessed through a single doorway.

Several minutes later he sees a woman enter the room and immediately scream. Lying dead in a pool of blood in the room is the man murdered. But how did the killer get into and out of the room without being seen by the guard, who had remained on the same spot and watchful throughout? Wait, did the lady just go in and kill the guy? Or the lady came in and found the body? Lady came in and found the body. So a security guard in a hotel sees a man go into a room in which there is no one else present. So the man walks into the room, there's no one else present, we know that for a fact. And that room can only be accessed through a single doorway. Several minutes later, the security guard sees a woman enter that same room and immediately scream. Laying dead in a pool of blood in the room is the man murdered.

How did the killer get into and out of the room without being seen by the guard, who had remained on the same spot and watchful throughout? My gut is saying that the guard killed him. Okay. That is incorrect, but can you talk me through your theory? So, did it ever say that the guard was outside the room?

Or is the guard stationed inside the room, pops the guy, and then the lady comes in and is like, ah!

And he's like, oh yeah, that guy's dead. That's a good guess. It's wrong in this case, but that's the right answer to something. You know when cats know they're gonna die and they hide somewhere in your house?

Because they're just too embarrassed to die in front of you? Maybe he got killed on the street and then went in and was like, I'm too embarrassed to die in front of someone. That's also a great guess, but is incorrect in this instance. Is there any significance to it being a woman that opened the door? It is not, although we have to assume the woman is a doctor. Yes, yeah, I assumed it. Her Majesty. Oh, and by the way, the security guard is a... Also a woman. Also a woman. Also the room? A woman. Now, Adal, you made special note here to say that it was a single door. Is this like a single door, double door situation?

Was it Dumbledore that didn't?

Yes, magic.

I'm going to go with JPC and say it was magic. Magic. Dumbledore. I think Dumbledore's responsible for more deaths in Harry Potter than any other character. Oh, he fucked up so bad. Through negligence alone. What an irresponsible adult. I want to see more. Wait, you're putting more deaths on Dumbledore than Voldemort, the one who was killing the people? 100%. Because Dumbledore's like, take the kids to the fucking spider forest and shit. And he has a whomping willow on grounds. That thing over the years has surely just bash kids. Yeah, that's true. I want to see a scene. Dan, you're going to be Dumbledore.

Japes, Erin, and Drew are going to be wizard children at Hogwarts.

And Dan, you're sort of in your, you're like a month away from retirement.

And so Dumbledore is completely checked out and it's just kind of being as dangerous as possible. All right, file in, file in, file in, children. It's the middle of the night. Aw, get into the clock. Wake up.

Magic can happen whatever at any time you want. Dumbledore, what is it?

Well, first question. Who set my clocks wrong? Because my clocks, who used the magic spell to make me think it was a different time because I did not know it was the middle of the night. It looks like your clocks aren't moving, sir.

Did you forget to whine to them? Okay, okay.

Who's the funny guy here?

Uh, me? My name's Josh.

Oh, Josh. Hey Josh, I knew Harry Potter.

I knew Harry Potter.

You talk about that all the time.

You bring that up a lot. Yeah, we hung out a ton. Dumbledore, you smell like gin.

You ever hear that?

You ever hear anybody say that? Yeah, yeah, you smell like gin.

Okay, smell-o-bigano. Now I don't. Oh my gosh. Dumbledore, now I can see your butt.

Dumbledore, we can all see your butt. Oh, I did the spell to make the spell for my butt go away.

But I also took my pants.

Took your pants away, Dumbledore.

Also, sir, can we come in front of you?

Why are we behind you? Oh, okay. Well, turn us around us. Turn us around us. You turned us around. Now we're standing butt to butt and I feel like it's weirder.

Okay.

No, your naked butt is behind us. Don't tell anybody your parents about this crap. That's worse. You can't say that to us. Okay, I'm not a creep. Dumbledore is not a creep. Dumbledore, when I could see your face before you turned us around, it looked like you had been crying.

You could tell, huh? It was all red and puffy, sir. What's going on at home, Dumbledore?

Nothing.

That's the problem.

Spend every day of my life with kids. I thought this would be fulfilling enough. I don't need a wife. I don't need children. You're my own children. But you know what happens? You leave.

I heard you screaming last night in the middle of the night, Wypheus Comebackius.

Yeah, I'm trying a new spell.

By the way, if you see a zombie-fied version of my wife looking around, the spell has not been perfected yet.

Wypheus Comebackius also sounds a little dirty, Dumbledore. Oh, okay.

So what's the joke that I want my wife to have my cub on her back a little weirdo?

I didn't say Dumbledore.

You did. See? Hey, who's the pervert?

I'm the pervert. Fantastic.

I love up top it was almost like Joe Pesci is Dumbledore like, who's the funny guy who glows? Fantastic.

So, a security guard in a hotel sees a man go into a room, there's nobody else present in the room, it can only be accessed through the single doorway, woman enters later, screams, there's the same man who entered the room lying dead on the floor.

What happened?

And we know he was murdered, right?

It's not a suicide? It is confirmed he was murdered.

He was murdered in the room, but there was 100% nobody in the room before he went in there, and there was 100% nobody else in the room besides the woman after his body was found. I would like to see a scene.

Dan and Ali, you are detectives who are trying to figure out what happened at this hotel.

And then Drew, you will be the security guard who's just the worst witness of all time and has no idea what happened.

Hey buddy, I'm telling you right now, you might want to start talking because my partner's going to come in here and you don't want to get him mad, okay?

You don't want to upset him. You don't want to lie to him. You don't want to be quiet around him, all right? He's going to get the information out of you. So again, I can't stress enough. Talk to me now or friends. I went to the vending machine.

I had to get a snack. I was hungry as hell. I was going to pass out and I had to go grab some snacks.

So I think I missed most of the action. If you went to the vending machine, what kind of snack did you get, huh? Yeah. Well, I got Snickers.

I got two Snickers. All right, I've seen enough.

Uh-oh. You had your chance. You had your chance. Get them Danny. Get them Danny. Danny, take them. Hey.

All right. That goes from face down to spanking.

It becomes more humiliating the more you lie.

So out with it.

What did you get from the vending machine?

We know there was no Snickers in there. Okay. So what was it? All right. All right, I got peanut brittle. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed and I'm like peanut brittle. And you better keep the truth flowing because you don't want to see my other partner come in here pissed off. There's three? At least, my friend.

Hey Danny, sorry, give me time to quick change.

Should I do beard and hat or should I do the suit of armor? I will never say suit of armor. That will never be enough. Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. No, you were the nice one.

And the beard better not be your wizard outfit. I'm telling you man, I know my story changed, but it's just because I'm embarrassed that I like peanut brittle and I'm not a Snickers guy.

Well, okay. We'll have to have you re-sign your statement. And why don't you tell that to the wife of the bed-bed-ed, okay? Because... Betrayed and dead? Yes.

Because she is at home, and she is very sad, and we're trying to find the killer for her and for his killed-kildrin, who were also killed. No, I've heard enough. I've heard enough. We've been too kind to this man. Slap. Slap across the face. Now, I may have a hat and a beard, but I am a police officer and I demand the truth and satisfaction. Hold on. Are you sure you're not the same guy?

I can see the piece of elastic running from your jaw up to your hair.

That is a birthmark. Now, I have checked our records and not since 1967 has there been peanut brittle in vending machines. So someone here is still telling lies.

Gosh.

And you better hurry up and snippety snap given the truth before my fourth partner comes in here. Alright, I ordered coffee sticks.

You know, coffee dunkers. I like them as a snack. It's weird, it's weird. Are you talking about Dunkaroos or those little Japanese candies with the panda on them?

Neither. It's a little doughy dunker.

I tried.

I tried tiny. Get in here tiny.

No, there's four. That's right.

And this one isn't ironic. I'm really tiny.

Shoes on your knees.

No, no, no, no.

I'm a tiny little, I'm a tiny little cop man. Had you checked the Kildron?

It's probably the Kildron. Oh, okay. Because they have killed their name. They killed him. I have seen enough. Stand up. Slap, slap. What is it? What is it? I swear I'm just like embarrassing snacks. I didn't do it.

Okay, well after that you said you went back into the room and watched something on the TV. What were you watching at 11 o'clock at night? And we have TV Guide book here so we can check. Don't check the TV Guide book.

It was, um, it was the comic show where they come on. Comics at leash with Byron Allen? Same.

Same. Fantastic. I'm crying at shoes on your knees. I also love stand up, slap, back down. Isn't Byron Allen a millionaire? Isn't he a billionaire? Oh yeah he's huge.

He used syndication to his advantage.

Like he understood how syndication worked and how to basically like did it like real estate, but just like to be syndication.

I believe I might be totally wrong. So made his money with like his business acumen versus like his, his comedic chops?

Maybe. Yeah. But he also might be a great host.

I mean, he's really good at setting someone up for their exact standup. Yeah. He like rattles off like 50 setups per night. That's absolutely fucking wild. What they say with the weather channel is you have to buy when it's low. So if it's like winter, like in like the 10s 20s, that's when you want to buy the weather. Buying the low sell now. During a polar vortex is the best time to buy the weather channel. If you're looking to buy the weather channel this summer, I got a fucking bridge to sell you.

Well he's not Selrin Allen. So let's, let's, I'm so sorry, let's take a look at the answer here. Any final guesses on this?

We forgot that we were doing this riddle. Does it have something to do with the fact that it's a hotel? A hundred percent. And it's, so it's a hotel, not a motel. So use that to your, to your...

No, no, no. Didn't you say it was a pool of his own blood?

So he got in the hot tub, the jet sucked him in the back, pulled the skin off, blood came out everywhere. Can I just say, the jet sucked him in the back is a side plot that was cut out of West Side Story. He's like, what is this? This is unwrapped like a fucking Snickers bar in that hot tub.

She's a beard. She's a beard.

Suck me in the bed.

Pool is a good guess, but it is wrong because there still need to be someone. Is it the hotel from John Wick where it's all assassins and someone broke the rules of the hotel and killed another person? That's my dream hotel to stay at.

Dan, if it was the hotel from John Wick, I would have said that a old fashioned and 10 night stay cost the same one coin.

That's the best bar in all of New York City because it's totally inaccessible for most people. Do you have a gold assassin coin?

Goodbye. Is it the Hotel California?

Oh, that's a great guess. The man checked out but could never leave. Yeah, a pool, a ghost, these are all great answers. I also would have been impressed if someone said like, oh, there was a window, but nobody guessed that.

So the answer to this is the room that the man went into that was empty, and then he was murdered, and then it was empty again.

The room was an elevator.

Elevators or rooms?

Are they?

All right, I'm logging off. No, no, come back. So the elevator like dropped? I think a man came on, stabbed him, got off on another floor. That's evidence of what's happening in my brain and how bad it is. Guy went into the elevator, went up to the third floor.

Another person came on, stabbed him to death, got off the elevator, and then the elevator went back down with the dead body.

I'd say before to all your listeners tweet out before this episode our elevators rooms.

I want to see what the vote is on that. Dan, no! And then we'll block you if you say it in the room. Wait a second. I thought this was a four-bedroom.

One of these is a fucking elevator? No way. Fuck off.

I want to see a scene. Drew, you just got on an elevator at a hotel.

Erin, you got onto the elevator at the 10th floor and your plan is to kill Drew before he gets to his room at the top floor, but you keep chickening out.

Okay, one, two, three. Okay, what? Sorry. Are you okay? God bless you. Everything all right? Yeah. I didn't sneeze. Oh, I must have sneezed. One, two, go. Are you, are you holding, you're holding a gun?

Yeah.

And you're going one, two, three?

Yeah.

How do you like this? How do you like this building, huh? Do you like living?

I don't live here. It's a hotel.

I'm staying for two nights. I'm in town for business. Are you going to hurt yourself? Is everything okay? Three, two, hallelujah. Hey, give me the gun. Give me the gun. No, I need it. This room is going up.

This room will be opening on the 11th floor. Okay. I just have a quick question.

Would you be mad at me if I killed you? Yes. Yes. I hate when people are mad at me. I mean, I'd be dead. I wouldn't get a chance to get bad, but what do you do?

Who sent you? Who sent you? It's gonna hurt your feelings when you find out. I know who it is. You do?

Okay, so you know your mom.

It's my brother. Oh, your whole family's mad at you, I think.

You're my mom? Yeah, this is my first time. Can you count me down?

I knew she liked Brian better than me, so she's siding with him. She's sending you to kill me.

Yeah.

Oh, this room is opening on the 13th floor and we see JPC is a contracted killer by either the mom or the brother. Also step on. Hi. Hi. I wouldn't get on here. Oh no, you too? No.

Sir? I'm sorry.

Sir, you're holding a old timey musket? That's not gonna... Wait, they sent you two? They didn't think I could do it? They didn't think I could do it. Oh, yours? Who sent you?

On three.

One, two, three. My mom and my brother.

Your mom?

I'm your brother. You're my brother?

I think we basically saw

Alright, he's a family friend.

I guess also his wife is taller than him, so he maybe feels weird about that.

Let's do another one here. This is one where, let's make these more infuriating.

This is one where it's just kind of a sentence, and based on this one sentence you have to sort of retroactively piece together what happened.

Cool?

So it's not even a question, it's just a sentence.

This one is called Cursed Holiday, and I thought this might be apt because of the season that we're currently in.

Here's a sentence. So based on that one sentence we have to figure out what is going on.

A man returned from the toilet to find that his holiday was ruined. All these boys are giggling at the word toilet.

Everyone's giggling because Adal said toilet. Toilet plus ruined. He ruined. He sat down to poop and he didn't realize that his pee while he was pooping was coming out.

Like Peter just kind of pointed up, so he peed all over the back of his pants.

Are you having a good day? Dan, I think you just added yourself. You're projecting. Wow, okay. He on the back of his pants. I guess so, yeah.

Everyone has had this experience. No, that could work.

Dan, has this happened to you? Of course! Sorry, my internet connection is unstable as I'm saying this.

I didn't think I broke my head. Mine said that at the exact same moment, too.

That's funny. Whoa!

A man returned from the toilet to find that his holiday was ruined.

What's going on?

Santa Claus took a really long poop and he didn't go deliver gifts.

That is a sincere great guess. It's his holiday, right? I gotta see a scene. JPC, you are Santa Claus in the toilet. You've been in there for a few hours. Dan and Drew, you are two people at his workshop. Very concerned knocking on the door. Santa. Santa. Oh, oh, oh! Occupied, occupied. We told you about the oatmeal cookies. You did this last year, Santa. I couldn't resist. I couldn't resist. Oatmeal raisin. How was everybody just walking past the full plate of oatmeal raisin cookies all day?

You're about to eat cookies for the next 24 hours. Every kid puts them out for you. You couldn't wait one day, Santa.

Alright, everybody make fun of Santa because he's a fucking human being who saw a plate full of cookies and had a couple. Santa, you're sick. Yeah, thanks. I know that now, dude. Look, that's not helping.

That's a two fucking hours ago problem.

Santa, we are worried about you. We're worried about your stress eating. We're worried about how it's affecting the job.

Yeah, I know.

I'm a mess. I'm a wreck.

I mean, we've already amended 50 kids to be naughty so that you can drop off more coal because we know it's quicker.

Sure, yeah. Coal's quicker, yeah. Just drop it right now.

Look, look, why don't we just do what we did last year. I'll stay in here for the rest of the night. You guys wear the suit and you go out and you do the presents for me.

Please, please. Santa, we can't get on each other's backs and do Christmas again. You're thin things.

Do side by side.

Do side by side. We cut to Christmas.

Santa, is that you?

Wait, you were only here a second.

Did you bring me cole? Why are you walking so funny? Sorry, sorry, honey. Why is your crotch talking, Santa?

I mean, sorry for my mouth, honey.

Hello, would you, what movie would you like to see? Um, Debbie does Dallas. Okay, can I just see some ID? Yeah, yeah.

Why are you binning so much at the chest? Here's an ID. It's a Coke can. I got a call. I got a call while I'm here shitting my braids out from the local porno theater that my credit card's been rejected.

Now, would you two elves happen to know anything about that?

Listen. Have you seen porn, Santa? Of course I have. Of course I have. We lost it, Santa. We're sick like you on cookies, but with porn. Santa, all we've done is work in this workshop for our whole lives and then we left and found out about porn and we're sick in the head about it.

All right, so for this next scene, we'll have you at the front of the bed. And then you're also an elf, but it looks like you're just wearing shoes on your knees. No, no, I'm a short guy. Okay.

I'm a short guy like this guy. Yeah, we're just short guys. Great. So this is going to be for our fetish season release. It'll just be YouTube masturbating. And then if you feel like more needs to happen, there's some props around the room. No, that's enough.

Well, it's not about you. It's about what we want the viewers to have, I guess. But whatever you're comfortable with, whatever you're comfortable with, and action. There's stuff around the room.

That is it. Yeah, use the space. There's a few outfits laid out.

If there's any roleplay cosplay you want to have happen, there's some toys if you want to play with some toys.

So don't just crank it till we're done.

Same.

Oh, me too, me too. Sorry, we're sorry. Drew's elf clearly faking in order. Oh, me too. Yeah, me too, me too. I also did the thing.

I also did the thing. Yeah, same. Clearly an elf with two dicks hiding it. So the sentence again, a man returned from the toilet to find that his holiday was ruined. What do we think happened?

Okay, so the holiday in question is New Year's Eve and this guy was shitting when the ball dropped. Oh, that's good. That's my worst fear. I love Midnight on New Year's Eve, and I hate to miss it.

It's the one time of year you and your boyfriend kiss, right? Yeah. And it's just one little peck.

I think I've maybe even talked about it on the podcast before, but we watched this movie on Netflix called Holiday, and it was truly one of the worst romantic comedies that I've ever seen. It was infuriatingly bad, but at one point they're at a New Year's Eve party, and the guy's like, hold on, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

After they'd been like hanging out all night and that's when the countdown starts and I was like that it wasn't even a plot device that guy just honestly had to go to the bathroom at midnight and he didn't like check his watch to make sure like I can hold it for one minute it's midnight it's the whole point of the party.

You gotta watch the rom-com New Year's Eve it's one of the worst things I've ever heard. I have witnessed that travesty as well. Yeah. Bon Jovi plays a singer named Jensen and he

So you're calling him John Von Jensen, yeah.

And he falls in love with Katherine Heigl and they kind of hate each other. And that's just one love story among like 40. I can't recommend it enough. It's a huge waste of time. Are those like Penny Marshall or someone?

Yeah. What's her brother?

Gary Marshall?

The guy who did like Pretty Woman.

I think it's... Anyways, you should watch it.

I'll go ahead and give the answer because this is one I don't think anybody would... You can't really suss this out so I'm just... Easter, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July. Do we have to guess the holiday?

Do we have to guess the holiday? Is it holiday specific?

I gotta be honest, it doesn't even say what the holiday is and I think possibly this is like the British sense of holiday. It's a British term of holiday or it's just vacation.

Oh then I hate this one. So here's what it is. The man's wife stopped at a rest stop to get gasoline and snacks.

Well it didn't say petrol so it's not British. She assumed her husband was still asleep in the camper and drove away. However, the man had woken up while his wife was in the gas station and exited the camper to use the restroom.

When he returned he realized that his wife had left without him. She did it on purpose! Wait, hold on. Don't campers have restrooms in them? Like an RV? Don't RVs have that? Some don't? Yeah, but you don't really want to use it. That's true. You'd rather use the gas station. He used it before and that's why she left him there. We're going to see one final scene.

The four of you are on holiday. Erin, you are the matriarch of the family and you have just left the father and your husband behind on purpose and we're moving ahead with a vacation. Okay, we're having fun now. What music does everyone want to hear? More than a feeling by Boston, but we don't have it on Spotify.

Anyone else feeling extra alive right now?

Hey, are we sure dad got back in? Yeah, he's probably somewhere in the car just being very quiet.

I checked in on that. I checked the bed, but it was just pillows and the top of a mop.

You're asking a lot of dumb questions, Kyle.

You're saying a lot of dumb stuff. Everyone just relax. Have fun. We're all having fun. Everything's fine. Mom, dad's snore sounds a lot like you snoring and it sounds like a tape recorder also. What are you implying here? Well, I should just say you taped yourself pretending to snore and put it under this little blanket here for dad. You guys don't like love, love your dad though, right? Oh wow. I don't know. I've never had to answer that question. Coming up now, it's Boston's More Than a Feeling. Oh! Come on kids, dance! We're free now!

Wait, did you say Boston or Boxton? I don't know, but it's very distracting. Sorry, I'm interrupting the song. We've had a few calls already.

I did say Boxton, which of course is a chicken cover band of Boston. Let me turn this off.

I don't know why we listened to that whole explanation. What?

Mom, why are we going towards Mike's house? Mike? Your dad's really fun, very handsome friend Mike. I don't know. I was going to stop by to see if he wanted to go on vacation with us.

Oh. Come on, you like Mike's son, right? Mike is pretty fun, and Mikey J. Jr.

is so fun.

Right? Yeah, I mean, I guess, yeah, Mike and Mikey Jay are fun.

I mean, they're not dad, but they're fun.

You dad was not fun, right? I can't abide this.

I mean, sure, dad was being a little bit fussy on the whole drive and he... Mom, I don't like when he makes fun of your driving either, okay? But I think we could talk about it and not leave him behind.

That was a very scary gas station.

I think he'll be fine, and he was smelling up the whole camper, and he's not as tall or as handsome as Mike, and I think you're going to really love having a tall, handsome new dad.

Hold on one second, I'm going to make a quick request to the radio station.

Hi, yes, hello, 103.7. Hey, yes, you're on the air. Yes, could I hear 2-Bach?

2-Bach Shakur? Yes, please.

Alright, we're going to play that next. Any particular song you want to hear? I'll give you a few seconds. I'll buy you some time if you need.

What about changes? Ask for changes.

Do changes.

Yeah, do changes. And then after that, can you do Tick Bock by Kesha? Tick Bock by Kesha and changes first. You know, we also play real songs.

No, no, no, no. Nope. Hey mom, is it by any means? Maybe, shouldn't you and dad have just gotten like a divorce if you don't love each other? This is easier and cleaner.

Let's listen to the radio. I have to hear this.

Scene. Thank you, Dan Drew Tarver.

Fuck you Adal. You fucking motherfucker. You fucking coward. You fucking piece of shit.

Buck changes. All I see is racist.

Buck, buck, buck for a little chicken bitch.

Dan and Drew, thank you so much for being on this show. Is there anything chicken related or non that you would like to plug?

You know that there is, baby. We are part of a group called Big Grande.

We had a podcast called The Teacher's Lounge, which you can always listen to.

But we are now just released our new podcast, Empire, I'll say, at biggrande website.com. We started a new website where we're selling new original podcasts directly to fans. So if you want to hear the ones on there now, we've got those and we're going to put out more Big Grande content.

Some animated stuff is in the works. Right Drew? Yeah. He nailed it all. Yeah. Check out the website, biggrande website.com.

Wonderful. I'll also chime in to say, Man Now Dog Pod, which is what the podcast Dan does with Ryan Rosenberg, is also phenomenal.

And the TV show The Other 2, if you have not seen, is one of my favorite shows of the last several years, which stars Drew. Thank you very much. Thank you. We'd love to get what number, years?

Adal, just to be specific. Several can be very general.

Let me think about it, and I'll give it to you.

Steven's favorite for one year is pretty good.

I know the number, but they both just curse me out, so I'm just trying to process them.

Follow me, Erin Keif 10 on Instagram. And also if any of our listeners haven't listened to Teacher's Lounge yet, I recently did like a cross country trip and did a full re-listen of the series.

And it makes me laugh so hard that I cry.

So I think our listeners will really love it. Yeah, Bill Cravie's voice just like at six in the morning when you're trying to drive is, it's perfect.

Yes, it'll wake you up.

Yeah, it'll make you feel alive, really energized.

Please listen to it if you haven't already.

It is truly my favorite podcast. Thanks, Erin. Thank you. That's so nice. Thank you. I think I maybe have even shared this maybe on the Patreon on the show before, but there was a time when I was listening to Big Grande was I was getting ready to go to work.

I was listening to Teacher's Lounge and I was in my bathroom and I had just taken a big sip of coffee. And I think it was something that Ryan said that made me spit the coffee all over the wall of my bathroom. and then I had to spend like 15 minutes that I didn't have cleaning like coffee off of like it was wall floor to ceiling like it I don't know how it had happened but I had to clean my whole bathroom that day so I cannot recommend that show enough please listen to teachers lounge drink a big mouth of coffee before you do oh and one actual thing to plug

Our editor, Casey Tony, who does an amazing job editing this podcast, as well as some other classic podcasts like Skyjax and Neoscum, is in need of your help. Casey is a full-time freelance editor and his computer recently shit the bed completely, so he set up a GoFundMe for a new one and we are going to link that in the show notes.

If you're a fan of the stuff that Casey creates, or you're just like a kind-hearted, generous person, please consider tossing him over a couple bucks.

He's genuinely one of the nicest human beings in the world, and he makes wonderful art. And if you can help him out, please do.

Again, that link is in the show notes. I love you guys.

So nice.

Thank you so much. And we're very excited about the new project, Big Grande website. So people should definitely check that out and buy all of the podcasts that you can buy. Does anyone else here bring their drinks into the bathroom with them? No, absolutely not. So it was part of a very specific morning ritual when I was working at that job because I had it timed out so I could spend as much time asleep as possible before I had to be awake and getting ready to move out of it.

You guys don't bring your water bottles into the shower?

Is that weird? I'm serious, I do that. What are you doing? So you're going to hydrate post-cum?

No! I'm serious. There's no one else. Have you never brought your water bottle? I don't. Like, when do you take a little sweat? I guess I take really long showers. So I'll just be like shaving my legs and be like, I'm a little dehydrated. Maybe because they're also really warm too. Sweating. I feel like an idiot. I did used to bring coffee into the bathroom with me in my early 20s, but then I found out that smells is particles. Turns out smells is particles. So when you smell shit, that means there's shit particles in the air and they're getting in your coffee. So that's when I stopped bringing drinks in the bathroom. Just want to clarify here because Adal's comment makes it sound like I was in the bathroom to take a shit. And no, I wouldn't bring a sandwich in the bathroom. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong. It's the shower. I turned on the shower to maximum steam, took a big old shower, then chugged a cup of coffee. And that's where we'll end it. Erin, post Thanksgiving, it's not quite Christmas. You've actually come up with a new holiday that's a celestial worship holiday. Do you want to let listeners know what that is? Yes.

Really quick, have to thank Dan's mom for saying I look like Susan Sarandon, and then I'll tell you the name, which is Jupiter.

Goodbye. Bye forever!

And if you liked Dan and Drew on today's episode, we have a bonus episode coming out tomorrow with the other half of Big Grande, Ryan and John. Please listen to that and then please go to their website and buy other podcasts.