Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Riddles are easier than you thought, huh? Yeah, I didn't even know I was in it.

So cool. This is like Michael Douglas and Sean Penn in the game. Here we go.

1, 2, 3, 4. Hey Riddle Riddle.

When I say riddles, you say puz. Riddles.

Puz.

Riddles.

Puz. Puz.

When I say riddles, you say solve em. Riddles.

Solve em.

I'm not doing anymore. There was a verbal contract to do Riddles and Puzz. No! I'm not doing anymore!

Puzz!

I bought us all these cheerleader outfits, these pom-poms, and you're not gonna do it?

This is expensive because it's an audio podcast and it feels like it's expensive for what it is, which is a joke just for us.

And why is Erin in your cheerleader outfit for one school and mine's for a different school? I feel like, do you want me to be a rival? I felt like that's the role that I was playing.

Did you not see Bring It On? This is Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JP Seek. And I'm Erin Keif. And we are doing Riddies and Puzzies for all you Kevins and Susies and Koozies and Sevens. And we have a very special guest that we'll get to right away. No need to diddle daddle. You might know her from her podcast Wild Horses. You might know her from Comedy Bang Bang. She is a scene stealer in shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Good Place. You were just in one of my favorite shows. of the year, Harley Quinn, as a voice, where I was like, ooh, is that Mary Holland? Please welcome to the show, and she's also in one of my top three favorite Hello from the Magic Tavern episodes of all time, it's Mary Holland!

Hello! Woo!

Hi, Mary.

Woo! Hello, I'm thrilled to be here. Thanks so much for that introduction. That was very kind.

You're one of my favorite improvisers. Mary, I feel like there's not a single show I've watched where you don't pop up and I just go, it's Mary Holland! Like, I was watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and you pop up. Like, every single show I watch, you appear in. So congratulations on a career that's spanned every single network and TV show.

Thank you so much. And all that just goes to show you just have to wait four years and then... Oh my gosh, just wait four years and we'll meet in another way. And we'll meet in another way.

Erin, what would you have said?

See, that's the issue, is I was like, I don't know what I'll say. I better not, because who knows what I'll say.

You know what? I've been in that same situation a thousand times. You can never go wrong by just starting to sing some Train.

That's true. That would have caught my attention. I would have said, wait a minute. Drops of Jupiter in her hair, yeah.

I'd love to see Erin just like sweating buckets with her hand out going, meet Virginia.

Yeah, that would have gone well. I would have sobbed on the train ride home. I'd have been like, I blew it! I'm so happy to meet you now over Zoom. What a treat. Yes, this is so much better than a panic, scary meeting of when I would have screamed at you. So this is way better. Take it either way. Go ahead.

Mary, we do have to ask all of our guests about their relationship with riddles, lateral thinking problems, puzzles. Were you a fan of those as a child? Did you grow up with those? Are you a fan of those as an adult? I know, specifically, as a bit of a leading question, I know you're, I believe, a huge fan of escape rooms, which I am as well. So can you just talk about your relationship with riddles?

Yes, I have a very intimate relationship with Riddles. I would say, I guess I don't really recall them being big in my life as a child, but I remember when I drove from just outside Chicago to L.A. when I was moving to L.A. This was right after I graduated college. I drove across the country with a friend of mine and guys, we printed a map quest of the route we were going to take. That's how long the episode was.

It's

I don't remember which one of us did this, but one of the things we decided we would do is, I can't remember how we came across this, but we found a lot of lateral thinking riddles online somehow and printed a bunch of those. It was the time of our lives. One of us reading this riddle and the other one trying to solve it. We laughed so much. It was just so much fun. And I think that's when the love of riddles really started. Riddles and puzzles.

I have to say that story is lovely and I love that it had a positive ending because if I was gonna do like a 30-hour road trip with someone and they brought like printed out activities for us to do, I would be like, oh no. Oh no, I'm in the wrong car. This is the wrong car for me.

Yeah, yeah. We really, it was very lucky that we were both. But yeah, but I would say like I have done well over 100, I'm probably pushing 200 escape rooms at this point. Whoa, holy shit. You know, I can't get enough of it. In LA, we just, we're right in, Escape room hub like there's so many rooms here and then so many rooms within driving distance Been to Vegas did a bunch of rooms there.

I mean, I'm just a real escape head Mary at the beginning of Lockdown, I think it was near the beginning of lockdown Adal and I and some other friends did a online like a virtual escape room But it wasn't an escape room. It was like a It was like a puzzle activity, because there was no room to it, but we had to solve a crime and we had clues online to open things up. Have you done any of those online escape rooms?

Yes, yes. I've definitely put my feelers out for a lot of those. I've done some where the person is in the room and you're directing them over Zoom.

Oh yeah, like an avatar? Yeah. There's a really good Evil Dead online one in Seattle that's like that where you control someone with a camera and you're like, what should I do next? Like, I'm scared. Let me out of here. It's real fun.

I think that's a slippery slope if we start just making that a thing. Like human sims for each other. I don't know. Yeah, it is a slippery slope.

Come to think of it, I was on OnlyFans. That was something else.

No, if someone was like, yeah, you control what I do all day, I'd be like, now go make a cup of coffee. Now go do this. I would want to do that all day long. Now go back to sleep. Sleep in. You deserve it.

And now pour milk on your feet. If all OnlyFans was, was like me getting money and like hanging out in this room and being like, what should I do in this room today? Should I try to escape? I would have an OnlyFans tomorrow. I'll sign up.

If we did an OnlyFans for Hey Riddle, where all we did was people could direct us to pour milk on our feet, would everyone be on board with that?

That's too specific.

Okay.

She said it. Yeah, it's too specific of a thing.

Erin, it does sound like we have our first customer in Adal.

I know, right? No, I have to be very honest.

Please.

What is OnlyFans? What is that?

OnlyFans is a it's it's kind of like a revolution in sex work for the pandemic because it allows people especially because like a lot of I think like a lot of like strip clubs and things like that have closed down. So it's it's kind of like you can pay it's a kind of like Patreon. I think I don't know if it's exclusively for sex work. Or if it's just for it's kind of is it Yeah, it can be kind of everything. But basically, you have people who like subscribe to your channel, and then they you know, watch you do whatever it is that you know, hell yeah, I'll pour milk on my feet right now.

Welcome to the show.

So listeners, if you want this, please go ahead and tweet at us, hashtag footmilk, and we will get that underway if we get 500 subscribers. Let's go ahead and get into our warm-up riddies and puzzies. Mary, this will help you get an idea of what we're going for in terms of the level of difficulty. I have to let you know that we've been through, this is like episode 115, we've been through a billion riddles, most of them very bad, so just be prepared for that. So here's our first one.

So this is warm-up, this is warm-up.

This is warm-up, so these should be easiest, but typically they're not, so I won't even say that. We don't even start counting the points yet, so don't even worry about that.

There are no points. Okay. Okay. Interesting. You guys, we're the worst hosts of all time. We're confusing, we're jarring. We really contradicted each other a lot.

Put the thought of points out of your- I don't even know who mentioned points. Put it out of your head. Let's not even talk about points.

Well, I think you mentioned them. Okay.

Okay. Well, if I mention that, that's a point. So I do let the record show.

Don't do this. JBC, you cannot do this.

Here we go. When I move, I may not advance or retreat. I can stop even if I do not move. To maintain motion, I must be stationary. What am I? I'll read that one more time. When I move, I may not advance or retreat. I can stop even if I do not move. To maintain motion, I must be stationary. What am I?

This feels like it's like a chess piece of some kind. This feels like it's like the piece of a game.

It almost to me, listen, I'm wondering, is it a spinning top thing? Is it a is it a something that when it moves, it can neither advance or retreat.

Okay.

Is it Leonardo DiCaprio's totem in Inception? Is it that specific?

Our listeners can't see this, but Mary does have a giant dry erase board behind her and she's working out some sort of math equation.

And if I just carry the two and put it over here and add it to the 95 divided by 12. This is way more math than I thought was in this.

It's not a top, but that's a very good guess for sure. Is it some sort of Rube Goldberg machine? It is not, but I do love that accent you do. That's Chicago, baby.

If it stops... Wait, I'm sorry, can I hear the second line one more time?

Of course. I can stop even if I do not move.

Is it like a record player or like, is it music? Is it like something like a... You get it. I'm gonna go hit the hay. Some sort of CD.

I can stop even if... So if it's on the earth, the earth is always spinning and it's always moving and so it can stop and still be moving. That wasn't what the riddle said though. It said something different than that.

Yeah, it says, I can stop even if I do not move. Now here's the thing, this wording is fairly confusing. I'm not sure, I can't picture this in my mind's eye in terms of why this wording is how it's worded.

Okay.

But I'll give you a hint. Yeah, I'd love a hint. This item is the pits. When I move, I may not advance or retreat. I can stop even if I do not move. To maintain motion, I must be stationary. What am I? In

Race cars have pit crews. Don't look at me like I'm some fool from the streets.

Quoth the Raven, another hint.

Edgar Allan Poe.

Poe Webb.

A pit's a pendulum.

It's a pendulum. I want to see a scene. Pendulum makes me think of like a metronome, right? They're kind of pendulous to some degree. So I want to see a scene. Molly, you are a music teacher. Molly. Molly.

Actually, I can tell you how many times that happens. I don't know if Mollies can get called Mary, but I really get called Molly a lot. So do not worry.

I'm so sorry, Mary. This is so embarrassing. He was calling me Molly.

I do so much MDMA.

I am called Molly sometimes. Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. Oh, that's cute.

Here's the thing. I do this with you. I'm also friends. I don't know if you know Mary Hollis and Bowdoin.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But I'm friends with both of you, but anytime I think about saying either Mary Hollis or Mary Holland, I always combine them and just say Molly. I don't know what it is in my brain because I also know a Mary Wynn, and I know several Marys who go by both. They have a compound first name. Right, right, right. I'm just a mess. But Mary, regardless. And Erin's sister's name is Molly, too.

Yes, and my mom's name is Mary, and she named her Molly as like a fun sort of name after her. So this is all very complicated for me as well. How do you keep getting this two?

Basically, we just want to ensure that we're talking about it so much that it can't be edited out.

You guys, I think Mary just solved a murder. I did. It was me.

You can't incriminate yourself. So Mary, you're going to be a music teacher. Erin, you are her prize student. And the two of you are going over, Erin, what you're going to be singing or doing for the musical finals, the high school musical finals.

Mrs. Miller, I noticed that you signed me up and you're also in that slot with me, like you're gonna be singing with me. Is that happening? Yes, yes it is. We'll be doing a duet. I've pulled a few duets from various operas and musicals. Mrs. Miller, this is for students. What? Usually, right? This is for students? Aren't you a student? Right, but aren't you a teacher? Aren't I also a student? You are never not a student of music. That's one thing I wish to impart to you is the study of music is a lifelong study and so I actually am a student of music and so I think I found a loophole and we can perform a duet together. Aren't you excited? I mean, I'm just looking to get an A. Mrs. Miller, you should know that everyone... It's Miss Miller. Okay, I'm putting the pieces together here. People have seen you crying in your car before school and listening to the album you made 20 years ago. Sort of everyone knows.

That's so strange. We have to hear a snippet of that album from 20 years ago, Mary, if you don't mind.

Oh yeah, it's fun.

Love, love is love and you gotta, when you can't find it, where you gonna go? You gotta go back to where you started, where you started. You gotta go back to where you started.

Hey, excuse me, Ms. Miller, and I never do this. I know the studio time is expensive and it's your time that you have already paid, but you do not have to... If you want to wait or give yourself a moment... Why would I wait? I'm ready.

I feel like that was a great take.

This is why I don't do this.

Did you get that on the book? Yeah, and Mrs. Miller, in your album you left all of the back and forth between you and the audio engineer and it just like sort of strange. Right. Because what is music? What is music? Diane, what's music? What is music but audio put to ears? That's a pretty good point. I really need a good grade, so I'm willing to do whatever duet. Do you want a good grade, or do you want to win the musical finals of this high school, which I have organized and put together?

Alright, next up for musical finals, it is Chelsea Burke with accompaniment by Miss Miller. Oh, this is interesting. Chelsea, Chelsea, whenever you're ready.

Okay, Ms. Miller, we got this, it's okay.

I don't understand, she walked on stage, she didn't run.

Sorry, and I never do this. Ms. Miller, do you need a moment?

If you do, if you need a moment, I'm happy for you.

Okay, Chelsea, whenever you're ready.

Whenever you're ready.

I like that the beginning of your original album from 20 years ago was just the entourage theme. You started with, oh yeah.

Fantastic. It was popular then, it's popular now.

I mean, it's classic, you know, you can't go wrong with it.

Let's do one more warm-up riddle. Here we go. It's snowing heavily. Boris goes outside to find that there is twice as much snow in his garden as in that of his neighbor, Percival. But he is not surprised. Why not?

My guess here, my easy guess is that Percival just has like a yard that's like twice as big as Boris's.

JPC, bingo bango, ha ta ta, you nailed it. Boris is not surprised because his garden is twice as large as that of his neighbor's.

I was going to say it's a curse.

Double snow. You know the curse double snow? I hate that.

I would like to see a scene. Adal and JPC, you are neighbors. And JPC, you're sort of trying to cover up that there is a curse that's been put on your yard. And Mary, feel free to join in if there's any walk-on role you feel inspired by. Oh, I will.

Every scene needs a pumpkin salesman.

That's right.

Hey, morning neighbor. Oh hey there Jeff, how's it going? It's good, it's good, it's going well. Hey, sorry about any noise from yesterday. It's the darndest thing.

Yeah, it sounds like your wind chimes are screaming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're screaming. Anyway, I apologize about that. We're gonna get those exercised.

Please help me. Please, please help me. Please help me. I keep getting murdered in this house.

Yeah, hey, this is the new nanny.

Please help me. Get out of here.

This is Jessica. I know what you're thinking. Whoa, she looks like a ghost covered in blood. She is.

Daddy, can Jessica come back in and play?

We want to play with her some more. Please don't make me play with this British child.

So that is Elaine.

Real quick, Jessica and I are moving. We just wanted to give you a heads up. Crazy weather we're having, but yeah, we're moving tomorrow. Just feels like this isn't a good fit. Did you say Jessica? You're moving with her?

Oh my god, you're taking me with you? That's great.

That's a verbal contract.

Will you take the British Ghosts twin with you as well?

Please tell me you will.

Screaming the line, I keep getting murdered in this house.

Turns out you don't need a pumpkin salesman.

I was coming in as the pumpkin salesman next. That was my next move.

I just pivot. I'm selling pumpkins. Let's get into some full course riddles here. Okay. Here we go. A man held up a bank on a hot day. He was caught later by the police. On a colder day, he probably would not have been caught. Why?

He was robbing an ice bank, baby. Mr. Freeze style. Mr. Freeze. Was it Mr. Freeze? It was not Mr. Freeze. This is not a Batman villain. Dang. Dang. Oh, so it's not any Batman villain. What a mistake you've made, Adal. You've given us too much information. All I asked was, was it Mr. Freeze? And then you just gave away the farm for free, my friend. Wow.

See, Adal, that is so... I can't believe you did that.

That's so... Rookie move.

Yeah, seriously. I'm really...

I want to see a scene. JPC and Mary, you are two people auditioning to be villains in the city of Gotham and you're sort of in the waiting room to audition to be a villain. Maybe you're befriending each other, maybe you're psyching each other out, who knows, but you're in the waiting room waiting to audition.

Did you get the new sides?

Oh, no.

Yeah, they said besides last night.

Oh my God.

Check your email.

Oh God. Oh my God. Oh, Jesus. It went to spam. How does it do that? How does it go to spam? There has to be some way to Oh my God. This is this is awful that this is happening to me because obviously, you know, I'm spam night. So it's Oh my God.

Yeah.

You know about me, obviously.

I'm sorry.

I'm Spam Knight. I throw spam at Batman.

Yeah, I think I've heard of you.

Yeah, it's like salted ham. It's like super big in Hawaii because of like the, you know, I want to say POWs, but that's not what I mean. That's prisoner of war. I mean, what's it called when the soldiers go to Hawaii? Imperialism? Colonialism? I don't know. Anyway, but they brought the spam. I'm Spam Knight.

Okay, I'm bug.

You're bug?

I'm bug, yeah. I have to be honest, I haven't totally heard of you, Spam Knight, but I'm sure you've been... It's on the tip of my tongue.

Remind me what bug... Your thing is... My thing is bug? Bug!

Yeah, I like to annoy people.

Got it. Got it. So it doesn't have anything to do with the one bug. It's just you bug people. It's not...

No, I am dressed like a bug, but my skill or my power is... I'm pretty irritating.

I asked because it looks like you have a... I want to say it's a house centipede or a silverfish on your shoulder. So I don't know if that was... That is part of it.

No, this is my sidekick. Frankie. Thank you so much. By the way, I just killed it in there. Good luck, losers. I'm Bane.

Yeah, Bane, yes, of course you are.

Yeah, Bane, we know.

We know, great.

All right, next up, Spam. Oh, fuck. You're back.

No, no, no. No, it's different this time. I have a sidekick as well. This is Side of Rice. Side of Rice, go ahead and introduce yourself.

Okay, it's a set of rights, so it's not going to be talking. Same, same. One more time. A man held up a bank on a hot day. He was caught later by the police. On a colder day, he probably would not have been caught. Why?

Footprints. I'm thinking, it says later in the day too? Is there shadows? Is that something?

It's nothing to do with shadows. I mean, I will say the answer to this is pretty infuriating. So that's a bit of a hint.

Is it because in the winter there's less daylight? Like, is that it?

My man, you're overthinking it. I'm overthinking it, okay.

You know that hot air you breathe out in the winter? Breath? I guess just breath. You know when your breath looks like smoke and you pretend to smoke?

Yeah.

Yep. Is it that?

Is it that thing? Is it that thing? Nope. This is way simpler. So what do you do on a hot day? Sweat. Sweat. Okay. That's a great answer. And it actually ties into the actual answer. On a hot day you would do what versus on a cold day? You wipe your...

You wipe your brow.

Yeah, you'd pour milk on your feet for sure as well.

Did he take off his hat and gloves and leave them behind?

He did not, but it ties into attire. It does tie into attire.

Did he stay in the bank lobby after he had robbed it because he didn't want to go out into the hot sun and there was air conditioning in the bank lobby? I've hung out in a Chase branch many times because of that same thing.

Okay, robbing a bank and staying inside the bank. JPC, you just gave away the plot to Inside Man.

I do love that movie. I do love that movie. I love Cleveland. Is it Ski Mask?

It's not Ski Mask.

It's a jacket.

Ski Mask in the summer would be pretty hot. So again, it does have to do with attire and it's very... Bathing suit. Would you say what?

Bathing suit. It's too hot so you take your bathing suit off. But if it was cold, he would leave his bathing suit on.

I'm going to say this, and I don't want to be made fun of, but I want to say money coat. Is that something? Is money coat something? In the winter he would not have been caught, but he was caught in the summer. Correct. So in the winter he has this, I want to say money coat, that you can hide all the money in, and then in the summer he's got to carry a bag around.

In the summer, he's got a pool with him.

And all the money gets wet. He can just scrooge McDuck into that motherfucker. That's right. Dump all the cash in the pool. I want to know why he's working alone.

I have so many questions.

Well, I will answer in character as much questions as you have, Mary. In character?

You're the guy?

Yeah, I'm the guy.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, can I hear what this guy sounds like? That will help me get kind of me in the zone.

Oh, I've got to rob this bank.

Hi, excuse me. Hi.

Yes, hello.

Hi, I was walking down the sidewalk and I heard you talk to yourself. And you said you're going to rob this bank?

Yep, that's right.

Great. I just want to know how and like what's your, do you have other people working with you? Are you working alone?

It's just me. I'm going to put a banana. I'm going to put a banana in my pocket and point it and say hands in the air and hope that nobody calls me on it.

What's your getaway plan? What, what, where?

Excuse me, ma'am. Is this cartoon dog bothering you? This cartoon dog looks like it's being very aggressive and I just want to know if it's bothering you.

No, actually I engaged this cartoon dog in conversation, so it's... but thank you. That's nice of you.

My bad. That's why I never do this.

Yeah. Right.

Do you notice what I'm wearing?

On my top? On top? Yeah.

Not my head, but the top I'm wearing?

Yeah, you have a bow tie top.

Mm-hmm. But there's something a little different about my shirt because it's summer not winter.

Right, it's a tank top.

Bingo bango, ha ta ta. The man, the robber, wore a short-sleeved shirt and his name was tattooed on his arm.

That's it. His first and last name. I would like to see a scene.

But Erin, real quick, I knew a guy when I was in high school that got his social security number tattooed onto his chest and we went to a pool and he took a piece of cardboard and duct taped it over his chest when we went to that pool.

What an idiot.

Yeah, he was not a great guy.

I would like to see a scene. JPC, you are going to be a tattoo artist who is trying to talk Mary out of getting her name tattooed on her face.

Cool. All right.

So I'm thinking just right across the forehead is what I'm thinking.

Okay, sure. I can absolutely do that.

And I want it in Comic Sans. I want the font to be in Comic Sans.

Okay. Just so you know, a tattoo is a big commitment. It's a lifelong commitment. It kind of changes your perception. If I'm correct, you have no tattoos today. That's what you said?

I have no tattoos today, but after today, I'll have one on my forehead.

One on your forehead. Cool. This is something that's normal that we tattoo artists do. We just try to get to know the people that we're tattooing. What's going on in your life? Really? Yeah, what's new? I always love to get to know the person that I'm working with.

Yeah. Well, my name is Jane Smith.

Sure.

And I feel like people like always forget my name or like don't know my name. Like I guess I'm just so tired of like constantly just like when I'm meeting someone new. I'm Charlie Brown and I'm like I'm Jane Smith. It just feels like, well that was a waste of a few seconds. Here's the thing, I'm scared of dying and if I can preserve some part of my identity by getting a tattoo of my name on my face and then also save time so that I'm not just like You know, saying my name all the time until I'm dead?

What you're saying makes sense to me. Have you tried anything else or is tattoo your number one first option? Because there are some other options. Like, I got a cousin who knows how to go on Kinko's website and do business cards. That might be an option for you. Then you don't even have to say the name anymore. You just hand people the business card.

But that feels really silly to me, because then I just hand them a card that says Jane Smith, and then they're like, what am I going to do with this card? And now it's just taking up room in their wallet, and maybe they're never going to see me again. And it just feels like that I'm going to die.

Jane, can I be honest with you? Can I level with you completely?

Um, okay.

I'm a 51-year-old man, and when I was at your age— Oh, you sick!

I'm out of here.

No, I mean, all right. Wow.

Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, slam!

Uh, John Smart?

And I sit up, and I sit up abruptly and I turn to the camera and I say, close enough.

I love quip clop, quip clop, slam. Pretty great. Well, close enough. Clip-clop, clip-clop, slam. That brings us to a perfect point where we can take a little break and say hello to some of our fine advertisers. So we will see you right after this commercial interruption.

Whoa, who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well.

You guys, you're looking in a mirror.

Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something. We look like that?

Yes, it's because you are wearing your new Quince high-quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adalyn, your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button-down, if I do say so myself.

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Also, everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And Erin, you're doing the splits!

Look at me go. And it's not just clothing. Quince brings the same approach to everything they make, from hotel quality bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and thoughtfully designed furniture. They make well-designed pieces for everyday living. I'm about to move and my Quince cart is filled with stuff that's going to make my home stylish without breaking the bank.

Did someone say Vince Quince?

Whoa!

Yeah, like five minutes ago. Yeah, like a long time ago. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle. Vince Quince out. Bye Vince Quince. Did somebody say Quince Diesel? No. No. Come on man. Hey Riddle Riddle. And we're back. Sorry, I had to run and shut my windows. There's a weird noise outside. Does anybody else have a weird noise or anything? Like a commotion outside?

No, I mean, I live on the same street as you, but it's like 30 blocks away.

Oh, weird. Mary, I know you're in L.A., must be nice, but here in Chicago, I see a bunch of creatures marching down the street. It's almost like there's an animal parade?

Oh, that's so funny. That's happening in L.A. too. It's a really long parade.

Now I also begrudgingly see one as well and it's on my street too.

I'm going to have to wait so long to see my kid who's in the marching band. God damn.

So why don't we hear, let's open our windows fully and hear a little bit of this parade. Mary, probably what's going to happen is to the beat of a very simple drum. We're going to sing about animals we see doing certain things, holding certain things, being certain things. So it goes a little something like this if you at any point want to join in. A walrus with a hot cousin.

A dolphin with a boyfriend.

A peacock with a cocaine problem.

A porcupine with flowers.

A flamingo who loves Mezcal.

A koala who's trying their best.

A stegosaurus on a phone call.

A house fly and a horse fly. It's Edible Parade!

Edible Parade!

Wow, that was amazing.

This is one of our finest and only segments that we sometimes do on the show.

So today's Animal Parade segment is brought to us by Molly H. Of course, if you ever want to send us an Animal Parade article, you send that to hrrpodcast at gmail.com. Let us know if we can read your full name, or otherwise we'll just say your first name and initial.

So Molly H. And Mary, just for your gratification, the first time that Adal sprung Animal Parade, the segment, on Erin and I, Erin and I thought that was the segment. We thought that the intro game that we played was the whole segment.

Oh, that is what I thought.

Yeah, you had about as much warning as we did.

Yeah, that is what I thought.

To be fair, that is the best part of this segment. But nevertheless, Molly sends an article and attached to it she has an email that says, in all caps, SHARKS ARE WALKING. Not a typo. So let's go ahead and read this article. This is from CNN World. Scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. What? The CNN article starts off, So, some sharks walk, just not the scary ones. While great whites haunt the deep, walking sharks are content to scuttle- What? He said, haunt the deep. They're not ghosts.

Yes, they are. They're great white ghosts.

That's why they're called great whites. Because they look like they're covered in a- They look like Scooby-Doo ghosts with big sheets covering them.

We shouldn't have to explain this. I'm sorry.

A great white is just a shark with a sheet over it.

I went to college for five years, I should know this shit.

Wow. They've been walking or something close to it for at least nine million years. They're evolutionary superstars too. Walking sharks could be the most recently evolved shark on earth. This is pretty impressive. They're also called epaulette sharks for their spots that resemble the military decor. They walk on their muscular fins to forage for small fish along shallow reefs.

I was going to ask if they have feet.

They don't have feet.

Not with that attitude.

Please, I want to see a shark covered in a sheet walking on four legs.

I would like to see a scene.

I'm so sorry. I do have to sing this real quick, Erin, and then we can see your scene. Look, there he goes. That shark is so peculiar. He's always walking on his fins.

Every morning just the same. He swims. All a beauty beast, but it's just a shark.

Just do the whole thing. I don't know the reference, and I feel attacked.

Does that make sense?

Tail is six feet long.

Okay, I want to see a scene. I'm going to be a shark who is walking in Fashion Week for the first time. I'm a model shark. I'm the first shark to ever walk down the runway. JPC and Mary, you are two experienced supermodels and you just can't believe a shark is walking in the same show as you.

Erin, can I just say that we love Shark Week, but sharks love Fashion Week.

That's true. Well, that's what I'm hoping. Hey guys!

Hi. Hello.

Can you believe how lucky we are to... Hey, are you lost? Oh, I'm one of the models. I mean, I do have to keep moving and my eyesight's pretty bad, so it's possible I'm not in the exact right spot. Well, good luck walking the runway if you can't, like if you don't, if you can't see it.

Good one, Courtney.

Courtney and Brenda, I just wanted to say I own every magazine cover that you've ever been on. And of course it got wet because I live in the water, but it just means a lot to be walking in the same shed as you two. You what? Oh, I live in the water. How are you in Manhattan right now? Um, well, Manhattan's an island, so I sort of just swam up, um, actually got scouted.

No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What Courtney meant is, how can you afford waterfront in Manhattan? You're a new model.

That is exactly what I meant. Yeah, I can't believe you're already walking for Gucci. Yeah, um, I feel pretty proud of it.

Do you know how long it took me to book a Gucci show?

I've only been modeling about two weeks. Oh, you bitch! Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I may not have bones, and I may... What are some other facts? If you punch me in the nose, I'll let go. You don't have any bones. No, I'm pretty sure. You know what? I'm going to Google that really quick.

No, that's a model thing. Courtney and I are both missing 50% of our bones.

Yeah, you have to get rid of them if you want to walk Haute.

I had a tattoo artist remove all of my arm and forehead bones.

Should I do that? Should I do that? I don't have bones.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm hungry.

I'm hungry too, but normally I eat people, but today I'll eat what you guys eat.

I'm sorry. You're a shark who normally eats people?

Yeah well I grew up right by a surfing place and just like sort of that's what I grew accustomed to. I have a question. So like you're supposed to, I noticed that you are wearing like normally I wear the evening wear. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you right now how I did it. No, but I really would love to see it because I'm just curious. That was a legitimate question of like, how are you going to do this if you don't have anything?

I know that you might be getting a lot of mean from both of us, but we legitimately do want to know how you're going to do this.

No, yeah, we're just curious. All the organs are sliding to the bottom half of my body. This is not natural.

Oh my God, she is a model.

Sharks don't have bones. I pulled that out of my freaking ass. Wild they don't have bones. It's like sort of like the tissue that we have like cartilage cartilage no bones But they but aren't teeth bones. I Guess as sharks age they deposit calcium salts in their skeletal cartilage to straighten hell.

Yeah Also have infinite teeth right don't they just always keep regrowing and shooting out teeth. Oh

Do sharks have infinite teeth?

That's my favorite David Foster Wallace novel. Also, the phrase, shooting out teeth, I think is a little strong. I don't think they're like porcupine quills.

They birth teeth?

I don't know. It's their only range weapon, Adal. Otherwise, sharks are useless in combat. And that is true. Erin, you're right. If you punch a shark in the nose, it will let go. But for a jet, you have to gouge out its eye. Let's get to our animal themed riddle. So here's another riddle for us to solve. A woman was horrified to find a fly in her tea. The waiter took her cup, went into the kitchen and returned with another cup of tea. The woman had a sip from the fresh tea and immediately she shouted, you brought me the same tea. How did she know?

Let's see. He's a fly. The server's a fly.

Yes, that must be it. I don't know why the server's a fly.

You think you're upset? My brother drowned today. That's it. And then he looks to the camera and goes, close enough.

Yeah, sorry, this was just an excerpt from a short Dave Ives play.

This might be stupid. I have a guess.

Oh.

Was she wearing lipstick and then she could see her lipstick stain on the side of the tee?

Erin, that's a great guess. That is not the answer here, but that is a great guess and a possible solution.

Can I hear it one more time? Yeah, of course.

A woman was horrified to find a fly in her tea. The waiter took her cup, went into the kitchen, and returned with another cup of tea. The woman had a sip from the fresh tea and immediately she shouted, You brought me the same tea! How did she know? Was the tea cool? It was the tea before Christmas. The tea was not cool. Had it cooled down since piping hot when served, taken back to the kitchen, and come back cool.

Hmm.

That doesn't strike me as tea.

That doesn't sit well.

These are all great guesses. They're not the right answer, but they are a right answer. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Don't, don't give me a hint.

Okay.

Don't give her a hint. Everybody back on. Stop.

Was the woman a magician or a magician's assistant or the producer of a magic show? And had she marked the cup in some way so as when it came back she turned the cup over and saw her lucky number?

And that's classic producer of a magic show behavior.

JPC, you nailed it. This woman was David Blaine's wife.

David Blaine's wife doesn't even know she's married to him. That's how good he is.

What a mind freak. That's the other one.

That's the other one. Never mind.

Mind freak.

So how else could she tell that that was the same tea she had? It was still hot. There's no markings on the cup or on the saucer. I assume there's a saucer.

There's still a fly in there. Thanks for watching. He just makes the sound of footsteps and stays exactly in place.

I want to say in 2015 I was at a Chili's just before New Year's Eve with a party of four and the service was pretty bad but our Waitress came to our table. Maybe like we had already gotten our food The waitress came to our table and was like just so you know, I'm letting all my tables know I just fucking quit. I've had it with this place and then she walked out and we were like, huh? Wow. What to do? What to do next? And eventually they came by to give us our check and they just gave us our check. And then there was no like discount or anything on the check. And then the manager was like, I'm so sorry, here's your check. And we were like, hey man, come on. And he was like, we'll give you 50% off. I want to see a scene.

I wonder what happened. Oh yeah, go ahead.

I'm sure it can't be good to work there. I'm sure he was an... The guy looks like an absolute dick. And he was also like, it was busy. It was a nightmare scenario.

I want to see a scene, Erin and JPC, you are at a, I believe this is like a British thing, like a tea house, like somewhere you'd go for high tea, I think that's a thing. I can't affirm this, but sure, yes, that sounds good. So you're at the tea house, and Mary, you are their server, and you just cannot today.

Okay. What? Excuse me, miss. Could you... Could you... What do you want? My husband loves... You tell her. He loves when things have like... Go ahead.

Let me wear my glasses.

No, honey, I'm wearing them. What's happening? Listen, we have tea, we have jasmine tea, we have caffeinated teas, we have non-caffeinated teas, we have herbal teas, we have whatever you want. What do you want?

Herbal tea.

Can you say it again but slower and sort of tell us like an adjective to describe each tea? My mind.

I think it's the Japanese accent that I'm just not picking up on. What? Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed that this was it. I don't understand a word you're saying.

My husband is very racist and I'm very sorry. I'm related to the Queen. Okay.

We will have jasmine tea.

Do you want an adjective before? Okay, jasmine tea, great. I'm putting you down for two jasmine teas. We have a selection of finger foods. Cucumber mayonnaise.

I don't want food that's stuck to your fingers.

Cucumber mayonnaise. No, they're not my fingers. They're for your fingers to pick up. I'm not putting... You know what? You know what? No. Enough.

I'll have you know that I'm a...

And I'm the Duchess of the Place with the Hat.

Do we have an answer for this, having now lived inside of a tea house? Put that into your brain space. Do we have an answer for how this woman knew it was the same tea?

Is the cup marked? Is there a marking on the cup? That's stuck in my head.

No markings on the cup. No change of temperature. It's the exact same temperature somehow, just for the sake of

Okay, I have a question. I have a guess. Yes. Oh, Mary, did you have something?

Mary just gasped.

No, I just gasped. Unrelated.

She's watching a football game on the screen.

Is dining at the Cheesecake Factory, which is renowned for having an open kitchen that you can just see into, and did she see the waiter not change out the tea?

That's another great guess and possible answer, but not this answer. The hint I'll give Hey

Adal's cultural touch points are my cultural touch points. Wait, I think Mary has it. You gasped, I thought. I'm so sorry.

I know, I know. I gotta stop doing that.

Is it something with the arm of the teacup?

Can I just say, I would love to see Mary as a detective. This is not a scene call, but I would love to see Mary as a detective who goes, aha! And they're like, oh, you solved it? It's like, no, no, that's just my thought process. It's like, I have to speak a lot.

Of course! I've got it! I don't have anything.

I'm just trying to boost my confidence, just trying to get my confidence up.

Trying to feel like I could possibly have it.

Does it have something to do with the arm of the tea cup?

Nothing to do with the arm. Mary, I think was taking a guess.

Does it have, is it, okay, so she has tea, there's a fly in it, she's very upset.

Yeah.

They take the tea away. Yeah. They bring it back and she takes a sip of it and she's like, she's upset because it's the same tea. But the thing that I'm bumping against is that she saw the fly in her tea and she tasted the second tea. So what is going on with her?

Well, here's the thing is, Mary, you walked yourself right up to the cliff's edge of the answer and then you backed away. So think about it. She just saw the tea the first time, she tasted it the second time, and she knew somehow through the taste. So you're right there on the cusp of an answer. And again, I said Def Leppard as a hint, but maybe not everyone knows Def Leppard.

Oh, I know. Okay, I got it. Yes. I know Def Leppard. What is it?

I would think there's at least one song you know of Def Leppard, if nothing else.

I know it. What is it? I don't know. So, when Adal, this is very clever, when Adal says there's a fly in the tea, there's not a fly in the tea, the fly, famously played by Jeff Goldblum, Goldblum type of tea, she poured some sugar in the tea and so she knows because she tastes it.

Adal, fire him, fire him, just do it. Fire him right now or I'm leaving. Yeah, and me too. Fire him right now.

Mary, I'm so sorry. JPC, can I see you over here? No. You nailed the answer. It was perfectly correct. But I'm so sorry that these two are not on board.

No, the answer is... Pour some sugar on me in the name of tea.

That is correct. What had happened was the woman already put sugar in the first cup. When she tasted the new tea, it was already sweet. So she knew if it was already sweet, it had to be the same cup of tea. Pretty good.

I love riddles. I really hated that. We did it, everybody. We did it. She hates riddles. She just said one of her favorite days ever was doing riddles in a car, and we ruined a cherished memory for her. Go home, everybody. We did it.

I think that Def Leppard is a band that did a live show where they played, they opened with that song and then closed with that song in their, not swan song, what's it called, when you do more songs at the end of a set? Encore!

Encore! Swan song?

When they die at the end?

I saw Neil Diamond live and he did that. He played, what is it? He played Pour Some Sugar On Me twice. No, no, no. Neil! What's his, is it? You have a catalog! Oh, Sweet Caroline. He sang Sweet Caroline, like his second and third song. And then for the encore, for the final song, he made all of us sing Sweet Caroline. And I was like, I didn't pay to hear these fucking octogenarians sing Sweet Caroline.

Octogenarians! I'm going for that. What a good ad for Neil Diamond. Yeah.

Mary, I'm sorry that we made you hate riddles. I hope this next and final segment will win you back over. Of course, this is a segment we do every time we have a guest with the last name Holland. This is a segment we call Holland If You Hear Me.

So what's going to happen, Mary? And we just want to apologize one more time to Tom Holland. We did not know your body of work. We were not familiar. And we were unprepared for the segment. So that is our apology to you.

We also want to apologize to Tom DeLong because

Other reasons.

We were wrong. Aliens exist. So Mary, this is a segment where I'm going to ask you some questions about your last name, Holland. Do you know the country of origin of your last name?

Nah. I think English. I think English.

So I took this in terms of the country Holland, so I'm going to ask you some questions about the country Holland. Easy. Perfect. You can get some help at any time, and I definitely hope you do lean on these two. You can get some help from JPC or Erin. They can chime in with what they think the answer is and try to help you out. However, anytime JPC gives you some helpful advice or tips or possible answers, he's going to do it in a way that's as if he's your dad and he's letting you know that him and your mom are divorcing. And anytime Erin gives you a hint, it's going to be in the mode of the most popular girl in school trying to befriend you.

So I use compassion and empathy? How any parent would deliver a conversation that's sensitive?

So we'll start off with, I think, a bit of a layup. We'll see. What is the capital of Holland, Mary Holland?

Okay, I believe, well Holland, I'm not totally sure about this, but I think Holland is not, is a province? Is it like, is the country, or is the country Holland? I guess because I thought Holland was a part of,

I think it's part of the Netherlands. The Netherlands, yeah. The Netherlands is like all that area together, but I think Holland is a country. I speak with no knowledge. Okay, great.

No, Mary is correct. It is the Netherlands, and I think Holland, sometimes they're used interchangeably, but I believe Holland is a province of, it doesn't matter. But yes, I think that that is correct. Amsterdam.

That is correct. You get one tulip bulb. And you're aiming for at least five, Mary.

Oh my God.

Five tulips? Mary Holland, in 1810, this famous man made his brother Louis the monarch of the Kingdom of Holland. I know this. Don't forget, you can lean on JPC or Erin and they will try and help you out.

Dad?

Hey, Mary. So... Hey, come in.

Stop just lurking in the doorway.

I feel more comfortable in the doorway. This is not technically my house anymore. We'll get to that. Kind of some bummer news. Your mother and I are no longer going to be together. She is going to be with Louis, G's brother, from now on. That's my brother.

G's brother?

No, Luigi. I'm sorry, Luigi's brother. And I, of course, am Mario. So the answer... The answer is Mario.

I don't know, Dad.

Okay, well, I've been drinking, so I'm gonna go back to watching the big game. Okay, goodbye.

Mary, I just want to apologize for that.

Louis the Monarch. I have no idea. Do you know, Erin? I can Google it.

If it's not Mario, then I'm fucked.

I'll say that this famous man, whose brother is Louis, who was made monarch, his last name would never be a name of a shark.

Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it ready. Oh my god, I love your hair. It's so cute. Oh, thanks. Hey, do you want to like sit like with us right here in the courtyard like we can talk? Oh yeah, I was just on my way to the biology lab. I like your backpack and I like your glasses. Thanks. It's Jansport. They're both Jansport. Awesome, do you have any questions for me about the school or anything? Actually, yeah. I was just wondering, who's Louis' brother? So like, Louis, I think his last name is Bonaparte, which is like bone. So my guess would maybe be... I gotta go. Napoleon!

Excuse me, excuse me, I'm sorry. I never do this, but would either one of you like to buy a pumpkin?

We don't need you! Okay, okay, okay, okay. Mary, you are correct.

It is Napoleon's brother, Louis. You now have two tulip bulbs. We're aiming for five.

Wow, okay.

Here we go. Holland has approximately 1.5 million of these. And this could be anything.

I didn't really help you out with that. 1.5 million of these.

I would say windmills. That is way too many windmills. This is something that's maybe a living creature.

I know it's not fucks because the people of the Netherlands have none of those.

An animal.

Mm-hmm. 1.5 million? Okay, so livestock could be like... Insects. Did you say sex?

Insects. Insects.

We have 1.5 million sex. That's how Dutch people talk, right?

No. Cows? Chickens? No, that doesn't make any sense.

It is cows.

Cows? Wow.

Cows.

So Mary, you have three tulip bulbs, and I'll ask this... Wow, okay.

Oh, I get that one? Great.

You get that one. Hold on, I gotta do it like a dad.

Hey kiddo, uh, cows.

Leave me alone! I will say, I had another question on here that was Amsterdam has over 1,200 of these and, no I'm sorry, that was bridges. Where was that one? Oh, Holland has around 1,000 of these, 1,000 working windmills, so that is

Mary Holland, here's another question for Holland If You Hear Me.

There is no country in the world where more blank is consumed than in Holland. 32 million kilos per year. There is no country in the world where more blank is consumed than Holland. 32 million kilos per year. I was going to say cheese. Cheese is a great answer, but not the correct one. But there are a bunch of cheese hounds.

Milk?

No, it's not milk.

They better be. They have a million cows. What are they doing with all that milk?

I have a guess. I have a guess. I'm going to deliver it maybe like a dad. Hey, sport. So your mom and I are trying to hash things out.

OK.

Weed.

Oh, oh, weed. Really love for you to... Dad, get out of here. I'm gone.

Yes, the Dutch eat 32 million kilos of wheat a year.

They're very sick people.

The answer we're looking for is licorice.

What? Are they okay?

That's so much licorice. Holland has the highest concentration of these in the world. Holland has the highest concentration of these in the world. And I'll give you a hint, and your hint is... Give the hint like a popular dad.

Combine them.

Like a popular dad. Hey, what's up, sweetie? I mean, no big deal. Oh, this? It's a skateboard.

Are you supposed to be popular? Mostly seem flippant.

I was never popular, so I don't know what that feels like, or sounds like.

Is your dad dressing in your little brother's clothes? He's busting out of them.

Dad, sick!

Hey, you know who all the cool kids are talking about is that Ben Stiller. I hear that Ben Stiller's really cool and I hear Steve Coogan and Ellen Wilson are real popular as well. So that's what all the kids are talking about is those three actors. I hear they're pretty sweet. Celebrities' children.

Holland has the highest concentration of these in the world.

Men with interesting noses. White men. You know, I'm your dad, but I would still spend a night with Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, or Steve Coogan. And probably some other people.

Museums. Museums.

Highest concentration of museums in the world. Wow, that's actually pretty cool. Mary, that's four tulips. You need one more. Here we go. This is the last one. The Dutch, from Holland. The Dutch are the blankest people in the world.

Happiest.

Happiest is a great answer. It's not correct. I believe the Danish are the happiest people in the world.

Good for them.

Wait, are the Dutch the Dutchest people in the world?

The Hollandest.

That would make sense.

The milkiest.

We're the Dutchest people in the world.

The cowiest. They're the cowiest people. The cheesiest people in the world. Windmillist.

No, sweetie, that's me. You're dead. It's a physical attribute. Okay.

The most beautiful?

No, that's Sweden, famously.

No, that's subjective.

They are the tallest and horniest people in the world.

Fee-fi-fo-fum. I want sex.

You should have just said fee-fi-fo-cum. I was right there. Somebody said it. The Dutch are the tallest people in the world. Mary, that's five tulips. Tulip bulbs. You win.

Oh, that's very nice. I feel like you're giving me a couple of those that I don't deserve. No, you should just go for it. Each bulb is worth $500,000 a piece. Wow, where do I trade those in? You don't want to keep them? Are you mailing those to me? Yeah, you trade them in with the pumpkin salesman.

So Mary, thank you for letting me do that nightmare of a segment with an ethnicity that you have no relation to.

Thank you. That was fun. That was very informative.

Absolutely. Well, that brings us to the close of our show. Let's go ahead and see if we have anything to promote. Erin Keif, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Nope. Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram if you want to message me or anything, but I got nothing.

Great. Mary Holland.

Mary Holland. You can follow me at Mary Holland Days on Instagram and at mholland85 on Twitter. And there's a movie coming out around the holidays. Listen, it could end up being in movie theaters. It could end up being some sort of digital box office thing, but it's called Happiest Season, and it's a holiday movie, and so just look out for it.

Ooh, can you tell us who you play in that?

No, no, I am in it. I am in it. I'm gonna assume that you play like Christina Claus. No, no member of the Claus family is represented in the movie.

Very nice. What was the name of that movie again?

Happiest season.

Happiest season. Very nice. JPC, any plugs?

Nothing to plug. I do want to say that earlier when you said that brings us to the close of the show, I wanted to just say something like, you can buy our merch in the link in the episode description, because that's kind of like the clothes of the show, which I thought might be a fun pun. And then the moment passed, and then I still wanted to get it in anyway. So Adal, anything to plug?

I always want to plug shoe hoarding in bits, even though the window has passed. I think that's always a great idea. And then I also want to plug two quick things. The three of us, myself, JBC, and Erin, we were on a podcast called If I Were You, hosted by our podcast daddies HeadGum, Jake, and Amir, so please check out an episode of If I Were You with us on it. I think that came out this week too, right? Yeah, so it should be out there now. And then I also was a guest on a wonderful podcast called Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9. That's hosted by Jeffrey Cranor and Cecil Baldwin from Welcome to Night Vale, so please check that out as well. We reviewed the movie Suspiria, which I had never seen up until I had to watch it for this podcast. Boy oh boy, that was a rollercoaster ride.

Oh, with Shia LaBeouf.

Mm-hmm, with Shia LaBeouf, absolutely. And Erin, of course, the spookiest planet in all the solar system is what planet?

Riddle Riddle

Hey there, you kooky squirrels and geese. If you liked that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We do a return to the bracket challenge. You can find that and all of our episodes by joining the clue crew for $5 or the review crew for $8 at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. See you there!

That was a HeadGum podcast.