Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice. Hey. Oh, so then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horse is uprising.

99 episodes of riddles we've done. 99 episodes of riddles.

You take one down, you pass it around. 98 episodes of riddles on the wall.

98 episodes of riddle on the wall. 98 episodes of riddles.

Three are good, the rest are bad. 97 riddles. How is it? 99 riddles and puzzles that we've done so far.

Some are good and most are bad. You can pretty much lose the first 40. Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm JP69C.

And I'm Erin99problems, but a riddle ain't one Keif. 99 episodes. And we're almost to 100. This is wild.

That 99 Problems by the way has one of my favorite lines in a song which is loud as a motorbike but wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight. I love that line. Is that a 99 Bottles of Beer? Yeah it's a 99 Bottles of Beer. It's in the middle when Jay-Z does a verse and it's just about a guy who runs his mouth as he's drinking the beer.

I 100% thought you were doing a bit where I thought you were going to go, yeah that song has one of my favorite lyrics of all time, which is, and I have a tattoo of it, one of my favorite lyrics of all time is, 57 bottles of beer on the wall just really hits home for me.

Because my dad would die when he was 57 and it just like, every time that comes in it slaps. Who is that man? It slaps? My dad's still alive.

Well we are one, we're in our penultimate episode. No wait.

Stop what that means. Well, what I mean is that so many people think that we're ending the show.

We're almost at our series finale.

I think every episode we lose thousands of listeners because they think we're being serious about it being our last episode. That's a series wrap on Erin Keif. Erin Keif everybody.

I hate it all y'all. Fuck you guys. I'm out. Oh no I didn't. I didn't hate anyone.

So I believe for 99.

Any joy to share? Any joy to share before we get into it?

Any joy? Well, should the three of us sing Imagine? Would that be fun?

Oh yes. God. So here's the thing about this. This whole lockdown was so long ago now that- How long ago was it? I had completely forgot about Gal Gadot's Imagine and I was like, I remember that earlier, like legit earlier today, I remember that that happened or someone reminded me that that happened, I think. And I was like, holy shit, that was this year. Like that was, that happened so like just a few weeks ago.

Mary, a few weeks ago. It's wild to think that John Lennon died in January. Oh yeah.

Isn't that weird?

Yeah. It seems like so long ago and it was just January.

Any joy to share though, any bright spots?

Yeah, I can start. I guess this is a bright spot. This week, so as everyone knows, I like to keep up my steps. I've been trying to keep up my steps during lockdown. I have a treadmill in my apartment. Hey Riddle. So I guess it was like earlier in the week, I was like, I want to set my all time in a day step record. So I looked up what it was and it was 40, like Fitbit gives you badges for how many steps you get. And it was like 45,000 steps. And I got it in like June of 2018 or something. It was like, you know, I was outside, I was walking a lot because it was the summer. Um, and I was like 45,000 steps. That's what I'm going to be. I'm going to do 50,000 steps. And I set aside a whole like date, like do it to accomplish it. And I walked for like eight hours and I took spaghetti at a munch and then I went on like a run. And that was a big mistake because I should only have walked because it hurts so much more to just run a little bit of it. Um, but I did 60,000. So I beat my old record by 15,000, which is like, 28 miles and I felt pretty good and then like I took a bath I took some ibuprofen I drank a shit ton of water and then like the next day I was in the car for like three and a half hours and as soon as I got out of the car and I felt great as soon as I got out of the car I was like oh my whole body's falling apart everything hurts but I was pretty proud of that because it was it was like something that had been meaning to do for a while and just set aside some time and I did it and it made me feel great

I think the next step from here, Japes, is for you to do the Proclaimers workout.

Which is walk 500 miles.

After you're done, you take a quick rest, walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles.

When I wake up, you know who I'm gonna be.

I'm gonna be the man who comes and becomes you.

Adal Bright Spots.

Frank, I think from high school, I think it was the four of us. I thought everyone was aware of that episode of how I met your mother, but they weren't. And it was truly wild to do. Like we, it's a 14 hour drive. We, and we only listen to that song. And it's true, like it's true what they say about in the episode how like you go through peaks and valleys of like people are into it, everybody's singing. And I remember driving into Indianapolis when we could see the skyline. We were just belting at that song as loud as we could. And it had been 14 hours of listening to that just nonstop. We only listened to that song. It was a maddening experience.

How did you manage that?

And also when you say, when you say Indianapolis skyline, you mean that there's a rooster standing on top of one of the ranch homes?

I'm sorry, we had just gotten a Skyline Chili in Indianapolis. It was the very first one.

There's a rooster standing on top of a man. He's wearing the rooster as a hat.

I think it just should tell you a lot about who I am and about what I'm capable of.

Did Mikey like it? He liked it. Mikey liked it. Thank you, Adal. Erin, my bright spot is yesterday was my birthday and it was just fun to have. I mean, I feel like every person I know texted me to say, happy birthday. I hope you're having a good one. All things considered. And I was like, yeah, things are real bad, but also, you know, we all know that. But yeah, Gemma and I, we watched RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars Season 2, which is phenomenal. We got some sushi. I had some, I ordered my favorite pie from Milk Bar in New York. And yeah, we had a good time. So that was a bright spot to just have a little fun birthday.

That's awesome.

Okay, Adal, I would just like to say for the record, my birthday text to you says, Happy birthday. I hope you have a great day when you wake up in five hours. And he sent me that at like 10am. Did you send that at 4pm? I sent that at 10am and he texted me back at 1.12pm. Thank you, brother. Joke's on you. I woke up 3.5 hours later. I almost wrote in my text to you, I was like, best birthday that you can, but I didn't because I was like, nobody wants to hear that on their birthday.

It is weird where I'm like, it goes without saying. You don't have to go through that, you know. It goes without saying. Also, since you read your text to me, I do want to read Erin's. Erin says, hi birthday Adal, it's been such an awesome adventure to have you in my life. I hope you have the best day ever. And I replied back at 1.14 PM, fuck you.

He said, lose my number. And I said, okie dokie.

He said, okie dokie, dester. That's what I say to my dry cleaner. Lose my number. I want somebody else's shirts.

I have a coat I have my eye on back there. Look at that coat. That's a nice coat.

Erin, tell us about your bright spots.

Not a lot. I will say I got to watch my friends Erica and Charlie marry each other over Zoom this past Saturday. Charlie is a fan of his show. Oh wow. Of a show, probably more than one show. He's a fan of this show. He's been to some live shows. He talked to JPC in the street once, I think. If you remember him, JPC.

That's at a taco place, yes. How do you know him?

Oh nice. college and they were just friends in college and then they fell in love and they're two of the nicest people ever and it really did feel like you know in like every young adult novel about the like that's a dystopian future and one of them sick and can't leave the house or something Yeah, or just like like Hunger Games type thing. There's always a wedding of the two best people getting married. And I was like, this is what it feels like. It feels like it's the end of the world and the two, it's like Finnick and Annie are like Bill and Fleur. You really just get to witness the most beautiful people getting married. So that was really cool to see a wedding over Zoom.

And so he was bitten by a werewolf.

Yeah, I don't know. I should probably text him. Get a full update.

If it's a bill in floor, then he would be my whirl.

Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Now I'm remembering the Harry Potter. What a shame.

Erin, I forgot one of my bright spots. I forgot one of my other bright spots, which is this is episode "#99," and our old man puzzles is spooky sleepy witch, Erin Keif.

Ooh, too tired. Too tired to even do the bit. All right, so we're going to do a one warm up riddle, okay?

Okay. And it's from a listener. Hold on, I gotta get warmed up myself then.

Alright, you gotta do 60,000 steps. Alright, this is from Alice, and Alice has submitted a bunch of riddles, and I'm just gonna use one today. I'm gonna save the rest for later, Alice. Are you ready?

Ready. I'm ready. Alice, are you ready? Yes!

What a voice! Invisible, a line. I can change over time. And if we meet, I will just greet you with a simple sign.

Is it Invisalign?

I'm sorry, Erin, you are reading the copy for our Invisalign ad?

Invisalign, for when braces are just too much. Oh you guys, I went to the dentist today to get refitted for my mouth guard or to get my new mouth guard. It didn't fit. I had to get refitted and I threw up on the lady again who fit it for me. Second time that's happened. Did she remember you? You know what's really embarrassing is I originally had the girl I originally threw up on and then when she realized she didn't fit she sent another woman in there. And I was like, you know what's about to happen.

Anyways. I do want to see a quick commercial. Japes and Erin, you are spokespeople for Invisalign. Their new motto is Invisalign. They're like ghost braces. And you have to try and create a commercial around that catchphrase. Got it.

Ooh, is it drafty in this old house?

Ooh, it feels awfully cold in this old house.

Yeah, I feel like it's like the temperature just dropped like 15 degrees. Something just touched my arm.

Me too. And the curtains.

Shelly, something just touched my fucking arm. What's going on?

I have feelings for you, and normally I would kiss you, but my teeth, my teeth are, my teeth are not in line.

What's wrong with your fucking teeth? You fucking whore? Good, good, good. More. More, yes. More? Yeah, okay. What's your damn ass problem, you shit bird?

What is happening in your house where this is the first?

I don't know. I just bought this house from my dead grandpa. I guess I inherited it. That's what I meant to say. Your dead grandpa is a piece of... He's a doo doo bird. He's a whore.

If only... We would have gotten to the Invisalign, we promise.

We're trying to make our scenes go a little longer, everyone, because we really want to get into the meat of what improv is all about.

Invisible a line I can change over time, and if we meet, I will just greet you with a simple sign.

Is this like a longitude, latitude, or like a state line? Like anytime you cross a state and it's like pure Michigan? Does it have to?

It's actually pretty close.

Driving on a road? Like a horizon?

No, the state line thing is...

This begs the question, Japes, do you think you can drive on a horizon? A vertical horizon. Does anyone remember their song? Oh, it'd be the perfect time to sing it. Oh, okay. Hold on. Uh, everything I'm winning and I'm stupid. Nope. Nope. Okay. Okay. Give me another try. Um, Hey emerging my hand in my hand again. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Vertical Horizon. Oh, god damn it. Vertical Horizon is the movie with Dennis Quaid that's set in space. No, that's not it. Okay, all right. That is not it. That's Event Horizon. Vertical Horizon. I saw them in concert. I saw them with Third Eye Blind and Goo Goo Dolls. Let's see, Vertical Horizon. Vertical Horizon. Vertical Horizon. Erin, is this the appropriate time?

Yeah, definitely. He is everything you want. He is everything.

That's the answer.

He is everything inside of you. Oh my god, you guys got it.

Would you like a hint?

Yes, please.

Yes, please. It's also a name of a bookstore that no longer exists. No such thing as a bookstore.

Barnes and Doubles. Waldenbooks. Borders. It's a border. A border. That's what I was kind of saying with the state lines, but I just didn't voice it properly.

I needed you to say the word. That's why I said you were close. Alright, so that's the riddle from Alice. Yay, Alice.

Thank you, Alice.

We're ready for another riddle.

We appreciate you, Alice, more than you'll ever know.

Can I just say something that I feel kind of shitty saying this, but I feel like, you know, I saw something about donating to Doctors Without Borders, and I feel like it's fine if you donate, but also none of us have borders. Like, I guess they have an online presence, but just go to a different bookstore. I don't know. I don't see what the big deal is.

That's the message that you want to send. I donated, I just donated, actually I just, I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to just flop my wad on the table. I just donated $500 to Doctors Without KB Toys. I'm sorry, I'm a hero.

And I donate to nurses.

Doctors without toys or us.

I donated to nurses without babbages. It sucks.

Is TCBY still around? Nevermind.

Oh, the country's best yogurt?

Oh, you better believe it. Oh yeah. The country's best is still the cum. TCBY.

With painstaking attention to detail, Candy writes down all the lurid, juicy specifics of a crime. She is not a police officer, but she wears a uniform. Candy follows every word spoken with great interest, but she isn't involved with anyone in the trial and has no vested interest in the outcome. Why does Candy follow the crime and what does she do for a living?

professional nosy fuck.

Why does Candy Follow the Crime sounds like a pop song.

Why does Candy Follow the Crime? And I'm thinking of someone who sings that and say it on three. One, two, three, Robin.

Event Horizon. Britney Spears.

Horizon Zero Dodd. So, so Candy writes down all the juicy deets, all the Lydia deets, and she's not, she's not like a court, is she a court sketch artist or something?

Not quite.

Is she a stenographer?

Not quite.

Hmm. Can you read the last part of it again?

She is a true crime podcast host. I'm just kidding. You're really just keep guessing where you were guessing. Keep guessing guesses.

She's a lawyer. Keep guessing guesses. Oh, she's on the jury.

Well, to your right.

She's a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's a lady. She's a novelist bailiff.

The last clue for this, and I don't know who wouldn't get it after this, she is sitting on a bench and she is wearing a robe. Well, I've done that when I'm hungover. Just wear your robe to the park, sit on a bench, feed the ducks.

That hint is a giant fuck you. Sad wizard. I do want to see a scene. Japes and Erin, you're on a first date. Erin, you are a lady judge. Of course, that's the term they prefer to be called. Sure. You're a lady judge and you're holding court at this... I think it's a judge at Adal. Oh boy.

JPC called me a whore in this episode. We're saying Judgett. We are digging a hole.

This is honestly good. Because you said Judgett, I do have to bring this up. There is no God, but I sort of know God that this is real. I had a dream three nights ago. JPC came over to my house, and as soon as he opened the door, he opened the door. I didn't let him in. He opened the door and went, start spreading your legs. I don't know why I dreamt that, but DreamJPC did sing that.

Oh my god. You guys, you know what I just realized? I don't think I've ever dreamt about either of you. I'm not even kidding.

I feel like 10 years from now, people are going to be like, the only things they'll remember about me is like, didn't you call Erin a horror bunch and like fuck Adal, like burst into his apartment and fuck him? And I'll be like, no, that was a scene in a dream. That was JP Dreams. JP Dreams.

I'm out of context.

You know what they say? The things you say in scenes are the things you think in real life.

Happened in your dreams. If JP Dreams kills you in your dreams, you die in real life. So we take you to a restaurant where Erin, as the judge at, is holding court at this date.

Order, order. I would like to order a side of garlic bread, please. Very good. Over rules. Oh, I mean, I'm sorry. I'm over rolls. I'm over these rolls. Can you get them away from here?

Yes, I'll take them away. And sir, do you mind putting your hand on this menu? I guess not. No. Okay. And can you repeat after me? I solemnly swear. I solemnly swear. That I'm up to no good. I'm up to no good. Very good. Sir, what will you have?

Um, I will, I'll have the Caesar salad.

Oh, a history fan. All right. I'll be right back.

Okay. I don't, just salad fan. Uh, this is great. I've never, I've never been to, I've never been to this restaurant.

Can you start by saying your honor? I've never been to this restaurant. Sorry.

Oh, uh, no, I guess it's because you're a judge, right?

Yeah, also I'm feeling a tiny bit uncomfortable just to get me, like, to ease me into this. Can you just do, like, an old-timey Southern lawyer voice just so I feel, like, more at home?

Oh, uh, yeah. You're on. This is a nice restaurant.

Great. And not to be too forward, but if we ever hook up, that is the voice I would like you to use.

Hey, can I just pause and just back up real quick? I'm so down and willing to do all this. We're going to have sex though, right? Yeah, we're going to have sex.

Okay, cool, cool, cool.

This just seems like a super total front-loaded work to do if it's going to end with- What does that mean? No, I just like, I'm into this. Like, this is your kink and I'm ready to make it happen. I just like, just to charge on the table.

I just, I want to make sure that I... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this man does not want to do any work or emotional labor in order to have sex with him.

As a point of order, as a point of order, I was willing to do the requisite amount of regular date work, have small talk of conversation, but what you said to me now, I see yourself, I owe you nothing sir, to jail you go.

Sorry, I'm just sitting at the next table, but we have found your date guilty of portraying foghorn leghorn. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't have a repertoire. I'll have what she's having. We're almost 100 episodes in and we still can't do scenes.

You guys, I have been going back in preparation of our 100th episode. I've been going back and listening to some of our old episodes. We used to do scenes. I don't know when we stopped like doing scenes.

We all just got too impatient.

Yeah. So this next one, I read it out loud to Sean and he really suggested I do this on the show because he thinks it's gonna make the two of you very angry.

Oh okay.

Ready?

Yes. Ready. Two fugly podcast hosts are killed in their beds.

One fish, two fish, ugly Adal, ugly JPC. No, no, I'm kidding. Happy birthday. Josh loves mysticism, fun and adventure. Unfortunately... So sorry, Erin.

What was that? Josh loves what? Mysticism. Okay.

It's what I say when I sneeze. What part of me?

Mysticism. Or just Nebraska, Oklahoma, Mysticism, or Kansas.

Where's mysticism? Is it like Arkansas?

It hovers above Florida.

One, two, three, four, five, six, eight. I'm sorry, I'm Mr. Siffle.

Okay, okay. Josh, I'm glad that you're having fun before I break your heart. Josh loves Mr. Siffle.

Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman? I never saw this. I guess you could say I'm Mr. Siffle.

Do, like, seven more. I can't. Okay, okay, fine. Josh loves mysticism. Okay, shut up, shut up. Shut up, Erin. Okay, shut up. Josh loves mysticism. Mysticism. Fun and adventure. Unfortunately, he wakes up one morning feeling heavy and notices his clothes no longer fit. Unable to figure out what's going on, he goes downstairs to greet his mother who takes one look at him and screams. Dismayed, Josh immediately leaves home with no plan to return. After several weeks of trying to adjust to a new lifestyle, Josh returns home and everything becomes normal again. Why does Josh's mother scream and where does he go when he runs away?

Josh ate one of those pieces of gum from Willy Wonka. He had to go to the juicing room. He comes back. He's normal.

Everything's fine. Before we get into it, Adal, you are JPC's chaperone. He got a golden ticket and you were going through the chocolate factory and you two have gotten separated from everyone else and about to hit whatever problem you're gonna hit.

Thank you so much for bringing me along. You know, me, grandpa, grandpa, Frank, I haven't been out of bed in 27 years. Look at me dance. Look at 23 Skidoo. This is how we used to dance in 1989. Stop Frank.

Frank, you're gonna give us away. You gotta tone it down, okay? I paid you $20. I said pretend to be my grandpa Frank. You're a bedridden man. You gotta tone it way down. Everybody suspects that you're an actor.

Can I tell you something? I'm not gonna, I'll keep your secret. I'll keep your secret. I saw your golden ticket. It's just a parking ticket. Colored yellow.

It got us in the door. Please. Okay. I want to win this chocolate factory. You have, I promise you, you have to, you have to tone it down. Look, we're in this room with all these soda bottles. Okay. Let's have some fun. Let's drink some soda. I get it. We have to burp. We have to burp. Oh my god, Frank, I promise you that's- No, stop! I promise you that's not what it is. We have to shoot our pants! Please, Charles!

We are here, I am here, in a world of all of this soda. This man here is an actor.

Frank, you... Okay, I know how to get out of this.

We have to burp. Taking the man who has kept us in here, so we're stuck here and we're gonna take him away.

They should have planned out these rhymes.

I'm not even insane.

I don't think they were planning on him dying.

If they knew he was going to die, they would have come up with a ride.

Oompa, this is the best day ever. This is the best fucking day ever.

I love the idea of the Oompa Loompas being like oompa, doompa, doompa-dee-doo. What else?

As I scan the room. Oh fuck, why did we do this one?

I'm having fun. Everything before was fake. Now it's real. Why does Josh's mother scream and where does he go when he runs away? Erin, is this maybe a bit of Kafka, as it were? The Metamorphosis? I read a book when I was in high school. Franz Kafka?

I read a book when I was in high school. No further questions.

It's also, I think, a short story.

I've read Highlights magazine.

Does he transform into big freaky bug Kafka? And he hides in this room and he dies as bug Kafka.

Erin, be honest, is Josh Cockroach? Is Josh Cockroach?

No.

Does he go through a metamorphosis as it were?

I guess you could call it that.

Does he just put on some weight?

Is he depressed? No.

Is that his clothes got heavy? It felt heavier.

Is it possible that he's not heavy?

He's my brother. He has nothing to do with depression.

Oompa Loompa, take a load off Annie. That's a fun game. Erin, can you reread that whole riddle?

Do you want me to reread it or do you want some clues?

I like to hear it again. Josh loves mysticism.

Fun and adventure. Unfortunately, he wakes up one morning feeling heavy and notices his clothes no longer fit. Unable to figure out what's going on, he goes downstairs to greet his mother, who takes one look at him and SCREAMS! Dismayed, Josh immediately leaves the house with no plans to return. After several weeks of trying to adjust to a new lifestyle, Josh returns home and everything becomes normal again.

Josh is an animagus. It's mysticism, so he did something with the occult.

Josh's pajama bottoms seem to have shrunk and now only go down to his knees. Josh doesn't recognize his own face when he looks in the mirror. First boner. Josh vaguely remembers making a wish at a carnival the day before the incident.

What the fuck is this riddle?

Josh's... Okay, I got it. Did he wish to be big? Did he wish to be big? Josh's Tom Hanks and big.

The boy is Josh from the movie Big. Josh's mother screamed because he turned into a 30 year old man, Tom Hanks. Don't mind if I do. He ran away to New York City. This is in a book and the answer is big.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are a, he's probably like 10 or 12. You're a 12 year old young lady. You go to a local carnival in, I don't know, fucking Jersey. And you see a Zoltar machine. Jape's your Zoltar. And we see you make a wish.

I'm going to put my quarters in here.

Insert your quarter.

Did you say quarter?

Insert your quarter.

What's a quarter? I'm going to try my quarters.

No, I need a quarter. It's a small coffee.

You want me to go get you a coffee?

Yes.

Okay, is Dunkin Donuts okay?

I need a small what?

Is Dunkin Donuts okay?

No, Dunkin Donuts doesn't have espresso. I need a quarter.

I think they do.

Jeff, they have a quarto.

Jeff, knock it off. You're scaring this girl.

Hey, Jack, I don't come to where you work and do the ring toss. I just want a short coffee. I want a quarto. You just did 20 minutes ago you came in and grabbed my ring and tossed it.

Do you want a flat white?

A flat white?

I don't know. It's like an Australian thing.

Go to any coffee place in the world. Ask for a quarto.

They'll know what the fuck it is.

Well, that's not a coffee place. That's a chain. That's a breakfast chain.

All right, fine. I'll go to Starbucks.

Yeah, they're gonna have a- yes, they will. They will. I've had a- I've got a quarter of it.

There's no Starbucks in this city.

Unplugged. Shit. Never mind. I've seen unplugged. I love- I love giving a premise and then coming in to just shit all over it.

Oompa loompa. Time for a break.

Now we will- This show gives me a headache.

It's time to hear from our sponsors. We'll be back and we'll have some cold sores. What do you get when you go on a break? Why did I rhyme? I've eaten too much cake. Time to go to break right now. If you don't, you'll be a cow.

What do you think of us going to break? Should we have done it way back when we said it? Why would we keep doing this for so long? I don't think people like this episode.

What do we do if we got one? I'm just kidding. We're actually going to break. We are. Shut up. Erin. Erin shut up. Break. Okay. We're going to break.

Come with me and we'll be in a 30-second break right now.

This show's bad. Hey Adal, Erin. I have been meaning to ask you to. Yes?

What kind of mattress did you sleep on in college?

And no, the one in your own dorm, you freak. The mattress I slept on in college was my roommate.

Okay.

Oh yeah, they called him the mattress, right? He was a football player too? Well, he was a football player and also a member of the mafia.

And Erin, what about you?

I slept on a lofted bed of sadness.

And I slept on three rats. It was a shitty mattress. Three rats all smushed together. We all had terrible mattresses in college, but now we are all doing much better and we love our mattresses, don't we folks? Don't we love our mattresses? Oh folks, we love our mattresses folks.

I got married to mine. Because we got our mattresses at Helix Sleep. Did you hear what I said? Helix Sleep. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you guys hear what I said? I'm married to your mattress. I knew we were there. Congratulations maybe? Oh okay, that's right. I was best mattress man at your wedding. And Erin was my best box spring.

And if you want to have a wedding deal with your mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com, take a sleep quiz that just takes two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. Now that won't, not emotionally, just for sleeping.

Well kinda. Well, I guess that's true. I don't want to brag.

I know you met my mattress, but my mattress is a Helix Sleep, and it was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired Magazine. My wife is a mattress. It's the perfect place to go if you're a side sleeper, a hot sleeper. If you like a plush or a firm bed, you can get whatever you need at Helix. And it's got a 10 year warranty. You can try it out for 100 nights. Risk free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it.

But guess what? You will. And you made a commitment to have it to hold forever until death do you part. I have, like I said, I have a helix sleep and my fiancé, who my mattress is jealous of, my fiancé Gemma and my two cats, Fries and Brisket, we all can basically do like snow angels on the mattress and not even touch one another. It's the most comfortable sleep I've ever had. And that's love. That's true love. I sleep like a baby. I sleep like a baby, the cats sleep like kittens, it's the best thing in the world.

So go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E. Take the two minute sleep quiz. It'll completely change your life.

And right now, Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders for our listeners only at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for up to $200 off. Now tell me you've heard of a better deal than that.

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Charlie, Charlie, we're back from break.

I'm the only one left.

Everyone else in the factory has been killed. All these other kids have been killed. Because you did it, Charlie. You killed them all with your brains. What movie is this? This is a Tim Burton movie, but I'm not sure which one. Oh, this is a network. Okay. All right. More riddles. More riddles, please.

And no more messing around. We're doing riddles. Aww.

Because it's by the name of our show. Man was going to do a goof on everybody. Hey, Erin. No more goofs. Erin. What? Phillips, other podcast host, let him dick around. Oh, yeah? Yeah? Well Philip, that doesn't have as good as school lunches as you. So, potato, potato. Yeah, we eat mashed potatoes and they're bad. Yeah, well mashed potatoes are too hard to make.

Just buy potatoes, they're cheaper than potatoes. No, I'm gonna keep mashing these potatoes. Erin, does this count as goofing around? Are we in trouble? You're in the biggest of trouble. Here's your riddle. Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready, Erin.

And thank you for your service to the podcast. Bob is a government employee who spends his entire workday sitting down. His customers pay money and watch him sit. Bob ignores these customers while he looks outside through his office window.

If Bob does his job correctly, the customers leave as soon as he's finished. He's a professional shitter. He sits on a stage and shits for money. Why do customers leave and what is Bob's job? Bob works at a little thing that Adam Sandler likes to call a toll booth, Willie. No.

He doesn't work at a toll booth? Doesn't work at a toll booth, although I guess that could... That actually works. So does Bob just Bob just sits there all day and does nothing while he's a government job?

Yeah, I got a little guess as to who Bob is.

Is he the president of the United Frickin States?

No, he does way, way more than him. Okay, damn sorry.

Bob is a mime. Bob? A government mime? A government job? We had a baby, it's a mime.

We had a baby, it's a mime. So he sits, people pay him. As soon as people pay him, they leave.

No, no, no. Wait, is that right, Erin?

As soon as people pay him, they leave?

No. They pay him, they sit, he doesn't look at them, and then they leave. And he stares out his office window? Yeah, that's the part that's a little misleading, but he's certainly staring out a window.

I wouldn't call it an office window.

Is Bob a performance artist? No. Is he a prisoner? No.

What has windows? What has glass? Buildings.

Yeah, what else though? Buses.

Oh, he's a bus driver. Nobody talks to the bus driver.

Come to your back in a bus.

It's still an Adam Sandler answer. It's still an Adam Sandler thing, yeah. I thought that's where you're going when you said Adam Sandler. I want to see a scene. Japes, you are a bus driver. You've just received a call from a scary, scary man, and he says that the bus will explode unless you, unless the bus... Find it. Find it. Hey Les, let's see. Okay, something funny. Unless the bus, if the bus drops below 54 miles per hour.

Okay, 54 miles per hour?

Ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am? Ma'am, we're sitting in the front of the bus. Ma'am.

Which ma'am? Oh boy, I don't know.

The woman with the light blue blouse. Yeah, you both wear blue blouses.

The woman with glasses. I'm sorry, you're wearing glasses and you're holding drinking glasses. Let's see. The woman with the obnoxious hat.

Oh, that'd be you then, ma'am. Okay, yeah.

Yes, thank you.

Ma'am, I just got a phone call. This is terrible, but... Do you need me to drive the bus? No. I mean, do you drive a bus?

No, I mean, if memory serves, the bus driver got shot and now I need to drive the bus.

And I'll win an Oscar later for the blind side?

If memory serves, what are you, Olmec?

No, I just got a call from a man who said if the bus goes below 54 miles an hour, it's gonna... Oh, you know what?

While we were talking, I slowed it down to like 26. Huh. Huh. Yeah. Hmm. Is Jeff Daniels your best friend?

Uh, the whiskey? Yeah?

You have a whiskey called Jeff Daniels?

That's like a potato potatoe.

Hey, potatoe's cheaper, baby. I'll get potatoe every time. Jeff Daniels on the rocks.

Jeff Daniels should come out with a whiskey called Jeff Daniels. That's amazing.

Undercut the competition. A scuba diver is a thousand feet below the surface when the oxygen in his tank runs out. The diver doesn't make it to the surface for nearly three hours, yet he doesn't die when his oxygen runs out. Scuba diver fish. Scuba diver fish, scuba diver fish.

Uh, is it scuba Steve?

Yep.

Are these all Adam Sandler and Tommie X movies?

Did you just watch Happy Gilmore? What's happening?

So he, he's under there for three hours without air. Is he in a ship? Like is he, does he have air in some other way?

No.

Uh, he's in, he's in, uh, is he dead? He's in a pool that's been emptied.

Well, he's in a pool that's been emptied.

No, he's dead. What? We never said he lived. That's pretty good. I like, Erin, I like that one. Let me read. What are you reading, Erin? You're reading that he is in fact dead? The diver was already dead when his oxygen ran out and his body floated up to the surface. I wanted to read the exact answer. I do want to see a scene because apparently I'm the only one fucking calling scenes today.

No, I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene.

I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene.

I was just about to call a scene.

I was just about to call a scene. I was just about to call a scene.

Oh, a long day of being a senator. Not just a wife. No, Erin, I said wife.

I'm tired of being wives and moms. And girlfriends. I'm tired. Okay, long day of being a senator. Ready to have it all. Okay. Oh my gosh, honey.

Hey, I just came in. I actually heard you talking to yourself in the mirror. I'm tired of being a wife. No, no, no, I just... Michelle, it's good because I died today.

I died for three hours and they brought me back to life. Oh my God, what?

Yeah, I was under for three hours and then they brought me back and my first thought when I came back was that I don't... Why am I a professional scuba diver?

Your revelation is that you don't want to be with me?

When my only title was your wife. But you're so much more than that.

You're a senator.

You have the bill.

You have the big vote.

I also collect ducks. I have other interests and hobbies.

And you don't need me because you have your ducks and you have your big vote and you have tort reform. I don't want to throw us off, but we are 45 seconds away from this passing the Bechdel test.

Let's keep going. We definitely are not.

We talked about him dying. Pull the plug.

I'm fucked.

If she talks to ducks, that's the Bechdel test. Okay, I want to see a scene. Adal, you are a scuba instructor in a resort town and we're all on a boat and you're giving us the safety instructions and JBC, we're on our honeymoon and we're starting to be a little suspicious if this guy's legit.

Okay. Okay everyone, welcome to Des Moines. Of course we are known for our architecture and also our scuba diving. Now, what we're going to do is go ahead and grab that mask and put it over your mouth. Okay, everyone have that. And make sure there's a tight seal.

Before I throw the mask over my mouth, I wanted to say just one more time. Can't apologize enough for this honeymoon. So sorry. This is what I get for doing emails late at night. Okay.

I'm happy to be here.

I'm happy to be with you, Julia. I love you more than anything. Okay. I'm sorry, what? Hold on. I just said I love you more than anything.

What'd you say?

And I said, yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome. Oh, Senator Williams. I didn't recognize that it was you. Yep. It's me, Senator Williams. Hold on.

No, no, no. The woman.

Women can be senators. Yeah, we're both senators. We're both senators. That's how we met. And I took her name. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. Juliette Williams. Juliette Williams. Full name Senator Julia Williams. I said that I love you very much. You're the light of my life.

Oh, okay. What is this? What is this response?

I'm sorry, I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I do want to let you know that moments ago I did receive a phone call and if this scuba instruction goes under 54 miles per hour, I heard this boat will blow up.

Who let this cartoon dog unplug?

Perfect. Guys, I think this show is bad.

Everything that we do today, no matter what, is about the disillusion of a marriage.

Whatever you call for. You guys, are we okay? We're having an off night. Anyways, speaking of just continuing to be terrible.

About 100 is going to be great. Okay.

An excited crowd lines the street waiting impatiently for the main event. They shuffle their feet and gaze about anxiously, arching their necks for a better view.

But moments later, before they catch sight of the event, they've come to witness. They all quickly scatter. They know there is no real danger, but quickly give up their prized curbside spot and run for cover anyway.

I know it. Why is the crowd gathered and what makes them run for cover? What is it, JPC? I don't want to say it because I want Adal to discover it for himself. I feel like he needs a win, so Adal doesn't as well.

Did you want to say, if not, I'll take it.

No, no, you want to take it or I can take it. They're at the annual hologram parade. Of course, hologram parades are a device of the future. It's for people to have fun in a safe way. And when the hologram elephants come out, everyone scatters because it's just instinct to run from an elephant. Is that it?

Well, yeah, that's what I had too.

I was going to say that they're at the annual hologram parade. No, what I was going to say, what I was going to guess is that they are pigeons or birds. No, JPC, Adal is more right. It's a parade. Oh, shit.

It started to rain at the parade and that's why they scattered.

It started to rain and all the people are made of metal and they don't want to rust. Nope, no other land. I would like to see a scene. And someone left a cake out of there. And they're actually going to do the premise, you guys. I'm not even kidding.

No bits.

They're actually going to do the premise. Adal and JPC, you are two commentators at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and you're just going to talk about all the balloons and floats and marching bands that you see. Welcome back to the 42nd Macy's Day Parade. We're here in beautiful New York City and we are seeing some of the best floats we have seen in a long time.

Now coming down 5th Avenue right now, where's your lasagna? Because we have Donatello.

He's coming around and he has his bow in hand.

Yep, that kooky ninja turtle loves his lasagna, and there's nothing he loves more than lasagna, except his bow. His bow, which shoots the arrows that make the rat fall in love. That's Donatello passing right by. What a sight, what a sight. That's right, Donatello's bow, B-E-A-U, is Hawkeye. He's a force engaged to Hawkeye. Clint something, and of course we can't remember his last name. Clint Eastwood, there's the next float coming up. It's a... Larger than my version of Clint Eastwood. He is not aged well, and it's a depiction of him doing the empty chair Obama speech. Can I just say Josh, go ahead and make my day.

This is a beautiful, beautiful balloon. Of course, it has a lustrous career as a balloon.

Oh, and here around the corner, here comes a fudge is made. Just a little joke, Chips. Speaking of fudge, here's a Toblerone. Here's a giant Toblerone. Of course, this is paid for by the chocolate company Toblerone. Toblerone? Yum, yum. Chocolate.

Toblerone.

When you're on your own, grab a Toblerone. Okay, now here comes, oh, this is, we're coming near the end of the balloons, and this is of course two balloons in our likeness. This is a little weird. This is something... Josh and Chips.

Here they are.

This is something new they're trying and it's not flattering. I would say it's not flattering. I would say it's like looking in... Oh, the Pope is here.

The Pope has arrived on the parade. Here he is at his Popemobile.

He's got that big glass covering so no one could shoot him even if he needed to. Or if you wanted to. Not that we would ever say shoot the Pope because we have gotten in trouble for that at Thanksgiving Parade 41. Josh, can I just say that the Pope in his Popemobile, as he's surrounded by a box of glass, he looks like a little Catholic Zoltar in there.

Can I just say that? I would love to give him a quarto and see what he says. But of course he's the Pope and he drinks Italian coffee and that's why I said that. Chips, it's been quite a parade and it's been quite a life with you. And it's what better time than to say that after 42 years I think our marriage is done.

What? You don't want to be a husband? I do not want to be your husband anymore. I feel that we have grown apart and we have become a shadow of ourselves, only commenting on our life that we live.

Thanks guys. I'm Missy Reynolds out here in front of Macy's to interview some of the high school marching bands that have made their way all the way to New York City to do the marching bands.

Back to you guys.

Wait, we don't get interviewed? Josh, what about our rock duo, Husband?

Thanks guys! I'm back here in front of VCs with two kids from a marching band. Kids, how does it feel to be in New York City? Bababooey.

Hot cross buns. Hot cross buns.

Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop. Hot cross buns. I lost my recorder. Husbands can still be, husbands can still be, okay? The music doesn't need to stop, chips, just because our love is stopped. Okay, I'm just worried. Thanks guys, I'm here talking to the Broadway cast of Yes We, Yes Indeed. They're about to do a tap number in front of Macy's. What do you say guys? And a one and a two and a yes indeed. Yes indeed. Everything's coming up. There's no greed. Got no sins.

No gluttony. Yes indeed. I'm on my knees. I'm on my knees. I can't believe they're doing a husband song. I think the best strategy is to immediately critique them right after we're done with them. It's really going hard on what made them good.

I think also something we should start doing is like Erin did, we should preface every scene with like, all right, come on.

I also, all right, come on. You guys, just to get you back in line, get us all back in line, I'm going to send, if you're in a good scene, I'm going to send you an edible arrangement. I think we stopped doing good scenes when our fans stopped giving us good notes. So please. Oh no. We thrive on notes. So tell us what we're doing wrong. We're never going to get better if we can't hear it. We need to have thick skin, guys. We need to have thick skin. This is my last episode. Alright, next one. Are you ready?

I'm ready. An elderly woman goes for a leisurely walk. Two young men in excellent physical condition are directly behind her, sprinting toward her. No matter how fast they run, they do not catch up with the woman.

The woman is Grandma Flash, the DC character that got buried in the 1970s. Grandma Flash, of course, has all the speed of Flash, but none of the youth.

The woman is Mrs. Magoo.

They're running after her, but she's like walking from a construction site beam onto like a big pile of sand and they're like, they can't get her. She's just, you know, blindly walking forward and luck is really helping her find her way.

No, sorry guys. The woman is Tom Hanks in the movie Big. The woman of course is Senator Williams.

Women can walk too. Senators can walk. Mom, I went to sleep last night and I came back a big woman. Big 2020. We're gonna make it after all.

Big woman walking down the street. Big woman. If I was immediately 30, I would not go to a toy store and walk on a piano. That's all I'm saying. That's not how I'd spend my day.

What would you do?

What would you do if you... Okay, so it's gonna be hard for you to know as a kid if you woke up 30 what you would do.

So Erin, what would you do if you woke up tomorrow and you were like 10?

Ooh, climb a tree, ride a roller coaster, and go on swings, because I can't do either of those things without feeling nauseous anymore.

And then I'd eat a ton of candy. That's my real answer. If I was 10, hashtag if I was 10, I would, uh, I would sing all the songs.

I would try and drink my weight in Baja Blast, Mountain Dew, Code Red. I would do a million backflips and finger bang a little bit of shoe. If I woke up tomorrow and I was 10, I would, um, I'd get on TikTok.

Feel like I'd see what that's all about. And finally understand it. Yeah, I might get it, get it, and like be able to like earnestly enjoy it, play around with it, make some TikToks. I think you would have both been very good at TikTok if that had existed in your youth. I think so too. Fuck you.

Although I was on my TikTok and Arnie came up. Arnie parent? No, other Arnie, kneecap. Oh. Same guy, same guy. And I was like, what? Yeah, he does a lot of hip young dances.

Very cool, very hip Ernie Camp. Check it out. Also, I realized that, you know Katie, who has made some TikToks, some Hey Riddle Riddle TikToks? Oh, yeah. She's so funny and amazing. She's wonderful.

But I realized that way before she did that, someone had sent me, like a theater friend from college had sent me a TikTok that she had made.

And I put two and two together and I was like, she's TikTok famous.

Oh, but not about us. She had just done a different TikTok.

She has a huge following on TikTok and is amazing. And we'll post her TikTok today. But way before she sent us TikToks that she made of Hey Riddle Riddle, a friend sent me a funny TikTok she had done. There are people on TikTok who are doing, and I'm saying this right, TikToks that aren't about our podcast?

I know, I was surprised too. Sorry, I'm a little lost. Erin, you're saying there was comedy before Hey Riddle Riddle? I'm saying that there still hasn't been any comedy.

I can't wait for comedy to be invented. I think that's where the show gets good. But anyways, Katie, you're amazing. Your TikTok is so funny. She's hysterical. The day this episode comes out, I will find it and link to it.

Okay.

What's the answer to that riddle? An elderly woman goes for a leisurely walk. Two young men in excellent physical condition are directly behind her sprinting toward her. No matter how fast they run, they do not catch up with the woman. It sounds like the three of them are at a gold's gym and they're all on treadmills.

Yep, they're on treadmills. Oh, I was going to say these two men are in a reverse rickshaw that she also walks at.

A shawrick?

Wheelbarrowing her forward.

And of course, Japes, that's one of the scenes from your new Adult Swim cartoon, Rickshaw and Morty.

Yes.

Rickshaw and Morty. A thing that I can't wait to do a scene about. Nope. So we're going to do a scene and I'm going to be an old woman who works out at your gym and you two are like just too young, too fit guys.

And I'm asking you for your help. Would either of you two gentlemen spot me?

Oh, uh, yeah. Oh, here's $20. No problem. You have a good day. Thank you so much. I wanted to get a bunch of Gatorade from that machine over there. And I don't carry cash. Just so you know, the Gatorade is $1.25, so... Yeah. You can also just run to CVS across the street and buy the Gatorade. If you buy it from the machine, you're gonna pay the premium.

Young man, I'm not gonna run anywhere. I lived.

Oh, I can go over there and get you the Gatorade. It's no problem. Would you? You two should date my grandkids. Both of us? Yeah. How many grandkids do you have? Eleven. You want us to work our way through your 11 grandkids?

I do! I don't know, Jason. What do you think? High five. Cut to montage.

Wow, I can't. Everybody's dating all her grandkids.

Everybody's dating 11. They're like eating spaghetti together, breaking up, ruining their lives.

Windsurfing. We cut back to the gym.

Oh, well, thank you so much. It didn't work out. I really want to thank you though because I was tired of my grandkids and you caused a lot of drama. Now we don't have to do any more family reunions. Let's high five in a freeze frame. One, two, three. I died.

I've been dead for three hours. I'm also a senator and a wife.

I died.

The funniest thing you can do when you high five is just scream, I died. Okay, one more. I died is a very funny thing to hear someone scream because they did it.

Isn't that a boy band song? And I died by the moon and the stars in your night.

Jenny is moving into her new apartment. The place is filthy and there are cobwebs everywhere. As she prepares her first meal in the kitchen, she finds a mouse in her box of canned goods. Jenny calmly removes the mouse and continues cooking, not bothering to wash her hands or call the landlord.

It was a stuffed Minnie Mouse doll.

She was cooking cereal and she poured the mouse prize out. She was cooking a computer. She was cooking cereal.

She pulled out the mouse. She pulled out the mouse.

Was it a computer mouse?

Well, well, well. Mr. Seven.

You've done it again. It was a computer mouse. What?

She was cooking something?

Yeah, she was cooking in her new house. How did the mouse fall out? It was just in her box of canned goods. Okay. The house is haunted. Why did she scream when she saw a computer mouse?

I didn't.

I added that. She didn't. I added that. Okay. I want to see a scene. Casey just was like, wow, I'm really seeing the end of Erin Keif here.

It's wild to watch, I bet. I want to see a scene.

Erin, you are a new employee at a business. You are a well-rounded personality.

You have many interests. You go kayaking. You enjoy art. You also paint some oils. I collect ducks. You collect ducks. And this is your first day at the job. But what you haven't told your coworker, Japes, is that you are terrified of technology. Okay, so this is going to be kind of your ducks.

And what you're going to want to do is grab the bag and then pretty much grab the ducks, put them in the bag, and then put the bag in the big hole.

And then at the end of the day, we all set fire to the hole.

I'm sorry.

What is that in the corner? I'm sorry? What is that in the corner? Oh, that's me losing my religion. Just a little joke. That's just a standard computer.

We use that to you at the end of the day. It's fine. At the end of the day we clock out on that computer. That's just where we log out. But the majority of your day you won't be needing that computer. Nope. I'm sorry?

Are you singing American Grace?

Did she just say, saved a wrench like me? Okay, sorry. I just... No, it's okay. Don't worry about it. It's your first day.

It's stressful. No, it's not really. I just like love ducks.

Like that part of it's great.

It's just the issue is like the... You love ducks? You did hear what we do here, right? Yeah, I know. But like I'm sort of going to sabotage the entire operation.

Okay, that's A. You know what? It's a paycheck.

Honestly, I'm not here for any holier-than-thou cause.

I'm not here to make the world a better place.

They tell me to put the ducks.

Yeah, but that is a good question though. Why are we doing this to the ducks?

I don't think it matters to me super much. Capitalism.

Same. Unplug.

Sorry, our new sponsor is capitalism. Capitalism won.

We've always been sponsored by capitalism. We love them. You heard it here, folks. We love to see it.

Do you have anything to plug? Yes, so I would like to recommend a book. That book is called The End of Policing by Alex Vitale. I don't know if this is still the case when this comes out, but Verso Books has the free audiobook of that book on their website, so I advise you to go check that audiobook e-book.

You can download an e-book and like read it from your computer or your whatever book reader. But it's great, it talks about an alternative to policing that we could explore if society, especially our society, decided to go in that direction. It's a great book, it's a really great read, it's a quick read too, so I highly advise that you check that out.

And that's it. Erin, anything that you would like to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram if you're unsure of what to do or where to donate. I've been trying to stay on top of who needs the money and what days. I know a lot of people are getting overwhelmed by fun, so I'm just trying to stay on top of that. If you have any questions or need some guidance, message me and we can try to figure it out together.

Hell yeah. Gemma and I just got a book called So You Want to Talk About Race.

We're excited to read that. I do not know how to pronounce the author's name.

It's I-J-E-O-M-A. Last name O-L-U-O.

So please check that out so you want to talk about race. And I was also a recent guest on the podcast Cult Classic Callback talking about the movie Beetlejuice. So if you're looking for something to listen to, perhaps check that out. And that's your favorite movie, right? Beetlejuice is my favey movie.

Wow. What a coincidence that they had you to, had you wanted to talk about your favorite movie. That's insane. That is insane. And also, well, the thing I like most about it is that whenever, um, the Maitland's, uh, Adam or Barbara step outside of their house because they're dead, they end up in like this sand area. That's like one of the moons in space and there's a sandworm.

I can't remember what planet it's on though. Perhaps it's.

Oh, that's a good question. Oompa-doompa, Jupiter Day. We will keep doing this bit until we're not okay. Oompa-doompa, I'm gonna pull the lever. We're ending now. I'll say bye forever. This has been Hey Riddle Riddle. What do you get when- No! Created by Adal Rifai. I'm ending it. Starting your achievement. That was a Headgum podcast.